I'm going to be 47 this month. Forty. Seven. Four times Ten plus Seven.
I never thought about growing up like many people did. What I would do, what I would be, where I would go, how I would be? Those thoughts never crossed my mind. My mind just didn't work that way. Still doesn't. The same way that I never thought about getting married or what career I would have. I didn't have those dreams. Ever.
Maybe I'm more of a 'present' mind, rather than a 'future' mind person. I do know I'm a little 'past' mind so that's thing with me. Ew. I need to let that shit go.
Now, sitting here...in my 'present' mind, I do think that I should be more rooted at this age. And...more importantly, why am I not? I was more rooted at 37 than at 47. Sad, but true. Why is that? Maybe because I'm a hot mess. Maybe that should be the name of my reality show. 'Hot Mess'. There probably already is one....I just 'Googled' and yep, there is. I'm not the only one. Damn it.
I need to plant my roots. I need to get a real job, buy a home, find my happy and live my life. I have been running around like an errant teen for too many years. All helter skelter moving this way and that way, working this job and that job, barely living and making myself more and more unhappy.
Do you know what makes you happy? Do you have a happy? Other than kids, dogs, family, S.O.....I'm talking something, entirely yours, that makes you smile and puts your soul at rest. Something where you feel peace and, in that moment, everything is ok with the world. I'm like that with nature. I can get lost in the woods and feel more restful than ever. I need to find more things that make me happy. Winter is coming and that woods shit will cease.
Anyway.....are you where you thought you'd be, or think that you should be, at your current age?
I'm not. The things I want are out of my reach at the moment. At the moment, though, so that means my hope hasn't died. I still have faith in my path and my life and myself.
But, seriously, I am becoming super unhappy with life. Or..I have been unhappy with my life. The past 5 years have been rough. I know that I have control of that but I can't even find the energy to take control. Maybe it's a thing with women my age. You know...The Menopause game. The Pre-Menopause game. The Hell Fire Your Ass is OLD game. Maybe my body is going through so many changes that my mind has become tainted. Don't get me wrong, I still find humor in everything. I still laugh every day. I still look for adventure and fun. But....I have gotten into the bad habit of feeling bad. Angry. Mad. Sad. All the time. This does not work for me.
In addition, I'm now looking for some holistic healing or ritual to get my mind back to where it belongs. Reiki, Chakra, Meditation, Zen, Shaman....Drum Circles. No, just kidding, no drum circles....I have no rhythm. haha! But, anything that might retrain my mind from the negative to the positive. From the anger to the peace. From the lack of patience to the zen. From the annoyance to the joy. What the hell will do that for me and where can I find it? I don't want to be medicated. I want to be motivated.
Hell. Maybe I should go back to being a doobie smoker. I was a happy girl in my 20's.
Hell. Maybe I should go to Woodstock.
Do I even believe in this stuff?
Maybe I'm just not happy with my life and need to make changes. Work? Relationships? Home? Health? Who knows. But, something needs to happen. Something needs to change. Sooner rather than later.
Where am I is the real question. Where did I go? Where's Kelly?
And...how the hell do I find my way back?
Being a woman is rough. Being a middle aged woman is rough. We have all these annoying feelings. Ew.
Feelings...let them come...and let them go.
Let's start this journey, ladies.....yay.......
In other news, I'm taking my first kickboxing class tonight. I'm excited. Hopefully, I will be able to release some anger with some swift jabs to a bag I don't have feelings for. Stupid feelings.