October 20, 2013

Lost Baggage

Well...I'm single, homeless and jobless with a dog, a cat and a chronic disease.  My life really should be a reality show. You can't make this shit up.

Needless to say, I am broken. My heart is in pieces, my dreams have been shredded and my life has been fucked up. Some asshole came along, shook the hell out of the 'Kelly's Life' snow globe and now everything is a mess. 

But it's starting to settle.

I've moved back home to NY and am staying at my friend, Laura's, house. I adopted a homeless dog in Tennessee and named him Jack. He's my best friend now. I took Fred but left Timmy. This broke my heart. I will hopefully have a home by the end of the month.  I will hopefully have a job on November 11th. I will hopefully have insurance on December 1st. I may have lost a lot, but I haven't lost hope. 

Or my sense of humor. 

I started writing this days ago. No...this literary brilliance doesn't always flow like milk. Sometimes it flows like molasses, as it were.

I have a job..yay! I have a rental..yay! Both will go onto effect in November. I will have medical, dental, vision and a 401k again in December...yay! That's a lot of yays..I know. But I need the hold on to this happy so bear with me. The chaotic anger is coming. 

Right now.

October has sucked and it's not over yet. The worst of it all is that this man, who I loved more than anything, has royally fucked me over. Yep. No more yays. The thing that hurts the most is that he doesn't care. The thing that pisses me off the most is me. I have knowingly allowed bullshit to exist for 2.5 years. I cashed out 3- 401k's to rid him of his mothers debt, move into 2 different houses, rent moving trucks, pay off his back owed child support, buy gifts, go on vacations and basically live. I did. I did this. I spent what little money I had for us to exist.  Now...it's gone and I'm broke.

What kills me the most is that he called my dad..my father..and said I stole from him. Haha! What?! Really? Read the above, please. He said I am causing him to lose his job, that I broke things of his when I moved and that I bad mouthed him to his girls. It's the lying that I don't understand because I am not a liar. Never have been.  

He had nothing when I left, it was all mine. He was 'fraternizing with a co-worker' which is against most company policy so that's all him. I don't speak to the one daughter and did tell the oldest that I was leaving. I love her and I wasn't leaving without saying goodbye. After all, I was more of a father to her than her actual father. So...really?

Like I said, I don't get liars. I, unfortunately, get cheaters. That makes sense in my head. It's not right, I am not one but I can see some of the reasons behind being unfaithful. Lying is different. I don't understand the reasons, the whys or anything about it. Just be honest. It's not difficult and, in the end, the truth is easier. I especially don't get the liars who believe their own lies. That's just mental.

So, all in all, I'm feeling pretty ok for getting raped by someone I thought loved me. I went through the crying, the depression, the suicidal thoughts, the weakness, the shock, the loss, the loneliness, the anger, the sadness, the not understanding. Some of it, I'm still going through. I still have outbursts of unexplainable emotion. I burst into tears before I even realize they are in my eyes. It's so unlike me.

I spoke to my 'therapist'. He said that I feel emotion more strongly than most people and that's ok. He said the most important lesson I have learned is that I CAN love completely and with all that I have. That's huge for me. I am a wall builder and rarely let people in. I let a man in 110%. I also learned how to compromise. Which is huge, too. He said that now I am ready for the love of my life to walk in. I wasn't ready before so, for that, I'm grateful. 

I'd like him to wait a while, though. 

I am going to continue getting therapy because it's good for me and I need help with this one. Quite honestly. I'm going to take a writing class at the college. I'm going to start doing yoga and meditating regularly. I'm going to focus on me, for once in my life, and it's going to be exciting. 

But, for now, I'm a high class HO-meless person. I have an iPad, iPhone, car, air mattress, a DVD player, a heater, a dog and a cat. I'd say I'm pretty grateful for the amazing friendships I have. You really see people's true colors when you need help. I've seen a rainbow from both expected and unexpected people. From that I've learned to be humble, grateful and that I am worthy of love.

After all the exhausting bullshit, I can honestly say I am not surprised by these turn of events nor do I regret them. I am glad I had hope, tried and gave the best I could give. I'm going to be ok. Better, most likely. 

It's just going to take time....and some of my humor that I haven't lost. I will rely on that.

But, the baggage can be lost....because sometimes it's meant to be. Yea.