March 28, 2018

Relationships, realizations and ramblings.

2017 was interesting.  Luckily for me, I have a bad memory and 2018 is replacing those memories I do have.

In 2017, I ended a relationship with someone I’ll always love and thought I would spend the rest of my life with.  But....I needed more than he could give me. Apparently, I need a lot and why not? I believe I deserve a lot.  It is super hard to walk away from a love like that but it was also a fabricated love based on lies, false hopes and broken promises.  It's super hard for me to settle and give up all my hopes and dreams of a life that I’m not in love with. I wasn’t in love with my life. There. Whew. I said it. I mean, I had the illusion and hope of something real...and promises were made of something more...and I was given the idea of something and everything that just never turned out to be anything. All the 'somethings' became 'nothings', so, I left.

It’s funny when people who know us - me - say ‘I hope you find what you’re looking for.’ Which, I've been hearing a lot.  It's always laced with a twinge of bitterness and a scathing lack of respect. I'm not sure why because, I’m not looking. For anything. Simply because I have hope and I believe in a love so grand that I won’t feel insecure, or taken for granted, or scared or unloved. I won’t wonder why I am not good enough, or why he’s talking about me behind my back, or why I’m lonely when I am with him. I won't have to beg for attention, or force togetherness, or play house anymore with someone who only wanted to play.  I already have a child and pets.  I do not need more, to be honest. I guess I am looking for a life that I’m in love with, again. One that doesn’t make me feel badly about myself.

My best friend’s dad passed away. What this has to do with my story is that he was married to his wife for 56 years. The love he had for her, and she had for him, was grand in the truest sense of the word. It was a love to behold, a love to be in awe of, a love to aspire to.  It was a partnership.  They both loved each other and they both knew it.  50/50. 'Til death do they part.  That’s the love I want and covet.  Even if I end up being single for the rest of my life, I will love myself grandly, like that. Because that’s the type of love I deserve. RIP Uncle Joe.

In fact, that’s the type of love everyone deserves. Know your worth and stop giving discounts. I know myself and I love myself.  More.

But, guess what?  I'M GOING TO PARIS!!!  AND I'm moving into a new house by a waterfall!!  AND I'm going to Vegas!!!  THAT'S the life I create for myself when I'm not being brought down by someone else baggage, issues, irresponsible behavior or selfishness. So, yes.  I guess I am finding what I'm looking for...and if I'm not finding it...I'm creating it.  Bitches.

Let me get this straight, I'm not bragging.  I'm also not denying being sad, playing the 'What If' game, questioning my decision, blaming myself. I do it all.  I venture to the dark side of the moon quite often. I miss my best friend, most of all.  All friendships change, I get that. Those who I once considered my BFF's are now practically strangers. So, I understand that change happens on every level.  But, I do miss having someone to tell all my secrets to, to laugh with over ridiculousness, someone with the same twisted sense of humor, someone to text my madness to.  I've also lost friends and family and those I've considered friends and family. But, it's par for the course.  Sadly, enough.  Friends and family suffer through breakups, too.  Or, most of them do. I'll still never get how the ex-future-mother-in-law can choose his exes over him.  But, that's not my problem anymore.  It's just further proof of the insanity I left and that is something to be grateful for.  I also miss having an S.O.  A date.  Someone to go to weddings with, or dinners with or concerts or whatever with.  I also hate taking Jack out when it's dark.  But, just like I learned sharing my living space after being single for 17 years, I'll learn to get used to it.  Even though I visit the dark side of the moon, I choose not to remain living there.

I'm also not saying all was bad. It wasn't. Obviously. 7 years would be ridiculous if it were all bad.  I'm not saying I was perfect either.  I wasn't.  I became someone I didn't like.  That's the worst of it.  I allowed myself to become weak and that is something I've never been.  I didn't like it.  At all.  I need someone who is as strong as I am.  Who is a warrior.  Who sees the bad and looks for the good.  Who stands up when everyone is trying to push him down.  Who protects me, as well as himself.  Who knows what life looks like without me and makes it a point to keep me.  An adventurer of life, not a manipulator of life or a coward of life.  I need someone who is real. I really did give this all I had.  In fact, I gave until I had nothing left.  Physically, emotionally, financially....nothing left. In fact, I tried harder at this than I've ever tried at anything before in my life. That's powerful and also teaches me that I do know how to love.  Strongly and wholly.

I'm going to be 50 in September  I'm glad I'm spending my last year making changes to my life.  I plan on sliding into 50 with fervor, passion and joy...among other things.  Specifically hope.  A year changes a lot.  Who know where I will be or what I'll be doing or who I will be with.  But, I'm off the hamster wheel and I'm so excited to see where this life is leading me.

So, to all of those who were wondering, asking and assuming 'what my deal is'.  This is a snippet of that deal.  My deal. Which, quite respectfully, is none of your damn business. There are those who think I made the wrong decision and that's fine.  It doesn't matter what you can deal with in your life.  It only matters what I can deal with in mine.  You don't have to agree, or like it, or support it...and that's ok.  YOU don't have to.  I do and I am and I know wherever this path leads or whatever path I forge, it's going to be amazing.  There are those that agree, like and support it.  Those understanding loves and those who saw the sadness I worked so hard to hide. Those who know the person and the reality of it all. Those are the ones I thank and am grateful for. There are also those that know and turn a blind eye.  That won't help him or anyone but that, respectfully, is not my damn business.  I'm a truth teller.  I call it like a see it and will never change or apply a filter for that.  Sigh.  But, I actually love that about myself. haha!  I won't change that...ever.

Whew.  Thank GAWD I got this all out of my head and heart.  That load was getting too heavy to bear. It's been 7 months.  Who knows how long healing takes after a break up.  Some people say half
the amount of time you spent together.  Others say quickly.  Some say never.  I'm leading more towards the I'll heal but will never be immune to the hurt. I still hurt over my first love.  I'm sure I'll always hurt over this one.

Please know, haters, that I'm not trash talking or bad mouthing.  I'm venting what I need to let go off.  It's already taken up too much space, time, energy and emotion.  If you have nothing better to do than hate, go someplace else.  Your shit is old and tired.  Go away and amuse your inadequate selves with your lackluster lives.  Psh.


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