July 27, 2010

Breaking Point

I don't reach my breaking point often.

I was a child that was faced with a lot of emotional stress. A lot of change. A lot of trauma. A lot of discord. I was happy in spite of it. Even then, I refused to let anything bad be the cause of my downfall.

I evolved into a woman that has mounds of hope. My hope is almost endless. I believe good things will happen. I believe in laughing in the face of strife. I believe in being as strong as you possibly can because only you have to power to let yourself down. I believe I am deserving and I believe I am capable. I believe I can do anything. My dreams are endless, my passion for life is bountiful and my determination is steadfast.

I fight and I fight hard..but you'll never know that.

Today is one of those days that I'm not winning the fight.

Today, I have reached my breaking point.

I am in that 'poor me' moment. I loathe those moments. I feel broken and defeated. My confidence has been tilted and my hope has been bruised. It's not in my nature to give up, however, I have certainly entertained the thought.

I feel so unaccomplished even though I know I'm not. I had the power and the plucky nerve to change my stars. I always have. Most recently...unabashed, I went headfirst in a Penske toward my dream and I changed everything. I should feel so proud and so wonderful! I should be puffed up like a peacock strutting my ass all over Seattle.

Some days...I do...

Not today. Today I'm more like an ostrich. For what seems like the 100th time, I received a rejection email. The crushing of my soul came in the form of a mass produced impersonal email. Gawd, really? This is why I don't date! I can only take so much rejection! Even if I'm the one doing the rejecting, I feel horrible. Is this what it takes? To feel completely awful and to have your self esteem kicked in the vagina? I don't know.

Do you fall hard before you're picked up? Do you exhaust every possible option before you give up? Do you keep plucking away and harden yourself to the results? I don't know that either.

Don't get me wrong. I love not working! I do! Who wouldn't love to have all the time in the world to do whatever they please? To answer to no one. To be responsible to only yourself. To have the world at your feet and the leisure to walk slowly.

I also love Seattle! The most amazing city and area that I have ever had the pleasure of living in. Granted, I've only lived in NY, FL, TX and NV so that really doesn't give me the right to partake in a grand comparison. But, I think Seattle is amazing and I can see myself being a lifer.

What I don't love is that the freedom of unemployment comes with some pretty tight restraints and difficult boundaries. The first being my disease. I fucking hate Diabetes today. I'm not a fan of it any day, really, but it's something I do. You brush your teeth every day. So do I, but I also check my blood sugar, count carbs, shoot up, don't exercise too much, eat, blah blah blah. It's just another life thing. Well, no job means no benefits. No benefits means no medicine. No medicine means death. This scares the shit out of me.

I do not show Diabetes my fear. I will not give it the satisfaction. I know it will be the death of me. I know my body will slowly destroy itself. Keyword...slowly. I have worked so diligently at getting myself to a spot where everything disease related is as perfect as it can get. Everything I do, every move I make, is so that I live as long as I can, in spite of the fact that I have a chronic disease. Without benefits, I falter, I fail, I risk losing everything I worked so hard to accomplish. A model Diabetic who my Dr. would brag about...may not be so model soon. Without benefits....how will I survive?

Many think spiders are my greatest fear but really it's a Diabetes. I just don't talk about it in terms of losing a limb or worse..my life.

No job means no money. My daughter turns 16 next month. I had told her that I would take her to NYC for her birthday. It literally breaks my heart and hurts so deeply inside my stomach that I can't breathe. It's crippling. I can't. I can't give her anything because I don't have anything to give. Here is where the tears turn into gut wrenching pain. I sob. I had a plan. NYC and a car. I had a plan and I don't like it when plans change. I don't like to be unable to do what I want, when I want, how I want.

I'm a spoiled only child, for fuck sake.

Not only does Amanda turn 16, she is starting a new school in September. No school clothes for her. That's wonderful. Especially considering her jeans are too tight and too short. Great. Wonderful. Makes me feel super accomplished as a mother. Yea.

What I do know is that I am a good person. I can do any job and I can do it well. I won a trip to Oahu for being a great freaking employee!! How can I not get a chance? How can I not even be considered for a job at Starbucks? I don't understand. I've walked into Starbucks and seen the baristas screw up my drink as I'm ordering. I've seen baristas passing out free drinks that they have messed up. I've seen snotty & rude baristas. I've seen dingbat baristas. I am none of those things. And, yes, people make mistakes but jaysus cripes, you won't even consider me for a part time barista position? Why? WHY?!

I don't know why because I'll never be able to ask.

So, I'm having a moment. I've reached my breaking point..which is not pretty, by the way. My daughter just woke up and saw my moment. Good, I guess, because she should know life isn't all sunshine & rainbows. Bad, I guess, because I'm all she has and I'm supposed to be strong and confident. I'm supposed to take care of her. How can I take care of her if I can't take care of myself? How am I supposed to do any when I'm slumped over my desk crying?

I need a hug.

And a rich husband.

And..most of all....a job.


July 17, 2010

Don't Judge Me

I love people who say 'I don't judge people.' Yes, you do. Stop lying. We ALL do! I don't care who you are....you judge. Every single person on the planet judges people based on what their perception is. I do....and I swear to gawd, I will punch you in the gonads if you still deny that you don't.

I was walking on Market street the other day and saw an elderly lady all bundled up wearing what looked liked everything she owned. I turned to Amanda and said 'Awww...she's homeless.' We continued to the bank and on the jaunt back, I see the lady sitting at Tully's, sipping a latte, eating a pastry & playing cards with another bundled up person. Maybe they aren't homeless. Maybe they were. Who knows? I didn't stop to ask but I did judge. The same way I judged the dude that stops in front of my apartment to take pictures of the road or light a cigarette. He is blonde, has dreadlocks, a beard and a guitar slung on his back. Is he homeless? A street performer? A tortured artist? I don't know. He's probably an IT specialist making $200k a year. That's the thing....I don't know and I judge....for no apparent reason.

Everyone also judges people they know. Again...stop lying...I'll still punch you in the gonads. Don't tempt me. Ok, ok, I'll be the first to admit it. I judge people I know. 'Oooh, she must be loving the ice cream a little too much lately. Have you seen the size of her ass?' 'Ooooh, does she realize she looks like an old Jewish lady in that outfit?' 'Ooooooh, he is probably dating her because of those fake boobs. There's no way she has a brain.' 'Ooooooooh, I bet they're having marriage trouble. Look at them trying to escape one another.' Granted, none of it is said in a hurtful manner....more of a 'know it all' manner. haha!

This game is really fun in the mall or the airport. I like to make up stories about strangers. It entertains my mind. I don't know if it's being judgmental or if it's just placing people into the little categories you've set up for them because it makes you feel comfortable. What's bad about judging is when it's hurtful or it becomes based on rage. That's when racism, segregation, anger and hatred take form. However, that's a completely different blog. I don't hate people. Well, some people, but they totally deserve it! I'm also a big enough person to know when I've judged someone incorrectly. I did that to one of my dearest friends. I was wrong, so wrong, admitted it and love her the more for it.

Anyway, I'm not trying to lecture, I was just thinking about it one day. We all judge. I even judge myself. I haven't showered in 2 days, considered staying in bed all day and have been watching so much reality TV that I think my head might implode.That makes me a typical, lazy, unemployed fat ass living off the tax payers dollar. Yep. That's me. Actually, I'm wrong about myself, too. haha! I've worked harder while unemployed than I ever worked while employed. How sad is that?!

Alright, I'm done doing the blah de blah about judging. Leave me alone whilst I sit here and judge the crap out of you for a moment.








Teehe! Ok, I'm finished.

For now. ;p

ATTENTION PEOPLE WHO WRITE IN ALL CAPS! All caps mean you are either YELLING!!!! at someone or STRONGLY EMPHASIZING!!!! a statement. ALL CAPS is not how one should type on a day to day basis. Unless you are married to a deaf person, work at a circus, are a carnie, OR are constantly surrounded by 100 out of control 5 year olds, you are NOT ALWAYS YELLING!!!! Whenever I log on to whatever social networking site of the moment and see someone writing their status in ALL CAPS, I want to punch them in the gonads. Seriously, dolls, knock it off.

Here...let me help....look down at your keyboard. Now look at the buttons, ok, not buttons...keys, ok, not keys..the little things you push with your fingers when YOU ARE YELLING! Look on the left....leefffftt. Ooooh! You've got it! See the one with the bright light shining? The only one with a light? It's probably green? Yes..that one..there you go. It says 'caps lock'...but not in ALL CAPS. Push it. That's right. There...you did it. Congratulations. Your annoyance factor went down slightly. SLIGHTLY!

Speaking of Facebook, if I would have gotten poked that much in college, I would have never gotten my Doctorate. Oh...wait.....

HEY! One more thing, I wonder if the Pillsbury Dough Boy gets poked on Facebook? That's rich!


July 14, 2010

Best Friend Breakup

Friendships rarely begin with the idea that they may end. Relationships, yes, definitely. Friendships, no, not so much. Case in point, I have had the same best friend for 30 years. Yes, we have fought. Yes, we have stopped speaking. Yes, we survived life's ups & downs loving each other all the way. I am a friend keeper. People think that I have a ton of BFF's but honestly, I only have a handful. I have friends, sure, but only a few get over the wall.

Unfortunately, throughout my life, one or two that had made it over the wall, had to be tossed back over.

Breaking up is hard to do and friendships are no exception. Women need friendships. We invest more in friendships. We thrive with healthy friendships. We need strong bonds to talk about feelings, bitch about issues, laugh over life. My best friends and I would call it 'Wine & Whine'. We'd get together with a bottle of wine...or two....and laugh or cry our way through what was in our hearts. At the end of the night, everything was alright.

Breaking up with boyfriends isn't easy but we tend to think that it was 'them' not 'us'. Breaking up with friends is worse because we tend to think it was us..'what did I do wrong?' Sometimes we never know the answer. No relationship is perfect and no relationship has a guarantee. So, why, when a friendship ends do we feel like we failed at one of the greatest things we are meant to succeed at? Then I remember the season poem..... Reason, Season, Lifetime ....and realize this is all part of living a full life.

Friendships usually fail for 3 basic reasons; misunderstanding, betrayal or neglect. There isn't one woman on the planet who cannot say a friendship hasn't ended due to one of those reasons. In fact, my most recent EBFF (ex bff) became so due to a misunderstanding. Well, it started as a misunderstanding and ended quite differently, with a lack of caring. *sigh* No need for details, just the fact that it has ended, is enough. However, now that it has ended, I see things that I either didn't see before or just overlooked because of love. Things that make me a better person not being surrounded by. However, because I like to live in my happy place, I will treasure the moments full of laughter and ignore the rest.

I was once accused of having 'high expectations' of my friends. While, my first instinct was to deny & argue that fact, I paused and thought....'Yes! Why shouldn't I? If I had low expectations of my friends, then why have them?' I do have high expectations of my friends. My friends are my family. Plain and simple. I think this is because I was adopted, come from an odd, broken family & while I love them, I've never quite belonged. I belong in my friendships. They are chosen, I am chosen and every flaw is loved. I expect honesty, love, support, guidance, laughter, caring and understanding. A soul refuge. I expect the same level of respect that I bestow onto them and I expect them to expect the same from me.

Trust is HUGE for me. So, when my trust is given (which isn't often), and it gets broken (which also isn't often), I find it very difficult to repair no matter how much I love that person. Many times it never gets repaired and the wall gets built. That's the way trust is with many people, I think. I forgive but I put the offender on sort of a 'probation'. If they continue to hurt, disappoint &/or behave badly, then I know it's time to break up.

I break up with people for the reasons I've listed above but also when they have become 'Energy Vampires'.

Energy Vampires are those friends who, after spending some time with them, you walk away feeling exhausted, emotionally drained and upset. Friends aren't supposed to make you feel badly about yourself. They also aren't supposed to be pretentious narcissists who thinks life revolves around them and only talk about themselves. You tend to leave wondering why you went, you avoid their phone calls and all you can do is bitch about the night you've just had. These toxic people suck the life right out of you. They bring you down to a level you shouldn't be in and most certainly don't belong in. If you want to be a selfish, uncaring bitch than be one by yourself and own it. Just don't be surprised when people don't want to hang out with you and try to avoid you.

Best friend breakups can prove to be some of the worst break ups of your life. Don't let it get you down. Mourn and move on. There are other friendships to be made and current friendships to be treasured. I've always known my core to be the most amazing group of individuals ever. I wouldn't have it any other way. So, to each of you - you know who you are - thank you for being amazing. Through good times, through the recent bad, you've made my life a much richer place to be and how lucky am I? I know things will change & new friendships will be made. Life has a way of doing that. But I will always be your friend and cherish you exactly as you are. Lurve.

If you are going through a best friend breakup, know that you are not alone. Check out this book....Best Friends Forever...to help you through this painful event. You will survive and, who knows, you may make better friendships.

Friendships are relationships of choice...so choose wisely.


July 5, 2010

New Yorker-Las Vegan-Seattleite.

This morning, as I'm sitting at my kitchen table, sipping cawfee & watching the neighbors cheerful dawg bounce around the lawn, I sigh. And, in that moment, I realized that I am absolutely and irrevocably happy.

I mean, things could be better, in terms of necessities. For example, I could get hired to one of the 60+ jobs I've applied to and have fabu benefits. But, who has a perfect life? haha!

I'm a New Yorker. Always have been, always will be. Moving to Las Vegas was equally the worst and the best thing I could have ever done. Worst because for 18 long years, I have loathed Vegas. Seriously. Loathe. That's a long time to hate something and stick with it. Best because I had great jobs, great friends, purchased a home and gave birth to the most amazing person I've ever known. Had I stayed in New York, those things may not have happened. I cannot and never will wish I hadn't gone to Vegas. There are times when I start entertaining the thought that I should have stayed in NY and lived the life I envision in my head, but then I stop. My life is not about regret.

I have been a Seattleite for 3 weeks. That's it. 3 weeks. While it has only been a short time, I can say, honestly and wholeheartedly, that I will never regret the decision to move here.

Why I Love Seattle

*It's green. Obviously. It's so beautiful that it takes my breathe away.
*People don't care what you drive, how much you make, what you do, how big your house is or who you know. All they care about is who you are.
*It's a city with a small town feel.
*Festivals, festivals everywhere! Almost every weekend there is something fabulous to do in one of the neighborhoods.

Ballard's Seafood Festival. This weekend, as a matter of fact. Yum!

*If there isn't a festival, there is the ocean, the forest, the farmers markets, the lakes, the hiking, the mountains, the shopping, the beach, the coffee, there is always something to do. Always.
*The Center of the Universe. Fremont. It's my PNW Woodstock with a troll!

Yet another quirky delight!

*People are pet lovers. I have met more dawgs than I have people.
*People walk everywhere. Or they ride their bikes. I love that I can walk 6 blocks to Market Street, buy a book, grab a cawfee & a cupcake and just be.
*Drawbridges & ferry's.
*Arts & culture. Theaters, outdoor plays, Bumbershoot, museums, an aquarium AND a zoo!

We see these murals everywhere. They are like a happy surprise. Much better than seeing graffiti. This one is in Ballard.

*Mariners or Seahawks.
*Unique stores & their fun names.
*Environmentally conscious. Want to get the Seattle stink eye? Don't recycle or show up in a Hummer.
*People are truly intelligent. They don't pretend to be & they don't use it as a weapon to make you feel inferior.

*The houses are delightful.
*Flowers! I can walk outside my door & pick fresh daisies.
*Healthcare & schooling. Among the top in the nation.

In 3 weeks, I've noticed quite a lot but not everything. I honestly cannot wait to see what else the PNW has in store for me. Even if it's nothing, Washington is everything I had hoped it to be. Before moving here, I asked everyone I knew who had lived in or visited Seattle, what their opinion of it was. No one had anything negative to say. Being the cynical creature I am, I didn't believe them.

Now....I do.