January 29, 2011

Where Does The Love Go?

That has been a question I keep asking myself over the past few weeks. Of course, after my mind started to get repetitive, demanding answers in it’s typically annoying fashion, I consulted the only thing I knew would have what I was seeking. The all knowing. The Guru. The intellectual god…or goddess. The answer to everything. The computer savvy’s personal Chuck Norris.


Come on, admit it. Google makes us all a little smarter.

I was shocked to see the same question was asked about 513,000,000 times. So it seemed that here was yet another one of life’s great mysteries. Were we all destined to don buffalo sandals, wander days & nights through the desert, on a pilgrimage to find the answers to such mysteries? Perhaps. And, perhaps the heart is something we will never know or understand. But…we all will die trying. Willingly.

Google showed me this question ranging anywhere from songs to quotes to videos. There were people in marriages asking, people newly separated inquiring, people divorced or recently single wondering. It was comforting in an odd, impersonal way, to know that I wasn’t the only one having this question keep them awake at night.

I wasn’t alone. Thank you, Google. Again, thank you for your amazingness.

The next day I was sitting on the couch cursing Time Warner Cable because I should only have 1 remote for 1 TV, not 42 and none of which I know what to do with. Finally, I stumble across an old episode of ‘Sex in the City’ & I engage. I mean, why not? It’s like a comfy pair of socks to those of us with ovaries. Warm, cozy, estrogeny.

Again, I was shocked. I’ve been shocked a lot lately, which is amazing because I rarely am, but anyway. There on the screen was man hands Carrie asking the same exact question: ‘When people fall in love, and then they break up, where does the love go?’

Damn it, Carrie Bradshaw! You are a genius! In matters of fashion AND in matters of the heart.

Love has many faces and is very good at camouflaging itself. It’s true, think about it. Loneliness, hatred, despair, envy, joy, passion, laughter…. So, maybe the love goes into remission or disguises itself as something else…or someone else…in order to heal. I don’t think either of these things are the way it should be. Disguising love as something else is basically an emotional lie. I know my recent ex doesn’t hate me. He is definitely behaving and believing with his entire soul that he does but that’s because I hurt him. Or pointed out the harsh realistic truth. Who knows?

Anyway, I am well aware that anger is a much easier emotion to deal with than sadness, hurt or rejection. But, because I’m a smart tart, I know that this is love’s mask. It’s how he chooses to heal, carry on and make himself feel better. Sad, but true.

I also don’t think a replacement partner is the answer. Love doesn’t transfer. I’ve had a few great loves and each one has been different. Amazing and special in it’s own way but different. The premise is the same, but the love is different. Luckily for me, I still retain 2 of my great loves. We have been friends and will always be. We loved each other and will continue to love each other. But, this is another story.

Can you remain friends with an ex? I absolutely, 100%, say yes. (another blog, another time)

I suppose no one really know where the love goes after a break up. Only you decide and choose. I do know that love will never disappear. It may fade, or like I said, become something else. Whether it becomes a mask or simply wanes, the love remains. Like someone somewhere once said…trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met.

So, don’t. Put your love where I put mine. Nicely tucked away in the corners of my mind.

So, enlighten me and let's dig deeper. Where does your love go?


January 9, 2011


Yea, yea. I'm still bitching about it. This is why I don't usually date. The break up part. Not that I go into a relationship expecting the break up part, but when it does happen..which, let's face it, has been the case thus far otherwise I wouldn't be dating! Anyway, when it does happen, I hate it.

First thing I hate is the 'bad guy' role. We aren't 13 so why does there even need to be a 'good guy/bad guy', 'black hat/white hat', 'hero/villain' scenario? Why can't you man up or woman up, look at the issues and make a logical decision based on right and wrong? Agree to disagree?

Welp, as you can probably guess, I've been x-rated the bad guy, black hat, villain.

::cue in the villainous music:::

Drives. Me. Crazy.

If you are going to ask me to write a list of ALL the things that make me unhappy or angry or things that I don't like....don't be shocked when I do. This villainess may be a lot of things but mostly she is honest & real. Anyone who knows me for 2.5 seconds and has a brain should be aware of that fact. So, don't play the victim when A) I do what you ask and B) I tell the truth. Was it mean? Absolutely. Was it factual? Absolutely. Was it going to hurt? Yes. That's why I sat with you while you read it, asked if you were ok, and communicated with you regarding it. But, let's not forget that I also included a list of things I loved. A list I didn't get to finish because I got sick.


I'd say.

Second thing I can't stand is the name calling. Again...what are we? 13? I am not cold hearted. I have loved more strongly and more deeply than you will ever know. I am compassionate. So much so that I actually worry about you..even when I am so near hating you. I am a bitch though. I won't take anyone's bullshit. I won't tolerate freeloading. I won't allow myself to be mistreated or used. By anyone. I will also not allow myself to be manipulated. I am not mean, I am honest. There is a big difference, sunshine. Big. Huge. Sorry I told the truth instead of stroke your insecure yet oddly arrogant ego. I won't be alone for the rest of my life. Of this I have NO doubt. I will not kill every relationship unless it requires sudden death. I do not mistreat children. I treated yours better than you did. I do not hate children. I parent them and hate the parents who don't. I am better than a crack whore/addict. What the hell this has to do with the price of rice in China is beyond me. Have you seen my life? Oh, wait, no, you haven't. You never even asked about it. I am not a loser. Really? hahaha! Glass houses, goose, glass houses. My disease is not my baggage. My disease is part of who I am that I have little control of. You are not allowed to use this as a fault against me. Doing so makes you a heartless dick. My disease is not a form of abuse to my daughter. My daughter is a more understanding, loving, compassionate & caring young lady because of my disease and how I raised her. You would do well to try & raise women as fantastic as mine is because right now...you are failing. Sad part is....you know you are. My family is just as wonderful & important as yours. Don't you ever make the mistake again of bad mouthing any member of my family. I am not crazy. Or maybe I am but at least I am woman enough to admit my faults, own up to my mistakes, take responsibility and be accountable. I feel good about myself because I am worthy of feeling good about myself. Never again will I allow someone to love me less than I love myself.

I am intelligent..this drove you nuts because you said it like it was an insult all the time. I am a survivor...you hated this, too, because you are barely hanging on. I am brave, I am not lazy, I am not a loser, I am better, I am secure, I am confident, I am a hard worker, I am determined, I am a superb mother, I can take care of myself and my daughter and I will succeed. In every thing I do and in every step I take. It is about me....and my daughter...and our happiness and that's a delight. These are the things that threatened you and how sad is that? These are the things that would have made me proud, hold my head up just a little higher and beam at my good fortune that I was loved by such a creature.

I'm also not going to try and save anyone. My once upon a time BF, Bill, told me that I am always trying to save people. He's right. Right in two things he said because he also said that I was put on this Earth to let everyone know what an asshole they are. haha! I vouche to not try and save anyone next time. I will look for someone who has saved themselves and is an adjusted, responsible, functioning member of society. A Champion, as you said. I will find my Champion...if he doesn't find me first.

I'm sorry your life choices have beaten you down so badly that you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and punched you in the head. That, indeed, is a very sad thing. I'm sorry that you believe your family doesn't love you because I would bet my life that is untrue. I'm sorry that you are so engulfed in negativity that you don't have hope, or promise, or look for the good. I'm sorry that I couldn't save you but you are so far gone that I'm not sure anyone can. Not even yourself because you won't allow yourself to see, open your mind and, most of all, believe. This demolished our future, not me.

PS- I'm not the only one who knows these things about you, any of these things. I'm just the only one who would say them to you. This I promise.

Now, I said I was a lady and would never bad mouth you. I don't see this as bad mouthing, I see this as reality. However, every man's perception is his own reality. I once said I was a realist and was told 'You have too much hope to be a realist.' This absurdity will always make me laugh. I am totally a realist. I can hear the bad about myself and I don't immediately take offense or take on a defensive mode. I look at it, analyze it, view my behavior, make a logical decision based on the facts and if you are correct - I apologize and try to change that behavior. If you are incorrect, I say so. If I'm not sure, I give the benefit of the doubt and keep an eye on that behavior until I know for sure. Everyone can change for the better, everyone has faults. Some people want to improve & better their behaviors, some don't. Whatever. I say hope is a beautiful, powerful & positive thing.

Like me.


PSS - NOW I am done. Door closed.

January 1, 2011

Hello, 2011.

This year I have decided not to make any New Year Resolutions. I know this sort of breaks the ‘typical’ rule of engaging in new beginnings but I’m a wild cat like that. I thought that I would save my self some disappointment & guilt. I think I get enough of that without setting unrealistic goals and unachievable dreams. So, this year, I didn’t resolute.

This year I also didn’t make the traditional family black-eyed peas with a lucky coin in them. My Ma used to make this delight *cough cough* every New Years Day…like clockwork. It was one of those things you knew you could count on. Like…knowing the jelly from a jelly donut will shoot out at some point or like knowing the roof of your mouth will be sore after monging a bowl of Captain Crunch. Ma would make, serve & tell you it was bad luck if you didn’t eat some. Black-eyed peas taste like ass. But, I would suffer through in hopes that luck would find me. The coin was an extra dash of luck. Whomever was lucky enough to procure the coin in their bowl of peas would be extra lucky…wooohoooo! So, I thumbed my nose at tradition twice. Yes…I did.

We’ll see what being a New Year rebel will bring. It most certainly will not compare to the nightmare of 2010. I’m also not going to woe is blog about the crap year I’ve had. Anyone who knows me knows it had been one of the worst. 2010 kissed ass. 2011 will kick it. I’m determined to make it so.

2010 had some pretty fabu high points though. I was a bridesmaid, my house sold quickly, I got out of Vegas, I adventured in Seattle, I wandered across the US and I spent the holidays with my family. Pretty amazing stuff. While it didn’t quite add up to the amount of bullshit that happened, it certainly helped ward off the suicidal tendencies.


I’m too arrogant to be suicidal.

I did learn that I am a wonder. I totally surprised myself. I am braver than I thought. Smarter than I thought. I love stronger than I knew. I tolerate more than I expected. I can carry a pretty heavy load on my shoulders & continue walking. I can smile through my tears. I have hope that doesn’t falter. I don’t give up.

For that, I thank 2010. I almost forgive you for making me lose myself but not quite. You still are a whore. So there.

42 was meant to be my year! Remember?! The answer to everything! Fabu 42! MY YEAR!! Well, I still have time….& 2011 to make it so. I’m ready….SO ready! Onwards & upwards universe. Let’s do this thing!


Here I go again, skipping chapters, you know what would be a really awesome job? Picking out the music for movies. I would love that job. I’d also love to be the person who named Crayon colors. That’d be super fun, too. I need something super fun…and super creative. Guess I’ll have to wait until I hit that Mega Millions jackpot. It’s gonna happen. I have no doubt. It’s gonna happen soon, too. Yessireebob.

OH!! Wait…another chapter!! You know what drives me IN-EFFING-SANE!! People who don’t take responsibility or are accountable for their actions. My BFF, Bill, who is no longer my BFF but whatevs. He once said to me that I was put on this Earth to let everyone know what an asshole they are. I think he’s right. I was. Now, I know when I’m being an asshole. I know when I’m being a bitch. I know when I make a mistake or when I’m wrong. If I don’t, I certainly listen to the person explain my faults and I do one of three things. Agree & understand. Try to fix said fault. Disagree & leave it be. What drives me nuts is those who do not see/admit/acknowledge the error of their ways. Really? Is this stupidity, blindness or immaturity? Or a combination of those things and more. I don’t know. Anyway…this is another chapter for another blog. Stay tuned.

So, I’m back. I’m dusting off the old Kelly for the New Year. Granted she’s slightly bruised and beaten but she’s also a little more spectacular. Sorry for the extended hiatus but I got a little lost…..and that’s all I have to say about that.

Hope you had a wondrous New Year. Hope 2011 is the bee’s knees for us all. I hope this year lacks disappointments and exceeds in joyous laughter. Most of all just be happy. That’s the most important thing, I think. The most precious.