March 14, 2011

Leave Your Past Behind You.

Is your past really ever in your past?

This is the question that has been tickling my brain for a couple of weeks now. I even put said question as my Facebook status to see what sort of reaction I got.

Here are some of the comments:

Tina: Nope. Your past will always have a little piece of you. ALWAYS.
Michelle: It never is, the past has helped shape us into the person we are today. You may not see the same faces (of the friends and foes), but they will always be a small part of us.
Chris: I say absolutely not! As much as we'd like sometimes, its always there...but then without, we would not be who we are...and there is always something great to celebrate there! Just need to look closely and without judgment.

Interesting responses and I wholeheartedly agree. I'm pretty sure everyone does. The past is most definitely what makes us who we are on this day, in this moment. It has shaped our beliefs, our behaviors, our patterns & our selves into the fabulous beings that we are. Undoubtedly.

I think moving back to a small town, where everyone knows everyone...& thinks they know everything...has brought my past directly into my future. At times, this is lovely. At other times, a freaking nightmare!!

Some past relationships need to stay in the past because they weren't successful for a very good reason. These are the ones that need to be released. These are the ones that never had nor will have a chance of succeeding. These are the ones that prevent us from moving forward into healthy relationships. These are the ones that haunt us.

The 'failures'.

Let's be honest. We all hate to be lumped into the 'fail' category but it happens. Failed relationships. Failed friendships. Failed job choices. Failed outfit options.

A moment of silence for poor Menudo, please......ok.

So..what if the Universe, in her awe inspiring wisdom, throws a past relationship into your future for a very good reason? The one you weren't ready for then but may be ready for now. The one that had a chance of succeeding. The one that needs to be resurrected. The one that has hope.

The 'possibilities'.

Possibilities are a much happier category. They are more like the newly introduced fav in my life, the Pom Martini. With the perfect amount of vodka. The snap of salt on the rim. The giggly, happy tips. No hangover. Possibilities...& hopefully Pom Martini's...are endless.

I mean, if you are going to consider one option, you must consider both, right? Right. And...if you are one who believes in destiny or fate....what if you stumbled? Tripped...stepped back instead of stepped forward, would you lose your chance? After all, we all make mistakes. Would that be fair in the grand scheme of things? Or would the fates decide to let you suffer a bit before throwing that past into your present or future? Just so you realized, understood the chance you were being given & corrected the err in judgment? I's mind blowing if you really commit to thinking about it.

Life is funny that way. Thankfully. Otherwise I'd be super bored.

For those of you who choose to delve deeper into the past about this little slice? "For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Thanks, Ralph. (No relation to Pom Martini, I'm sure.)

Now let's pull up the past anchor, hoist the main & sail on. There are clear skies ahead.

Freaking spring!!! Who doesn't love spring? Is there anyone? Really? Anyone? I mean, speaking of possibilities, spring is full of them. I am SO over this thing New Yorkers call winter. I call it suck and rightly so. All I know is that NY isn't ranking high on my gypsy list. The lilacs better be kick ass. I mean, even the grass & green woods aren't going to be kick ass because of the stupid ticks & bugs. It's like NY effs you every which way it can.

I wonder where I belong. I like the woods, and greenery. I like spring, summer & autumn. I like being warm. I took a quiz on Find Your Spot . There were many choices I would never Arkansas. I've been through Arkansas & it's like the worst state ever. Blah. But, Chattanooga, TN was on the list. That'd be fun because I could be the annoying local that sang that song all the time. Georgia was on there. That'd be fun cause I wanna be a peach. VA was there & that's cool because VA is for lovers. OR was there, too, but that may be a little too far from home. I don't want to totally be away from the fam like I was in Vegas.

Ahem...pardon me, boy....

Hopefully, I will know before my 2 year NY plan expires. The truth is, I'm not sure where my life road will take me. I kinda like it that way. It's like a little surprise. Huh...maybe I am a gypsy. No....I'm definitely too white to be a gypsy. Maybe I'm a wanderer. I'm pretty sure, though, that wanderer's would never have a BFF that had Dolly hair or a boyf with an Elvis lip...but...I've been known to be wrong before.

And, please don't forget, all that wander are not lost.

You know what I wish? That there was a special little message that callers/texters would get when you change your number. I've recently changed my number for justifiable reasons. Ahem...stalkers/creepers/liars/asstards/the annoying & insecure. Oh, & bill collectors.

Now the caller gets some random 'That person is unavailable' message & the texter gets nothing. They just think they are being ignored. How about, instead, they both get something like this: 'The person you're trying to reach has changed their number. Obviously you're one of the douches who didn't get the new number. Have a nice day.'

That'd be awesome....and effective, methinks.

Wow...tipsy rambling is fun....or maybe just I think so. haha!


March 11, 2011


Holy crap. I'm a cidiot.

I have been back home, in the sticks, for 5 months. I don't mean to insult anyone by referring to my home as 'the sticks' but, let's face it. It is the sticks. 'Country' makes me think of like Arkansas and crap. So, sticks it is and sticks it shall be to me. I find it unreal that Manhattan is only 1.5 hours away. Where in that 1.5 hour radius was a line drawn? A line that is palpable...but maybe only to those who have left.

Since I have been in Vegas for 20 years, that's my only point of reference, so bear with me and my comparison list.

~Everyone is related. If not by blood, then by marriage. Be careful because that girl at Cherries you are checking out may very well be your cousin. ;p
~Everyone is in your business. Whether it's true or not, people are gossiping about you. Apparently there isn't enough reality tv or Jerry Springer to keep the inbred occupied.
~Bodily fluid style.
Jack sleeps with Jill, Edna & Jill's sister, Lisa. Marries Lisa.
Dan sleeps with Edna, marries Edna & then sleeps with Lisa, too.
Dan's twin sleeps with Jill.
Ew. Gross.
~Mullets are still in. Teeth are out.
~Trucks, deer heads, beer & chew. 'Nuff said.
~Smokers, smokers, everywhere. Not a clean breath to be had.
~Having a high school diploma doesn't mean you can spell....or deserved to graduate.
~Everything is old, dirty & worn down.

~You're lucky if you know your neighbor, let alone be related to them.
~Privacy is key. No one knows when the last time you took a shit was & no one really gives one.
~Your love life is just that. Yours. Sure everyone has a past. But your past is just the past.
Kate sleeps with Paco.
Kate stays with Paco for 3 years.
Kate never runs into Paco anyplace after they break up.
Kate never hears about Paco from anyone after they break up.
~Fashion over function...and teeth aren't kept in your pants pocket....and they are brushed.
~You don't have to travel 45 minutes to get a Starbucks.
~Education is important. Social responsibility is important. Equality is important. Culture is important.
~Everything is new, clean & efficient.

I love how people still say 'You grew up here!' Yea...grew up. I was a baby, kid & teen. I didn't care about anything other than candy, Barbies, cheerleading & boys. Come on! Be serious! So, I don't know how the heating works here. I turned on the heat in Vegas & it was warm. Magically. As it should be. It was also affordable. Here I have to call someone to fill a rusty tank full of something and pay $500 to freeze anyway. The roads were paved and smooth. Here I'm dodging everything from ice to potholes the size of the Grand Canyon to wild animals. Also, cars were new and well kept. Here they are held together by rust, dirt & twine. Here some of the outdoor furniture used to be indoor furniture, I'm sure of it. I'm used to manicured lawns & actual patio furniture. I don't know how to start a fire. Why is this important? Because my new house has a fireplace & I'm hoping that next winter it will help keep me warm as well as lower the $500 a month heating bill. Things are more expensive in the sticks than they were in the city. NY is taxing the muther effing crap out of everything!! Either that, or, I was just making tons of moolah in the city. I also have a ton of high heels and 1 pair of boots. Guess which I need more of? *sigh* Shall I continue my rant?

Yes, I shall. I seriously brake for squirrels. I have stopped in the middle of the road because of said platypus or a flock of pheasants & Googled. I knew they weren't turkeys!! HA! It's so dark here I can't see the road and now I really hate to drive. I have been cold for 5 months....literally freezing. I also think I've aged 10 years in the past 5 months so living here is hard. There are bugs everywhere. Yes, yes, there were bugs in Vegas, too, but I had Jason. My bug man. I don't think I ever thanked him or appreciated him enough. If you are out there, Jason, you are my creature champion. Thank you!!!

Of course, I have forgotten how to live here, and why wouldn't I?! It's been a freaking nightmare!! Winter is awful. But...I'm re-learning how to live here. It will take me some time but I refuse to fail. I refuse to let NY kick my ass in any way, shape or form. Watch me. The one thing I haven't forgotten is attitude and self confidence. I have tons of both.

However, I will never share bodily fluids like I'm partaking in a family of swingers orgy. I don't care how shallow the dating pool is. I will not dumb myself down for anyone nor will I allow you into my life uninvited. I did this when I was young. I am not so young now. I will also try very hard to keep my teeth in my mouth, clean and white. Promise.

I will love that my family & friends are here. I will spend every moment appreciating who they are, what they mean to me and how greatly they love. It's amazing. One of the great things about the sticks is that when you are in are given all the help & support you can imagine.

I mean when I felt weaker than I have ever felt, am standing in the middle of my new kitchen floor, doubled over, crying & feeling like my best friend just ripped my stomach & my heart true friend was there picking up my pieces and loving me completely. I walked out of that kitchen laughing, feeling more normal and whole than I have in 10 months, knowing everything was going to be ok. You can't buy that shit.

I will enjoy the spring, summer & fall. Although, spring & summer had really better be kick ass!! I'm OVER this winter shit. Another great thing about the sticks is I can plant a garden of veggies & flowers. IN THE GROUND!! In the actual ground!! I don't need to buy pots, potting soil & drown them in water 2x a day. ::angels singing:::

Now, I'm not trying to offend anyone who lives around here. So, if you happen to have stumbled across the internetz web and takin offenze....please don't. You have survived shit I have not had to nor have ever wanted to. Kudos to you....and your 1st cousin. ;) It's just funny to realize the difference between hillbilly's and cidiots, such as myself. I'm sure you are sitting at home, eating your venison & making fun of me, too.

It's just amazing that those who have never left here are exactly as they were 20 years ago. I mean, can you not have some extent? Again...we are only 1.5 hours away from civilization. Anyhoo...I sometimes feel like I have fallen back into a 'Land of the Lost' episode wondering how the hell I will escape & trying to avoid Chaka.

However, I will keep my West Coast niceness, smile when I want to scream & laugh when I want to cry. I will also keep my East Coast bad ass, won't take your shit & can survive anything. I grew up a New Yorker but I grew into a woman in Las Vegas. I think together they make a pretty fabulous person...albeit a cidiot.


March 7, 2011

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire.

I would tell you point blank that I am not a liar....but that would be a lie. Everyone lies. At least to some extent. Now that is true.

When you were a kid, you lied so you wouldn't get in trouble. 'I didn't break the vase, Mom!!'

When you were a teen, you lied so the boy would like you or so you could get into the girls pants. 'I love you, I promise!'

When you are an adult, you lie to not hurt feelings. 'No, you don't look fat in that outfit!'

So, let's give the kids & teens a free pass for this blog. Since most of my readers are adults...or older's ok to just focus on THE adults. I think that as an adult, the only lies that should be acceptable are 'white lies'. You know...those innocent, harmless, minor falsities.

'No, you don't look fat.'
'Yes, your makeup looks fabulous.'
'I can't come into work, I don't feel well.'

You really can't say your fat makes you look fat, your face & neck are two different colors & I really just want to lay on the couch eating chips & watching 'Sex in the City' reruns all day. You would love to...but it wouldn't be nice.

The one thing I despise more than anything...even cauliflower...are the adults who lie for no apparent reason. Anyone who knows me knows this is true. I speak the truth..and, yes, sometimes the truth hurts. I'm sorry.....BUT...I'd rather be hurt by the truth than to be hurt by the fact that someone choses to be a deceitful, weak, treacherous, game playing, liar. I guess the reason I hate it so much is because I don't understand the reasoning. I don't understand the why. I don't understand the concept. If there is no point....I mean, if you won't get in trouble, you have no chance of getting laid and nothing at all is expected from you, then why do it?

Is it that you actually and whole heartedly believe the words that are coming out of your mouth at the moment you are saying them? I mean, is that possible? Then when you walk away, you realize that it's not possible? Or...does it make you feel powerful? Successful? Does it inflate your ego? I don't get it. Maybe I'm not supposed to because I choose to be a stand up person. A good person. Someone who actually cares about the people in her life and goes to every extent to not hurt anyone without cause or just. But, meh, that's just me. I choose not to be a liar, liar, pants on fire.

Oh, and PS, great thing about being an adult is that I have the power to choose who I allow into my life and why. Liars are not allowed on 'Team Kelly'....but this guy is.

This leads me to my next thought. Is the ability to choose a good mate & have a successful relationship hereditary? I was talking to my dad yesterday about my colossal relationship faux pas. He told me it must be the ::insert family name::: curse. He said that I must get it from him because he cannot have a successful relationship. Positive way of seeing things but, hey. He just left his woman in the desert so he was a little pissy. Anyway, this statement caused my brain to, of course, over analyze & beat the crap out of it.

Maternal grandmother was married 4 times and was alone. Maternal grandfather was married 2 times. Step grandfather was married 1 time and is alone.
Paternal grandmother was married 1 time and died alone. Paternal grandfather was married 1 time and spent the remainder of his days with another woman.
Mom was married 3 times and is alone. Dad was married 2 times, but has children with 3 different women and is alone.
I was married 1 time and am alone.

Based on the family history, the one thing I decided was that I need to get married 1 more time to break the female chain of marital failure. That way Amanda will only be married 1 time and it will last forever. The other thing I decided was my family is mental. haha!

Here's what my friend, Cheets, told me in response to my recent query: 'You are MORE than capable and deserving of being in a great relationship. It's NOT you fucking them up Kelly. It's your choice of males. They are unable to understand you, support you, love you, honor you and contend with you. Morons!'

Mwah, Cheets, you're right on all accounts.

So, I obviously need to break the pattern...starting now. Especially if I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life AND I want Amanda to live happily ever after in her marriage. haha! As if I'm going to be soley responsible for that. :D What I do know is that I won't be alone forever. For now, yes, I choose to be alone because I'm totes not ready to tackle the relationship road. I have a new life to adapt to. New job, new house, new surroundings, new people, new places. I need time to fully adjust & build a life here with my daughter. I do have my priorities, after all.

Besides, I'm not a relationship hopper. It's not high school where you'd break up with someone on Monday & have a new someone on Tuesday. No. I think there needs to be time in between. Time to regroup...and many life changes & upheavals need.

But...I do miss kissing. Maybe I can kiss a few frogs while adapting. I. Love. Kissing. It's one of my favorite things. My last boyf had a beautiful mouth. He did. Hmmm......yea....maybe I'll keep the kissing option open for now.

Now, enough relationship blah de blah and on to the important life questions....

If you have a hairy mole....why don't you have it removed? Especially if it's smack dab in the middle of your face? I swear...I'm more than certain this moley moley moley causes you much grief. Please, know causes everyone else just as much grief because we can't look away. Unfortunately, not only do I wear my heart on my sleeve, I also wear all of my emotions on my face immediately as I feel them. *sigh* Please, don't make me hurt your feelings or lie to you about not noticing. Go chop it off....

....and make some guacamoley! Teehee!


March 1, 2011

Today, I woke up happy.

Before I left Seattle, I went to my lovebug friend, Melissa’s house for dinner. Her beautiful mom was there & she read my tarot cards. It was funny because she asked me to focus on a question I wanted answered. A question. Any question. As a single woman, I wanted to typically ask ‘When will I find love?! Damn it! True, real, deep, forever, soul crashing love?!’ but that was not the question I asked. I know, amazing, right? People automatically assume that is the one thing that is lacking in my life. I, however, don’t see it that way. I have never been one to partake in flights of romantic fantasy nor have I been dependent on a man to make me happy. I am very good at doing that for myself. So, nope. That wasn’t my need-to-know question. My question was…

‘Am I making the right decision moving to NY?’

One of the things that Sheryl told me was that I would be poor…but happy….and I am both.

I am spoiled, I’m not going to lie. Freaking spoiled. I’ve spent years spoiling myself so it’s ok. I spoiled MYSELF! HA! I am a city girl with only a dash of country. So, adapting to upstate NY has been a struggle. I want Starbucks to be closer. I want the public restrooms to have toilet seat covers. I want there to be a plethora of dining choices. I want 2 bathrooms and a walk in closet. I want a bug man to take care of the creepies for me. I want a monthly massage, pedicure & bikini wax. BUT….I can’t have those things……right now….and I’m still happy. Imagine that! I’ve realized that those are the things that made my life a happy luxury and those are the things I took for granted. I’ll have those things again, I have no doubt, but I deserve to go without for a while so I can get back to the things that truly matter AND learn to appreciate the things that didn’t. All the wonderful life things that I have now & all the wonderful life things that I've always had.

For example:

I am in love with my new house. Love, love, love. It is small, fabulous and wonderful. My landlady is a high powered NYC lawyer who is the bee’s knees, too. She doesn’t normally rent but made an exception for me based on my ex’s request. He’s not an ex, though. I mean, he is, but he doesn’t fall into that category. There needs to be a different category for exes that you are still the best of friends with.

Anyway…back to my house. Landlady is an amazing, single, pet loving lawyer! So, don't eff with me..AND it’s a house!! I won’t be able to afford to spend frivolously and buy things like food…haha…but I’ll have an amazing home. Things here are old. My house in Vegas was built in 1994 and THAT was old. Here shit was built in like the 1800’s..that’s ancient! My new house was built in the 80’s, and to me…it’s old. My landlady had the entire bathroom and kitchen redone. She put in new carpeting and windows. She is really making it beautiful for me and I am so excited. I have a yard, woods, a stream, a fantastic view and a new toilet! Haha!

But zero closet space. Ugh. Time to get creative with my shoe collection.

I am in love with my new job. I have learned new skills that, oddly enough, I rock at. The people are wonderful and I feel so fortunate to have landed this job. I have been here 2 months and not once have I woken up cranky because I have to go to work. That in itself is a miracle. I know this job won't be forever but, for now, it's exactly what I needed.

I am in love with my family. What more can I say? Potlucks, dinners, walking into a store & seeing my sister or my Aunt. It’s comforting and I totally feel the love. My support system has tripled and I am so fortunate to be loved like I am.

I am in love with my friends. Some old friendships have changed and that’s ok. Some new friendships have resulted and that’s better than ok. I laugh daily and what is better than that? Nothing.

I am in love with my daughter’s life. She is doing fantastic things and probably the reason for my coming to NY has to do with her life. Her fate. She has lovely friends, she has a great job and she was the only student at her high school chosen to receive a wonderful opportunity. She will go to college for one week this summer for a program that will look stupendous on her college applications. It’s free and she will earn college credit. I am unbelievably proud of her. Unbelievably happy for her.

I am in love with this area. We see new creatures every day. A family of deer live in my yard. A group of turkeys live down the road. A flock of pheasant live just down the road from the turkeys. Is it a flock? A bunch? A gang?? I can't help but wish they were a flock of seagulls though. That'd be funny! There is also a beaver or woodchuck or platypus..haha…some kind of something lives next door. Every day has some beautiful new site to behold. Spring is coming and that brings lilacs, freshness, new life, flowers and sun. Not the melt your face off Vegas sun. The beautiful life sun. People come out of hiding and they are happy. Yes…this is something for New Yorkers. We are born to be uptight. Haha! Thankfully, not only am I a city girl with a dash of country, I’m also an equal mix of East Coast/West Coast..but that’s another blog.

I know bitchy blogs are the funniest & misery loves company but give me a break. This was a long time coming & I had to fight for the happy to win. So suck it! haha!

Here are some other random things that made me smile today:

:) Aerosmith was playing at Quick Check while I was pumping gas. Made me not notice the price.
:) The fact that his beer left a smiley print on a napkin made someone think of me. xo Jason!
:) Having a bird sing me awake this morning instead of the alarm clock.
:) Adam's Fairacre Farms Lawn & Garden Show is soon!! Flowers!
:) The sun is shining.
:) I have the winning lotto tickets in my purse.
:) My stomach is sore from sit ups. Makes me feel accomplished. haha!
:) The fact that I can plant things in the ground now instead of in a pot.
:) The blueberry bush & lilac I am going to plant in the ground instead of a pot.
:) This song that I've heard 2x today..on my ipod & on my favorite station WDST.

Today, I woke up happy.

And I will not take that for granted.