March 28, 2013

Too Fat for my Fat Jeans.

You know it's bad when your fat jeans are ripping.  Oh. My. Lard. Ass.  I have no one to blame but my thunder thighs.  And Mr. Hashimoto.  Rawr.  At what point do I buy fatter fat jeans or just live in leggings and sweats?  I guess I'm going to have to start hanging out at Walmart all the time.

It's really sad when you feel fat.  I mean really feel fat.  Every woman has the misfortune of having fat days and skinny days.  These are all in her head.  There have been studies that prove a woman can remain at the same weight for one week yet feel like she has gained 10 pounds 4 out of the 7 days.  So, it sucks Double Stuff Oreo Filling when you realize that you HAVE gained 10 pounds in one week. 

If my Dr. doesn't get this thyroid under control, I'm going to spontaneously combust. 


Why is it that I work my ass off?  Not literally...see the above paragraphs.  I was wise...downgraded from salary to hourly AND I work more!!!  It's crazy how the more money people make, the less they seem to work.  I guess that's life.  It makes sense because I am a hard worker.  I also like my shit to be done, look good, read right and present a good idea.  That's what happens when you are a Virgo who has worked in Advertising for most of her career. Guess, because of that, I'm supposed to make less.  

On another note, I seriously think someone has a voodoo doll with my name on it.  Bitches.  Sunday night I fell down my basement stairs.  You don't even understand.  These stairs are treacherous.  They are about as big as a tortured Chinese woman's feet and almost vertical.  Why someone would put their washer & dryer down there is beside me.  Anyway, I fell halfway down, smashed my ass, elbow and foot.  Today I have a huge bruise that takes up most of my left ass cheek. 

Then, Monday, I wake up full of snot.  Seriously.  I was a phlegm vessel and couldn't breathe so I called into work.  I had a headache, too, so I went downstairs and laid on the couch.  A few minutes later, I broke out in severe hives.  My heart was pounding like I ran a marathon, I was sweating profusely and itching like a maniac.  Then I threw up.  I got up off the couch with a mouth full of vomit, ran towards the kitchen sink and right before I made it, threw up again.  Yep.  Projectile.  Then I passed out on the floor.  My daughter came down, saw me on the floor in a puddle of puke and thought I was dead.  She obviously checked my blood I was good.

I wake up and run to the bathroom where I had diarrhea AND got my period.  WTH?!! Ew, right?! I swear to gawd, whomever is torturing me better watch out.  Unless it's Karma.  In that case, hopefully I paid my dues and I'm sorry for whatever I haha!

I just went to the bathroom and my fat jeans ripped some more.  Nice.  I'm screwed.  Or not because I'm a fatty. Wink wink nudge nudge


In my defense, they are like 10 years old.  They are not only my fat jeans, they are my favorite. 

Gap!  Long and Lean.  However....I'm not long because I've shrunk and I'm not lean because I'm a fatty.

Stupid Gap.

Now that I'm thinking about it....I'm going to subtract 10 pounds from my weight.  Because, really, a brain, boobs and ass this fabulous shouldn't count against me.  Psh.


This blog is a lot of personal shit, ey?  I guess I'm too tired to withold personal information.  Or I'm too honest.  Either way, does it really matter?  I'm funny and my life should totally be a reality show.


Hope you all have a Happy Easter!  May it be as festive and colorful as a gay wedding!  Of which I am a supporter!