March 4, 2010

The Wardrobe.

I have gained so much weight that I can no longer fit into any of my jeans. How sad is that?! I’m a fatty! But, I still look better running around in leggings and sweats than most people look on any given day. Sadly, that is a true story. For example, a day here in Vegas looks a lot like the People of Walmart website. You would think that Vegas wouldn’t be high on the offending fashion faux pas list, but….oh, man…you would be incorrect, my friends.

First stop….local high schools. Teenage boys aren’t known to be fashion forward in the first place but do they really need to be fashion behind? No one, I repeat, no one wants to see your crack or your boxers, son. That dude who sang ‘Pants on the Ground’ really knew what he was talking about. If the boys aren’t sagging, they are wearing skinny jeans as if they are in a band. Sigh.

Next stop….the mall. Sweetie, this is not circa 1983, you are not 16 and you are not in a glam hair band. This is more about makeup than wardrobe but the two should really go together. Put the blue eye shadow and matchy blue shirt away. Buy yourself a color wheel and start over. Stop over plucking those brows. Rub your foundation in because you should all be one color. Your face should never be brown and your neck white. Blend, blend, blend. Don’t even get me started on lip liner. Do you have a mirror at home? Do you know that the 80’s are over? Do you know you look like an ass?

Last stop…the Strip. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas! At least long enough for us to get tons of laughter at your expense. Just being in Vegas does not mean you should squeeze your size 12 ass into a size 6 jean. You should know better. I do not need to see camel toe or muffin top at every turn. Nor do I want to see your vag peeking out from under your so called skirt. I have a vag. I can go home & look at my own. Thank you very much. Also, leave the spandex, feathers and glitter in the trash store for all the prostitutes. The Chicken Ranch ho’s thank you.

Fashion faux pas are not elusive mystical things that no one is aware of or no one has seen. I’m not saying you need to follow the beat of everyone’s drum but you should at least hear the music. You know what you like, you should know what suits you and you should know what you look good in. Again, every home has a mirror. Look in it on occasion and actually SEE.

My humble advice is to keep things simple. Too much jewelry makes you look cheap. Too much makeup makes you look tacky. Just ask Tammy Faye Baker. Too tight clothing makes you look heavier. Too many sequins, sparkles and crap makes you look like a glimmering disaster. Not dressing your age just makes you look sad. Cheap self tanner makes you look like an orange. Wearing clothing that doesn’t fit or is the wrong size makes you look like you are waiting for a flood or confused. Having your hair color resemble something that has sat out in the rain for 40 days and 40 nights is a bad thing. Having a hair color that has stripped your hair of all its luster and beauty is also a bad thing. If you are dead set on sporting alien like platinum blond, or any other color that is not your own, make sure your eyebrows match and your roots are taken care of. The drapes do not necessarily need to match the carpet..unless you’re wearing a skirt that shows your vag.

Sigh. Come on!! This is not rocket science!

The better you look, the better you feel. I dress how I feel. If I am sick, I’m in black, shuffling around in flats, hair in a pony. I don’t care. I don’t feel well. If I’m feeling sassy, I throw on my heels & stick a flower in my hair. I’m not saying to be a robot in terms of dressing. Just use your common sense. People notice the way you look and so should you.

Oh, and ladies, if your friends feel the need to call Clinton Kelly and report you, please don’t be offended. They are seriously just trying to save you from yourself. Avoiding fashion mistakes doesn’t mean spending thousands at the latest & greatest store. I buy clothes at Target & Walmart that are affordable and adorable. It’s the way you present your fashion finds that matters.

Know yourself. Know your body. Know what looks good. Know what doesn't. If you don't or can't, ask someone. I'm sure they'd love to help rather than walk around with a hawt mess fashion disaster.


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