March 9, 2010

Oscars, Copycats & Blue Gum

‘Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.’

No, no, it’s not. That’s bullshit. Does anyone truly & honestly feel that this statement rings true?

I am certainly not flattered when someone copies something I wear, do or say. Especially the say part. My mind, my creativity and my thoughts are mine. My wording, my phrasing and my delivery are mine. Mine. Not yours. As a writer, I get very offended, in a plagiaristic type manner, when someone mimics what I say or write. If you're going to steal, at least give me credit, for cripes sake.

Sometimes imitation is an insult. The only cute form of imitation was when my daughter was 5. She put on my heels, grabbed my purse, furrowed her brow and was sheer perfection. That was adorable. Anything else is not. It makes me wonder…if I am supposed to be flattered by being copied….what does this say about the copier? Umm…that you are an unoriginal clone? Henceforth, you shall be known as Xerox.

I would like to take this moment to thank all the colored gum chewers of the world. Thank you for choosing color because when you spit it on the ground like a truck driver, at least I can see it. I can then avoid stepping into it with my sassy heels and having my day ruined. Colored gum chewers rock!

Did you ever have one of those awkward moments with someone who has no sense of humor? How do those people survive? I really have no idea. Humorless bastards. I was in the bathroom with a co-worker. She was washing her hands & I was peeing. Ok? Peeing! Don't talk to me! She's all blah de blah and I'm responding awkwardly. Then she says 'I just want to kill people today.' I reply 'I've got some people you can add to your list.' :::crickets::: I wipe and wonder if she is still there because I didn't hear the door. She finally says 'Oh.' and emits a sad little obligatory laugh. Are you kidding? That was funny!! Stop talking to me while I'm in the stall. Jaysus.

Of course, I watched the Oscars on Sunday, at least until ‘The Amazing Race’ came on. I’m not missing Phil.

Of course, I have a few fashion comments & questions to make & ask, as well as a few snark.

Take one, scene one, ACTION!

*Why do young women try to look older while old women try to look younger, Miley Cyrus?
*Molly…dear, sweet, innocent, Molly. Enough with the botox, needles & plastic. Enough.
*We all know J-Blo has a huge ass. Is it necessary for her to ALWAYS show it?
*Sandra Bullock is amazing. She rocked the vintage glam like no other. I puffy heart her.
*Did anyone see the flowers that were trying to eat Charlize Theron’s boobs? If not, here you go.

*How bored was Clooney’s broad? Really? You’re at the Oscars! In a fabu dress! With George Clooney!! Smile! Bitch.
*SJP, oh, SJP. What the hell happened to your hair? Even Chanel couldn’t fix you. Next time try Andeen. She’d have done you right.
*Cameron looked amazing in that dress. I wish she would stay out of the sun though. She looked gold and old.
*Mariah should dress like the plus sized woman she is and stop fooling herself.
*Did Kathy Ireland star in I, Robot? Weird body language, lady, weird and creepy.

*I loved Robert Downey Jr’s mega tie. But, I love Robert Downey Jr, so who cares what he’s wearing.
*Could they have hired a more awkward interviewer? That George guy was ridick.
*Gaborey, Gaboure, Gabby, what’s her name is like a breathe of fresh air in Hollywood. I wish I knew her name.
*Gerard Butler & Bradley Cooper? Together? They can present to me anytime. Double delish yum!
*Queen Latifah is gorgeous. Who said skinny was hot? Not me.
*Rachel McAdams, another gorgeous woman. Except she’s skinny. She didn't look happy either. But she's still hot.
*The memorial montage was a little lacking. Farrah & Bea were in the graves saying ‘What the hell just happened? Did we get dissed?’

~I know I'm not the Oscars & I don't have a mic or video but here is my tibute. Thanks, Bea, for being so saucy in every roll I've seen you in. When I grow up, I want to be Maude and Dorothy combined. Plus, GG had a kick ass theme song. Thanks, Farrah, for being the Angel I always got to be when playing CA with my friends. Even though my name is Kelly. You were the beautiful one. I'm glad you burnt that bed. Bastard deserved it. I'm also glad you brought domestic violence to light and provided help to those who were being abused. For that alone, you rock.

Lastly, John Hughes. Every child of the 80’s new and loved his films. I still quote them & watch them religiously. His movies made us who we are, helped us through tough times, let us know everything we were experiencing was ok and that we weren’t total outer limits. Even children today, who are not products of the 80’s, adore his movies. I got teary eyed watching the tribute. I’m not gonna lie. In a time when no one understands you, those wretched, wonderful teenage years, John Hughes understood each & everyone one of us. Elisa made me start laughing again when she said ‘The Brat Pack looks more like the Rat Pack now.’ Haha! That's FUNNY! Bathroom girl wouldn't have gotten it though. Sigh.

"We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all." ~Andrew, The Breakfast Club


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