July 17, 2011

Ruler of the World

I wish people looked like their personality. Wouldn't that be awesome? I think everyone should be able to see, in one glance, the wondrous person you are....or...the piece of shit you are. For example, the woman who works at DD that gives me my scrumdiddlyumptious Blueberry cawfee in the morning. She is the sweetest, nicest & kindest woman I've had the pleasure of noticing in my life....but she is unfortunate in the looks department. Then you have the beautiful, gorgeous eye candy, who works at none of your business, and is such a bitch that you just can't believe it's true. How can someone so beautiful on the outside be so ugly on the inside? And vice versa. How can someone unattractive on the outside be so beautiful on the inside? I honestly don't think it's fair. Thank gawd I am stunning inside & out. haha! Notice I didn't say stunning in a good or a bad way. ;)

Anyway. Whoever made the looks/personality rule needs to be smacked in the head. People with beautiful souls should have beautiful faces. People with crappy personalities should totally have crappy faces. That's how my rule would work. Psh. Would save a lot of time.

I knew I should have been ruler of the world.

Have you noticed that songs get ruined? If a song is in a movie, or a video game, or commercial, there is a good chance that song will forever be tainted in my head. For example, I'm driving down the road and 'Talk Dirty To Me' comes on the iPod. Is the first thing that comes to mind Poison and What The Cat Dragged In? Do I remember being totally stoned at their Orange County Fair concert & head banging with my girlfriends? Do I recall 80's glam bands & out of control hair? Do I remember when Bret Michaels was hot and not an aging rock star wanna be? No. I don't. The first thing that pops into this crazy mind of mine is Guitar Hero and the key sequence. Wiiii! Same thing with Slow Ride.

It doesn't stop there. Movies taint the music, too. Who doesn't think of Joe Dirt when 'Who Do You Love' comes on? You'd be lying if you said this wasn't the first vision that popped into your head as soon as you heard comes across your favorite classic station.


I'm just saying, I wonder if these bands and artist know that one simple choice changes everything. 'The Joker'? Homer Simpson? Come on.

Oh, and I have to ask. Does anyone else get creeped out by dolls? I don't know if it's because they look like imitation people. Or if it's because they blankly stare at you with their creepy eyes. Or if it's because of this...

AHHHHHH! I seriously have to tell you...I hate dolls. I truly believe they suck your soul out at night when you're sleeping. Sort of like cats do. There is not one part of me that would ever want to visit that doll room lady. You know the one. She is about 100 years old and has an entire room filled with creepy staring dolls with creepy smiles and creepy stands attached to their creepy necks or creepy backs.

AHHHHHH! I was never a doll kid growing up. I'm not talking Barbies, either. Barbies, for whatever reason, are different. The only thing creepy about Barbies are their feet. No...I'm talking doll dolls. Amanda was never into dolls either. Thank gawd. I don't believe, in my 42 years of life, I have ever given anyone a doll as a present either. Oh, and yes. I also loathe those ventriloquist dolls. In fact, I loathe ventriloquists. Why don't they have real people as friends? Hmmm? Exactly.


Anyway, before I crawl under the covers and hide, let me finish. Since I'm assuming most people agree with my creepy doll opinion, why would you give them to people? Amanda & I went to a business grand opening and they were giving away prizes. Sign your name on a piece of paper, toss it in the bucket & you could be a winner, winner, chicken dinner! Ok! Yay! We did. Later that day, Amanda gets a phone call saying that we won. Yay again!! She said I won a book and she won fairy dust. Fun! Awesome! Let's go pick them up! And...away we went.

Amanda runs into the place and comes out a few minutes later with a look of horror on her sweet face. She gets into my car, hands me a book and then shows me this pink nightmare. She didn't win fairy dust. She won a fairy doll. This one, in fact.

AHHHHHH! We didn't know what to do with it so we put it in my closet. Granted, it could be worse. But, now, every time I go to get clothes, this blonde creeper grabs the closet door, taunts me with her evil eyes, curly locks and her creepy stand. I want to throw her away but I'm afraid of retaliation. It's like when I kill a spider. I think it's family will come back and seek revenge. I feel the same way about this doll.

Maybe I'll accidentally forget her when we move. Accidentally. Yea...accidentally.


If I were ruler of the world, there certainly wouldn't be any dolls.


July 4, 2011

The Universe, The Coyote & The Something.

‘Listen. Balance, my darling, is not letting anybody love you less than you love yourself.’ ~Felipe from Eat, Pray, Love

As I sit here pondering my life in a lackadaisical manner, this quote keeps floating through my mind. Even though I am beyond bored & swimming in thought, I can’t help myself. I get up and put in the dvd with the slight hope of getting some sort of personal solace from Julia Roberts eating in Italy, praying in India and loving in Bali. What I wouldn’t give to do all three at this moment in time.

I am not one who loves lightly. I have wanted to be in love many times. However, I can only count the times I have truly been in love on one hand. I guess I’m lucky that I have had that many. So much luckier than those who have had none.

But, never….in all of my loves…have I felt so lost, lonely and completely mad. Not mad I’m going to punch you in the gonads mad. Mad as in insane, illogical, nonsensical, daft, wacky, deranged, mad. I’m not gonna lie. I’m a nutter to begin with. Crazy people know they are crazy. It’s the ones who don’t that you should be concerned about. I know I’m crazy. I know my mind works differently than most and I’m ok with that. In fact, that is one of the things I love most about myself.

Which brings me back to the quote. I love myself immensely. I can write you a litany of flaws that I have. I am beyond broken & perfectly aware of it. But, I love me. The fabulous, intelligently charming, oddly beautiful me. Also the flawed, imperfect, injured and broken me. I love it all, as it should be. I also love immensely. When I love, truly love, that person knows they are loved because I don’t hesitate to let it show, to let them know because everyone should know. Everyone should know they are loved.

Why, do you think, would I allow anyone to love me less than I love myself? Why do people, in general, accept this as such? And, we do. We all do. And, we all have. At some point or another and possibly still.

This is a great movie, ‘Eat, Pray, Love’. It’s a great book. If you haven’t read or seen it, please do so. When I started reading this book, I connected with the author. I connected with her feelings, with her needs, her wants, her dreams, her hopes. I wanted to wander and find something that I knew I was seeking. Something that I knew I was missing.

My entire life, something was missing. Something was lost. Something. The ever elusive something. I never knew what the something was but I knew I didn’t have it. I knew I wasn’t finding it. I knew that I wouldn’t be complete, I wouldn’t be whole, I wouldn’t feel complete or whole, ever. Never. Not until I realized what or where that something was.

Then without notice, without warning, the Universe shuffles the deck, rolls the dice, draws a straw, sees what is needed, creates the opportunity and lays it in your life.

And, just like that, a new stage begins.

The teller at my bank says that I have the coyote following me in my life. The Coyote is a mythological character in Native American culture. He’s the trickster. He is the reason my life has always been filled with things that are just too much. I used to call it Murphy’s Law or I’d say I was like Schleprock. Come to find out…it’s a coyote. I’m so glad my grandmother had some Indian in her because I really needed a lifetime of this crap. I am so used to obscure things happening to me that my mom says I don’t even get upset anymore. I just laugh because, really? Did I expect anything less than chaos? Nope.

So…why should I be surprised that when I find that something. That void filling something. That lost, missing, elusive something. Why would I be surprised that I couldn’t immediately have it? Why would I be surprised that there would be tricks and hoops and chaos that I would have to endure. That I would have to deal with before I could have the something that I so desperately need to feel complete? To feel more loved than I love myself. Why would I think this would be easy?

So, whether it is the Universe or the coyote, the crazy thing is is that I had this something before. In my hands. In my life. In my heart. And…I let it go. I let it go for a comfort & safety that I knew. Thrown into the same exact situation 20+ years later, thankfully, I am smarter. I took the path I should have taken. I made the choice I should have made. I realized, completely and fully, that my something was found.

But...that's another story.

My life is about to have some big changes. Some big, crazy changes. Like I said a while back on Facebook, what sounds crazy to some people may make perfect sense to you. Why would my life be anything less than crazy chaos? I probably would be bored if it weren't. Or if Mr. Coyote wandered off to torture someone else. *hint hint*

Now this blog probably doesn’t make any damn sense to any one. Well…blame it on the coyote. ;)

‘I want to go someplace where I can marvel at something.’ ~Liz from Eat, Pray, Love.