July 28, 2013

Real Life.

I am dating a recovering alcoholic with adult ADHD. There. The truth is out. The love of my life is not perfect. 

But, neither am I. I have serious trust issues and I'm mean. In addition, this is the first relationship I've been in where I've felt jealous and insecure.

I am having feelings that I've never felt before. For example, I found something awful. My entire body prickled on the inside, my stomach twisted, my heart pounded furiously, my vision flashed with black and I couldn't breathe. What is that? I don't even know what that feeling is! Anyone know? 

Now I am scared, lost, sad and angry. Those feelings I know about. I don't like them but I know what they are.

Together, he & I have 3 diseases. 3 hard, difficult, emotionally draining diseases. For both of us. 

I went to the library today and took out 3 books. One about ADHD, one about alcoholism and one about trust.  I skimmed through all 3 briefly and already found some interesting information. ADHD is more than having a child with a lot of energy. Their brains do not function 'normally'. Actions that piss me off are actually a result of this disease. Lack of attention, inability to listen or focus, boredom, forgetfulness. Add the alcoholism and you get lying, unaccountability, blaming everyone but themselves. Both have the inability to have healthy relationships. Throw in Type 1 Diabetes and you have moody, bitchy, over sensitivity, and anger. Not to mention I have taken to snooping, stalking and nagging. Great, right? 

What a fucking mess.

Can we survive?

One thing that I always have is hope.

I'm a runner by nature. Non-committal, independent, strong. So many people are and that's why I think more relationships fail now than ever before. Why bother? It's too much work. There are other fish in the sea. Right? It's relatively easy to walk away. Build walls. Harden your heart. Move on. But, that's easy.  Gawd knows, my life has never been easy.

I have hope. With everything. My life, my career, my disease, my daughter, my relationship. I never lose hope. Weird, right?

One thing that we both have is love.

We love each other. Plain and simple. More than anyone ever.

So, I'm educating myself. I'm learning all I can about ADHD. It's so much more than what it's thought to be by someone who doesn't have it. You know...'Oh, look! A chicken!'. Thats just the tip of the iceberg. The alcoholism I can deal with. My father was an alcoholic so I do have some experience. 

Another thing that we both have is humor.  A great sense of humor. Thank gawd. 

So, with hope, love and humor......we can't lose? Right? Yes? Please? Someone? Anyone? Hello?

I have just opened my private, personal life to you. Most people think I do this every day, but I don't. Not at all. Therefore, I would LOVE advice or input or opinions or thoughts. Please comment and shed some light. If you have been through a difficult time, have experience with any of these diseases or feelings, if you know what that feeling is, or if you just want to support me. I'd appreciate it.

My boyf is super private and never talks about his feelings. I do but not usually so seriously or publicly, so, please be kind.

This is one of those times in life where I wish I had a magic wand to make everyone feel good and happy. Especially myself.

*Peace.




4 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. I too am a recovering alcoholic. When I drank, I had not conscious idea of who I was hurting, nor did I care. As a 19 year recovering alcoholic, I find I still have "dry" alcoholic behaviors. The blaming shit on everyone sucks, the self pity, the mood swings and incredible urge to keep everything to yourself (because that's what you do in alcoholic families. right? Pretend everything is okay!)

    So as an adult...its one day at a time. If you got love, it's still one day at a time. If you have anger, focus on the good one angry moment at a time. If your moody...focus on the wave to help smooth it out...One damn wave at a time. (because we know the anger wave can be at historic heights depending on all the other events happening in life). I have a great book that was recommended to me to deal with my "dry dunk behavior" and anger....The anger Ladder. It helped me recognize "pre-anger" characteristics. Also...a book you might find wonderful with dealing with men (I read it & it literally changed my view of my husband 1st read!! then when I find he starts getting on MY nerves (ha) I re-read to remind me of what a male is truly thinking) is "For Women Only". It's a short great insightful book about how women misread men's actions (or lack there of).

    Relationships are a lot of work. I don't care what any one says. I've been married for 20 years, together for 22. We've been through alcoholism, being broke, being angry, happy, elated....but one thing we always have tried to do is remember love brought us together. We have invested a lot of time and energy into our relationship...is it really going to be very different with someone else? NOT at all! Might as well work on what is already there.

    Love with a solid base comes from building a strong foundation with hard work and a common goal. You want to make it work...and that's the bottom line! One Step at a time! It's too much to try to conquer EVERYTING all at once. One step is doable. One step is easier than 20 and in the end creates a stronger relationship that can weather the good and the bad! (LONG TERM)

    I highly recommend both of those books...very, very, very helpful & insightful!

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  3. Kelly - I just typed a big long detailed response to this heart filled blog....and it disappeared. (So instead of typing all my personal insight I'll cut to the chase)

    I have 2 resources that have helped me personally (I'm a recovered alcoholic and have "dry drunk" characteristics of which I've spent a long time minimizing).
    Must get books:
    1. The Anger Workbook Les Carter PHD
    2. For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn

    IF They do not have these at your library, email me your mailing address. I will send them to you. They saved me from losing myself in my downward spiral. (we are never 100%, but...)

    Bottom line Love is worth the work! And despite what some may say...IT IS WORK!I recently celebrated 20 years of marriage (22 together). Neither of us is perfect, but we knew that we were going to make it work.

    You got this! You got love! You just need to tools to give you courage to accept that it is real!!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much. I will get them at the library when I return the 3 I got today. I can handle a lot...just not cheating. That's also a behavior. I definitely need help. Thank you, thank you.

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