July 4, 2011

The Universe, The Coyote & The Something.

‘Listen. Balance, my darling, is not letting anybody love you less than you love yourself.’ ~Felipe from Eat, Pray, Love

As I sit here pondering my life in a lackadaisical manner, this quote keeps floating through my mind. Even though I am beyond bored & swimming in thought, I can’t help myself. I get up and put in the dvd with the slight hope of getting some sort of personal solace from Julia Roberts eating in Italy, praying in India and loving in Bali. What I wouldn’t give to do all three at this moment in time.

I am not one who loves lightly. I have wanted to be in love many times. However, I can only count the times I have truly been in love on one hand. I guess I’m lucky that I have had that many. So much luckier than those who have had none.

But, never….in all of my loves…have I felt so lost, lonely and completely mad. Not mad I’m going to punch you in the gonads mad. Mad as in insane, illogical, nonsensical, daft, wacky, deranged, mad. I’m not gonna lie. I’m a nutter to begin with. Crazy people know they are crazy. It’s the ones who don’t that you should be concerned about. I know I’m crazy. I know my mind works differently than most and I’m ok with that. In fact, that is one of the things I love most about myself.

Which brings me back to the quote. I love myself immensely. I can write you a litany of flaws that I have. I am beyond broken & perfectly aware of it. But, I love me. The fabulous, intelligently charming, oddly beautiful me. Also the flawed, imperfect, injured and broken me. I love it all, as it should be. I also love immensely. When I love, truly love, that person knows they are loved because I don’t hesitate to let it show, to let them know because everyone should know. Everyone should know they are loved.

Why, do you think, would I allow anyone to love me less than I love myself? Why do people, in general, accept this as such? And, we do. We all do. And, we all have. At some point or another and possibly still.

This is a great movie, ‘Eat, Pray, Love’. It’s a great book. If you haven’t read or seen it, please do so. When I started reading this book, I connected with the author. I connected with her feelings, with her needs, her wants, her dreams, her hopes. I wanted to wander and find something that I knew I was seeking. Something that I knew I was missing.

My entire life, something was missing. Something was lost. Something. The ever elusive something. I never knew what the something was but I knew I didn’t have it. I knew I wasn’t finding it. I knew that I wouldn’t be complete, I wouldn’t be whole, I wouldn’t feel complete or whole, ever. Never. Not until I realized what or where that something was.

Then without notice, without warning, the Universe shuffles the deck, rolls the dice, draws a straw, sees what is needed, creates the opportunity and lays it in your life.

And, just like that, a new stage begins.

The teller at my bank says that I have the coyote following me in my life. The Coyote is a mythological character in Native American culture. He’s the trickster. He is the reason my life has always been filled with things that are just too much. I used to call it Murphy’s Law or I’d say I was like Schleprock. Come to find out…it’s a coyote. I’m so glad my grandmother had some Indian in her because I really needed a lifetime of this crap. I am so used to obscure things happening to me that my mom says I don’t even get upset anymore. I just laugh because, really? Did I expect anything less than chaos? Nope.

So…why should I be surprised that when I find that something. That void filling something. That lost, missing, elusive something. Why would I be surprised that I couldn’t immediately have it? Why would I be surprised that there would be tricks and hoops and chaos that I would have to endure. That I would have to deal with before I could have the something that I so desperately need to feel complete? To feel more loved than I love myself. Why would I think this would be easy?

So, whether it is the Universe or the coyote, the crazy thing is is that I had this something before. In my hands. In my life. In my heart. And…I let it go. I let it go for a comfort & safety that I knew. Thrown into the same exact situation 20+ years later, thankfully, I am smarter. I took the path I should have taken. I made the choice I should have made. I realized, completely and fully, that my something was found.

But...that's another story.

My life is about to have some big changes. Some big, crazy changes. Like I said a while back on Facebook, what sounds crazy to some people may make perfect sense to you. Why would my life be anything less than crazy chaos? I probably would be bored if it weren't. Or if Mr. Coyote wandered off to torture someone else. *hint hint*

Now this blog probably doesn’t make any damn sense to any one. Well…blame it on the coyote. ;)

‘I want to go someplace where I can marvel at something.’ ~Liz from Eat, Pray, Love.


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