January 27, 2015


All Narcissists, please raise your hand!  And take a selfie!

I swear.  Social Media, of which I am a big fan and an employee of, has made us all narcissists.  Come on, admit it.  You log on every day to see how many likes that picture of your kids got.  Or how many comments your witty post got.  Or how many shares that hysterical meme got! Or how much love your pathetic, victimizing cry for attention received? This is your moment in the spotlight!  Your moment to shine!

Ta dah!!!!!

Who likes me?!  How many friends do I have?  Am I loved?  Am I special? Am I everything I wanted to be and more??  Am I famous?!?!?!?! Finally??!?!!!

I get it.  People need attention.  Some more than others but everyone, in general, needs attention. 

Then you have the selfies.  Ugh.  I'm guilty of an occasional selfie.  Whether it's something that is making me laugh, I'm making fun of, is just so bizarre or I just have no other choice.  I'm ok with those, it's me, I'm hysterical AND I'm famous...albeit in my own mind.


I am not ok with the following........DAILY:

The same pose/same facial expression.  **Come the eff on.  It's like a bad deja vu. Get some creativity and stop making me want to gouge my eyes out with a stick.

Every damn day and sometimes more than once.  **We all know what you, your duck face, your tits, your ass, your eyes, your outfit, looks like.  We got it.  Freakshow. You bore me.

What you're eating.  **See below

You working out.  **Literally, unless you gagged on something you were shoving into your pie hole and snapped a photo of your choking face OR you slipped off the treadmill and cracked your silly little head...I'm just not interested.  Sorry..not sorry.

And...if I ever am out in public and see someone using a 'Selfie Stick', I'm walking over and punching them in the twat.  Yep. That will happen. Or...maybe I'll take a selfie of me and the asshat using a Selfie Stick.

I am so BORED with logging onto Instagram or checking out Facebook to see what the world is doing and seeing the above bullshit. You're boring! You bore me. You lose the 2.5 second attention span I had reserved for you. Please, I beg of you, put the camera away, for feck sake and go live.  Really live.  No one cares what you look like except the person your sleeping with and I feel sorry for them.


Speaking of working out...everyone knows my feelings about it and if you don't, I hate it. I think it sucks.  I can think of a million and a half other things I'd rather be doing than hanging out in some dank, enclosed, stinky, cement cave with brainless steroid induced muscle heads and sweaty whores with makeup on for hours every day. Yea..SO not my thing.  I'd rather be outside doing something amazingly worth my time, effort and sweat. 

But, I was thinking there are many things I do that do qualify as exercise in my book.  Let's see.....

Opening hard to open jars. Ugh.  Right?  I know you feel me here.
Preventing Jack from running outside whenever I open the door or actually taking him out to pee and him dragging me halfway down the lawn.
Shaving my legs without falling over. (And other places.)
Straightening my hair. Whatta nightmare.
Grocery shopping.  Whether it's the wonky cart, the walking around aimlessly trying to find shit or trying to carry all the bags in at once. 
Pumping gas.  Hey..someone has to open and close the gas cap.
Coloring.  My hands...they hurt me...but damn it!  I'm finishing that picture!!
Standing in line. I move way more than necessary. 
Sex.  Hey.....it counts...even if I just lay there.  haha

So, I think I'm good in the exercise category.  At least until Spring comes and I can go back outside like a normal person.

By the way, have I told you how awesome I am?
Ha. Ha. Ha.

I'm cranky in the winter, ey?  See?  I need the beach.....sun......warmth and a cocktail.....so I can take an interesting selfie. Pashaw.