March 11, 2011


Holy crap. I'm a cidiot.

I have been back home, in the sticks, for 5 months. I don't mean to insult anyone by referring to my home as 'the sticks' but, let's face it. It is the sticks. 'Country' makes me think of like Arkansas and crap. So, sticks it is and sticks it shall be to me. I find it unreal that Manhattan is only 1.5 hours away. Where in that 1.5 hour radius was a line drawn? A line that is palpable...but maybe only to those who have left.

Since I have been in Vegas for 20 years, that's my only point of reference, so bear with me and my comparison list.

~Everyone is related. If not by blood, then by marriage. Be careful because that girl at Cherries you are checking out may very well be your cousin. ;p
~Everyone is in your business. Whether it's true or not, people are gossiping about you. Apparently there isn't enough reality tv or Jerry Springer to keep the inbred occupied.
~Bodily fluid style.
Jack sleeps with Jill, Edna & Jill's sister, Lisa. Marries Lisa.
Dan sleeps with Edna, marries Edna & then sleeps with Lisa, too.
Dan's twin sleeps with Jill.
Ew. Gross.
~Mullets are still in. Teeth are out.
~Trucks, deer heads, beer & chew. 'Nuff said.
~Smokers, smokers, everywhere. Not a clean breath to be had.
~Having a high school diploma doesn't mean you can spell....or deserved to graduate.
~Everything is old, dirty & worn down.

~You're lucky if you know your neighbor, let alone be related to them.
~Privacy is key. No one knows when the last time you took a shit was & no one really gives one.
~Your love life is just that. Yours. Sure everyone has a past. But your past is just the past.
Kate sleeps with Paco.
Kate stays with Paco for 3 years.
Kate never runs into Paco anyplace after they break up.
Kate never hears about Paco from anyone after they break up.
~Fashion over function...and teeth aren't kept in your pants pocket....and they are brushed.
~You don't have to travel 45 minutes to get a Starbucks.
~Education is important. Social responsibility is important. Equality is important. Culture is important.
~Everything is new, clean & efficient.

I love how people still say 'You grew up here!' Yea...grew up. I was a baby, kid & teen. I didn't care about anything other than candy, Barbies, cheerleading & boys. Come on! Be serious! So, I don't know how the heating works here. I turned on the heat in Vegas & it was warm. Magically. As it should be. It was also affordable. Here I have to call someone to fill a rusty tank full of something and pay $500 to freeze anyway. The roads were paved and smooth. Here I'm dodging everything from ice to potholes the size of the Grand Canyon to wild animals. Also, cars were new and well kept. Here they are held together by rust, dirt & twine. Here some of the outdoor furniture used to be indoor furniture, I'm sure of it. I'm used to manicured lawns & actual patio furniture. I don't know how to start a fire. Why is this important? Because my new house has a fireplace & I'm hoping that next winter it will help keep me warm as well as lower the $500 a month heating bill. Things are more expensive in the sticks than they were in the city. NY is taxing the muther effing crap out of everything!! Either that, or, I was just making tons of moolah in the city. I also have a ton of high heels and 1 pair of boots. Guess which I need more of? *sigh* Shall I continue my rant?

Yes, I shall. I seriously brake for squirrels. I have stopped in the middle of the road because of said platypus or a flock of pheasants & Googled. I knew they weren't turkeys!! HA! It's so dark here I can't see the road and now I really hate to drive. I have been cold for 5 months....literally freezing. I also think I've aged 10 years in the past 5 months so living here is hard. There are bugs everywhere. Yes, yes, there were bugs in Vegas, too, but I had Jason. My bug man. I don't think I ever thanked him or appreciated him enough. If you are out there, Jason, you are my creature champion. Thank you!!!

Of course, I have forgotten how to live here, and why wouldn't I?! It's been a freaking nightmare!! Winter is awful. But...I'm re-learning how to live here. It will take me some time but I refuse to fail. I refuse to let NY kick my ass in any way, shape or form. Watch me. The one thing I haven't forgotten is attitude and self confidence. I have tons of both.

However, I will never share bodily fluids like I'm partaking in a family of swingers orgy. I don't care how shallow the dating pool is. I will not dumb myself down for anyone nor will I allow you into my life uninvited. I did this when I was young. I am not so young now. I will also try very hard to keep my teeth in my mouth, clean and white. Promise.

I will love that my family & friends are here. I will spend every moment appreciating who they are, what they mean to me and how greatly they love. It's amazing. One of the great things about the sticks is that when you are in are given all the help & support you can imagine.

I mean when I felt weaker than I have ever felt, am standing in the middle of my new kitchen floor, doubled over, crying & feeling like my best friend just ripped my stomach & my heart true friend was there picking up my pieces and loving me completely. I walked out of that kitchen laughing, feeling more normal and whole than I have in 10 months, knowing everything was going to be ok. You can't buy that shit.

I will enjoy the spring, summer & fall. Although, spring & summer had really better be kick ass!! I'm OVER this winter shit. Another great thing about the sticks is I can plant a garden of veggies & flowers. IN THE GROUND!! In the actual ground!! I don't need to buy pots, potting soil & drown them in water 2x a day. ::angels singing:::

Now, I'm not trying to offend anyone who lives around here. So, if you happen to have stumbled across the internetz web and takin offenze....please don't. You have survived shit I have not had to nor have ever wanted to. Kudos to you....and your 1st cousin. ;) It's just funny to realize the difference between hillbilly's and cidiots, such as myself. I'm sure you are sitting at home, eating your venison & making fun of me, too.

It's just amazing that those who have never left here are exactly as they were 20 years ago. I mean, can you not have some extent? Again...we are only 1.5 hours away from civilization. Anyhoo...I sometimes feel like I have fallen back into a 'Land of the Lost' episode wondering how the hell I will escape & trying to avoid Chaka.

However, I will keep my West Coast niceness, smile when I want to scream & laugh when I want to cry. I will also keep my East Coast bad ass, won't take your shit & can survive anything. I grew up a New Yorker but I grew into a woman in Las Vegas. I think together they make a pretty fabulous person...albeit a cidiot.


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