I should be happy. Shouldn’t I? For over a month I have known that my position was going to be eliminated. Today, I found it was. However, the end result was in no way, shape or form what I had envisioned.
Things I knew for certain were that I was doomed. Like I said, I knew my position was on the chopping block. That I would be given the option of working until June or leaving immediately with pay & benefits until June. Der. I was leaving immediately. Who would stay? That’s just retarded. I also knew that I would be handed a pink slip anywhere between the 7th and 15th.
So, I made plans. I’m a planner. It’s what I do. I went to visit Seattle, my destination of choice. I applied to several jobs in the area. I started packing my desk and putting my computer files on disk. I researched schools, storage, homes, and neighborhoods. I knew what I was going to do with my house. I knew that I had 2 months to pack, make travel arrangements, buy health insurance, get a job and say my goodbyes. I let everyone know that I had a plan but I was just waiting for confirmation. Even my ex-husband knew the plan and was ok with my moving our daughter out of state. I had all of my ducks in a row, sans a couple of ducks. A couple of rogue ducks.
My only concerns were having health insurance and getting rid of my house in this market. I was still trying to wrap my brain around messing up my credit for a short sale or foreclosure. But those concerns weren’t enough to dull the idea that I was finally, FINALLY getting out of Las Vegas! I was headed to greener pastures, literally! I was nervous and scared but I was ready to partake in ‘K & A’s Big Adventure’. I knew that I was going to struggle a bit but I also knew that I would be ok. In fact, even better.
Today was doomsday for 204 employees and only 15 were reassigned. I got the call at about 10:55a. I was calm and ready to go. I walked in to where my Supervisor and an HR rep sat. I shook hands, sat down and said with a grin ‘I was waiting for you.’ I was told my position was being eliminated. I apologized for not being more emotional but that I had known and was ok with the decision. I was then told that I was being reassigned to another department. Whoa. I heard brakes screeching, it was then that I started shaking and my heartbeat increased. I said ‘Excuse me?’ I was then walked through the steps for reassignment based on their management rights.
15 out of 204. I wish I were that lucky at Megabucks. I walked away in shock knowing that someone would be out of a job because of me. That I had a plan and maybe she didn’t. I immediately had survivor guilt. I watched my plan slip into the background, my dream fade slightly, my vision paused. I should be happy because my salary remains the same. My title, benefits, vacation and retirement , stay the same. Only my duties, co-workers and boss would be different. Those were all wonderful things. How dare I be ambivalent when the lives of 204 employees have just been rocked? Hard. By no fault of their own.
So, here I sit riddled with guilt, regret, relief, gratefulness, sadness and joy. I keep trying to tell myself that the Universe just isn’t ready for me to go down that path yet. Yet. That maybe that path will beckon when the market is better, when I have a job to go to, when all of my ducks are in a row. Every single one of them.
In the meantime, I’ll just be hopeful that this new position will be a better fit for me. Maybe I won’t loathe coming to work every morning or try to think of reasons to call in sick every time my alarm goes off. That everything will be ok, that the people will be human and that I will learn new things. I have to think of this as an opportunity not as another rock in my path.
This, perhaps, is the prelude to ‘K & A’s Big Adventure’ and that's just ducky.