January 9, 2011

X-Rated

Yea, yea. I'm still bitching about it. This is why I don't usually date. The break up part. Not that I go into a relationship expecting the break up part, but when it does happen..which, let's face it, has been the case thus far otherwise I wouldn't be dating! Anyway, when it does happen, I hate it.

First thing I hate is the 'bad guy' role. We aren't 13 so why does there even need to be a 'good guy/bad guy', 'black hat/white hat', 'hero/villain' scenario? Why can't you man up or woman up, look at the issues and make a logical decision based on right and wrong? Agree to disagree?

Welp, as you can probably guess, I've been x-rated the bad guy, black hat, villain.

::cue in the villainous music:::



Drives. Me. Crazy.

If you are going to ask me to write a list of ALL the things that make me unhappy or angry or things that I don't like....don't be shocked when I do. This villainess may be a lot of things but mostly she is honest & real. Anyone who knows me for 2.5 seconds and has a brain should be aware of that fact. So, don't play the victim when A) I do what you ask and B) I tell the truth. Was it mean? Absolutely. Was it factual? Absolutely. Was it going to hurt? Yes. That's why I sat with you while you read it, asked if you were ok, and communicated with you regarding it. But, let's not forget that I also included a list of things I loved. A list I didn't get to finish because I got sick.

Ironic?

I'd say.

Second thing I can't stand is the name calling. Again...what are we? 13? I am not cold hearted. I have loved more strongly and more deeply than you will ever know. I am compassionate. So much so that I actually worry about you..even when I am so near hating you. I am a bitch though. I won't take anyone's bullshit. I won't tolerate freeloading. I won't allow myself to be mistreated or used. By anyone. I will also not allow myself to be manipulated. I am not mean, I am honest. There is a big difference, sunshine. Big. Huge. Sorry I told the truth instead of stroke your insecure yet oddly arrogant ego. I won't be alone for the rest of my life. Of this I have NO doubt. I will not kill every relationship unless it requires sudden death. I do not mistreat children. I treated yours better than you did. I do not hate children. I parent them and hate the parents who don't. I am better than a crack whore/addict. What the hell this has to do with the price of rice in China is beyond me. Have you seen my life? Oh, wait, no, you haven't. You never even asked about it. I am not a loser. Really? hahaha! Glass houses, goose, glass houses. My disease is not my baggage. My disease is part of who I am that I have little control of. You are not allowed to use this as a fault against me. Doing so makes you a heartless dick. My disease is not a form of abuse to my daughter. My daughter is a more understanding, loving, compassionate & caring young lady because of my disease and how I raised her. You would do well to try & raise women as fantastic as mine is because right now...you are failing. Sad part is....you know you are. My family is just as wonderful & important as yours. Don't you ever make the mistake again of bad mouthing any member of my family. I am not crazy. Or maybe I am but at least I am woman enough to admit my faults, own up to my mistakes, take responsibility and be accountable. I feel good about myself because I am worthy of feeling good about myself. Never again will I allow someone to love me less than I love myself.

I am intelligent..this drove you nuts because you said it like it was an insult all the time. I am a survivor...you hated this, too, because you are barely hanging on. I am brave, I am not lazy, I am not a loser, I am better, I am secure, I am confident, I am a hard worker, I am determined, I am a superb mother, I can take care of myself and my daughter and I will succeed. In every thing I do and in every step I take. It is about me....and my daughter...and our happiness and that's a delight. These are the things that threatened you and how sad is that? These are the things that would have made me proud, hold my head up just a little higher and beam at my good fortune that I was loved by such a creature.

I'm also not going to try and save anyone. My once upon a time BF, Bill, told me that I am always trying to save people. He's right. Right in two things he said because he also said that I was put on this Earth to let everyone know what an asshole they are. haha! I vouche to not try and save anyone next time. I will look for someone who has saved themselves and is an adjusted, responsible, functioning member of society. A Champion, as you said. I will find my Champion...if he doesn't find me first.

I'm sorry your life choices have beaten you down so badly that you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and punched you in the head. That, indeed, is a very sad thing. I'm sorry that you believe your family doesn't love you because I would bet my life that is untrue. I'm sorry that you are so engulfed in negativity that you don't have hope, or promise, or look for the good. I'm sorry that I couldn't save you but you are so far gone that I'm not sure anyone can. Not even yourself because you won't allow yourself to see, open your mind and, most of all, believe. This demolished our future, not me.

PS- I'm not the only one who knows these things about you, any of these things. I'm just the only one who would say them to you. This I promise.

Now, I said I was a lady and would never bad mouth you. I don't see this as bad mouthing, I see this as reality. However, every man's perception is his own reality. I once said I was a realist and was told 'You have too much hope to be a realist.' This absurdity will always make me laugh. I am totally a realist. I can hear the bad about myself and I don't immediately take offense or take on a defensive mode. I look at it, analyze it, view my behavior, make a logical decision based on the facts and if you are correct - I apologize and try to change that behavior. If you are incorrect, I say so. If I'm not sure, I give the benefit of the doubt and keep an eye on that behavior until I know for sure. Everyone can change for the better, everyone has faults. Some people want to improve & better their behaviors, some don't. Whatever. I say hope is a beautiful, powerful & positive thing.

Like me.

*Peace.


PSS - NOW I am done. Door closed.

2 comments:

  1. Bravo, Kelly, Bravo!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Very well said, totally agree.

    ReplyDelete