July 28, 2013

Real Life.

I am dating a recovering alcoholic with adult ADHD. There. The truth is out. The love of my life is not perfect. 

But, neither am I. I have serious trust issues and I'm mean. In addition, this is the first relationship I've been in where I've felt jealous and insecure.

I am having feelings that I've never felt before. For example, I found something awful. My entire body prickled on the inside, my stomach twisted, my heart pounded furiously, my vision flashed with black and I couldn't breathe. What is that? I don't even know what that feeling is! Anyone know? 

Now I am scared, lost, sad and angry. Those feelings I know about. I don't like them but I know what they are.

Together, he & I have 3 diseases. 3 hard, difficult, emotionally draining diseases. For both of us. 

I went to the library today and took out 3 books. One about ADHD, one about alcoholism and one about trust.  I skimmed through all 3 briefly and already found some interesting information. ADHD is more than having a child with a lot of energy. Their brains do not function 'normally'. Actions that piss me off are actually a result of this disease. Lack of attention, inability to listen or focus, boredom, forgetfulness. Add the alcoholism and you get lying, unaccountability, blaming everyone but themselves. Both have the inability to have healthy relationships. Throw in Type 1 Diabetes and you have moody, bitchy, over sensitivity, and anger. Not to mention I have taken to snooping, stalking and nagging. Great, right? 

What a fucking mess.

Can we survive?

One thing that I always have is hope.

I'm a runner by nature. Non-committal, independent, strong. So many people are and that's why I think more relationships fail now than ever before. Why bother? It's too much work. There are other fish in the sea. Right? It's relatively easy to walk away. Build walls. Harden your heart. Move on. But, that's easy.  Gawd knows, my life has never been easy.

I have hope. With everything. My life, my career, my disease, my daughter, my relationship. I never lose hope. Weird, right?

One thing that we both have is love.

We love each other. Plain and simple. More than anyone ever.

So, I'm educating myself. I'm learning all I can about ADHD. It's so much more than what it's thought to be by someone who doesn't have it. You know...'Oh, look! A chicken!'. Thats just the tip of the iceberg. The alcoholism I can deal with. My father was an alcoholic so I do have some experience. 

Another thing that we both have is humor.  A great sense of humor. Thank gawd. 

So, with hope, love and humor......we can't lose? Right? Yes? Please? Someone? Anyone? Hello?

I have just opened my private, personal life to you. Most people think I do this every day, but I don't. Not at all. Therefore, I would LOVE advice or input or opinions or thoughts. Please comment and shed some light. If you have been through a difficult time, have experience with any of these diseases or feelings, if you know what that feeling is, or if you just want to support me. I'd appreciate it.

My boyf is super private and never talks about his feelings. I do but not usually so seriously or publicly, so, please be kind.

This is one of those times in life where I wish I had a magic wand to make everyone feel good and happy. Especially myself.