February 20, 2012

Places I Steal From.

The bank. They have a Keurig for customers so I always take a K-cup when I leave.

Work. Come on, people, who doesn't take a pen or post its? If you say no, you're a liar and a thief.

Walmart. Hey...when my blood sugar drops, I'm eating a snack and so what. Ha.

Nature. I don't cut trees down but I will steal a fallen one for heat. Hmmmhmmmm.

Ex-landlords. It's my leather jacket now...and my garden tools.

My Doctor. Hey, you never know when you might need a pair of rubber gloves. *wink wink nudge nudge*

The internet. I steal funny shit from this place all of the time. Eh...sue me.

My boyf. I steal his shirt and jacket all the time. He won't even wear the jacket now because it has blonde hair all over it so, technically, it's mine now.

Restaurants. I steal Splenda all the time. I've stolen silverware. In fact, I used to have the cutest tiny silver spoons that I stole when I was in Ireland. I've also taken little ramekins that my ketchup or sauce has been in for random places. Too bad I've lost all of these things since moving around the country. Mental note to restock.

The funny thing is...Abe & Amanda both know I steal things. haha! I'm like a modern day Robin Hood. I'm poor and they are my merry men. :)

I probably would think I was a kleptomaniac but I'm not OCD. Oh, wait.....maybe I am. Damn it! It's not so much the NEED. It's the CHALLENGE. I just like to see if I can get away with it. I don't necessarily need the stuff I take. I just like taking it. I'm just glad I'm a klepto and not a hoarder. Whew. Thankfully, Amanda got the hoarding gene. haha!

I'm probably going to hell but I don't care. That's where all the fun people will be. Besides, I have no doubt that everyone has sticky fingers here and there. This is a safe place, tell the truth.


February 6, 2012

May I Have Your Attention, Please?

Gentlemen: Please make an effort to purchase pants that are long enough. I have seen a number of men walking around in pants that are too short. Makes me want to convert to a 12 year old and ask 'Are you expecting a flood?'

Come on, Urkel, use a dressing room or mirror once in a while. *sigh*

I also saw a guy with a mullet the other day. I wasn't aware that mullets still walked the earth. I thought they were extinct. Seriously, I honestly thought they were a hysterical joke of the past. I mean even Joe Dirt got a new wig eventually.

Mullets were a short lived phase in the real world. But, in this guy's world, this guy's canned beer, venison eating, flannel wearing, chew in the cheek, wife beater donner, marry your cousin world, I guess they are still popular. No...I don't want to guess they are still popular. They are not popular. They're not. Are they? Please say no. Please say this is a fad that is NOT coming back and that DID go away.

I have no doubt that if I went up to Earl...yes, I named him Earl...and asked about his mullet...he would reply 'Business in the front, party in the back.' No. Doubt.

On the subject of hair, what is with the billy goat's gruff thing? This also reminds me of Joe Dirt. I can't imagine why anyone would choose that look instead of a stash or beard or both. Only women should have landing strips. So, I have to imagine that it just 'grows in on its own all white trashy like that.'

It really makes me wonder what world I am living in and how I mistakenly ended up here.

Let's see...what else?

Oh, mistakenly ended up here.

I have pretty much decided that I'm moving to South Carolina within the next year. My gypsy soul is stirring....for the most part. I love New York but I miss the sun and being warm and being financially stable. I mean, I'm not destitute, I am surviving. But, I'm used to being able to do what I want, when I want, where I want, with whom I want. Some might say spoiled...I say successful. ;) Anyhoo. I worked very hard to change my lifestyle and it's stinky to have to revert back to 25 years ago. I'm a survivor though. A badass who can handle and beat anything. Yep, yep.

The conundrum I'm faced with, at the moment, is leaving my family and friends. Uprooting yet again. Granted, I haven't been here as long as I was the first time, or as long as I was in Vegas but leaving is still the same regardless of time. I haven't had my family around me for 20+ years and I like it. I never realized how much I missed it. Even if I don't see them all the time, I know I can see them in a moment if I wanted to. That's a really great feeling.

But, maybe I'm unlike many in that I see life as an adventure. I like being in a rut but I also like change. I've gone from the woods, to the desert and now I'm going to try the beach. I mean, the possibilities are endless. Yea?

Besides, SC is a lot closer to NY than Vegas was. I can drive home if I want, when I want.

I really need to start taking notes. Several times a week, I will see or notice or think of something crazy that I want to write about. By the time I actually have a moment and log on, I've lost all the crazy. Maybe if I had a notebook that I carried with me, I could jot down the crazy and use it at my will. Hmmm...this is a good idea. What clever little name can I call it? My...bonkers book.....nutty notes....preposterous pad.....jerky journal....looney something. Looney is a good word. I like it. Any looney suggestions for a book full of nonsense? I'm sure that is all it will have in it. Utter nonsense because...like my friend, Ellen, says...my brain should be left for science.