March 23, 2010

The I's Have It

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I wish my life had sound effects and epic theme music. I find myself making my own sound effects constantly. If I’m typing…I write my sound effects like *gag* *der* *meh*. I think the world needs more fun sound effects.

My epic theme music typically only plays in my head because I can't sing. But it’s still amazing. *tadah*

I also wish I could make up & use my own words without sounding illiterate or ignorant. Un-words like…fabulosity, fabu, douchebaggery, lurve, shitacious, shiz, craptacular, adorkable. I like to say them because they make me giggle and feel clever. *teehee*

I just Googled 'shitacious' for an image and my blog logo was the first one to show. Excellent! *bam!*

I always say ‘mmmmm’ before I say ‘bye’. Why is that? I just noticed it today while at work. My phone answering thing sort of goes like this:

‘Thank you for calling the **protectingtheinnocent** office, this is Kelly.’
‘Hi, Kelly. Blah de blah blah de blah blah blah blah.’
‘Blah de blah is in a meeting at the moment but I’d be more than happy to leave a message.’
‘Excellent. Thanks. I’m Blah and my number is blah.’
‘Ok, I will leave him the message.’
‘Thank you, Kelly. Bye.’

What the hell? Why can’t I just say ‘Bye’? I wonder if this has anything to do with my sound effects. *hmmmm*

I sometimes wonder if people change or if the way I see them changes. If it’s people, why couldn’t the change be good one? If it’s me, why did it take me so long to see the crappy? Eh, welp, life goes on. Luckily for me, whenever I clear my life of the toxic, only the wonderful remain. As for me…and Ghandi….I will be the change I want to see in the world….and not a douche. *psh*

I just got an email from Southwest Air saying ‘Kelly, your trip is around the corner.’ I am SO excited about my Washington trip. I can’t even put into words how excited I am! I’m literally bursting with joy. I love leaving Las Vegas. I especially love it when I’m going somewhere fabu. *yay!*

On the agenda: Washington. Pink Slip. Disneyland. It’s what’s for dinner. *yum*


March 17, 2010

Proms, RSVP’s & Handsome Men

This has been one helluva week. My daughter was asked to the Prom while she was at work on Saturday. Her little boyfriend made a 'Will you go to the prom with me?' sign & brought her flowers. It was very cute….and very disturbing. There comes a point in a parent’s life when they scream ‘Bloody fecking hell!!!!’ at the top of their lungs. This was my time.

A time of scary teenage flashbacks and random statistics.

I won't even get into the scary flashbacks. Let's just say, lack of parenting and zero boundaries resulted in a wild blonde maniac. Moving on to statistics.

*46% of girls and 67% of boys say they will most likely have sex on prom night. Ugh.
*63% will drink and 22% will get ‘smashed’. Great.
*50% of all accidents on prom night are due to drunk driving. Wonderful.
*90% of all crime related incidents are due to drug and alcohol consumption. Oy.
*98% of all teens make bad choices. Haha! I made that one up.

Amanda is a Sophomore, her boyfriend is a Junior. Amanda is not allowed to date. Amanda has a curfew. One hour above her grade which means her curfew is 11pm. I don’t care what ‘the other kids’ are doing. I don’t care how they are being parented. Most parents give more of a crap about themselves then they do about raising their children well. I am not one of those parents.

After some serious deliberation, verbal warfare with myself, internal hellfire & a family meeting, I decided to let her go….with ground rules. I extended her curfew by an hour. I want the names & numbers of the entire group. I want the agenda. I will wait up for her. She knows the guidelines. She knows her boundaries. She also knows what to do when faced with any challenges regarding sex, drugs, alcohol and driving. I have always said I am the parent who won’t get mad if she needs a ride home from a party. I would rather her be alive than scared that I would yell at her.

Sound strict? I am. I am raising a teenage daughter that is responsible, full of self esteem and self respect while overflowing with goals, hopes and dreams. She has limits that she, herself, has set. Amanda is a fantastic kid and she is not a sheep. Of these things, I am so very proud. I know, 110%, that I am not raising a little shit. Anyway. Every mom has to learn to cut the umbilical cord and allow their children to live a life separate from their own. she goes. Wish her luck.

Has ‘Répondez s'il vous plaît’ become a lost art? RSVP for you non-French speaking readers. Has etiquette taken a back seat to inconsideration? Are good manners no longer being taught or practiced? Has friendly and respectful behavior been forgotten? I would like to think not but I am unsure.

RSVP is the basic form of manners. All that is necessary, when you receive an invitation that requires a RSVP, is to respond. Typically via a stamped enclosed card already addressed, an email or a phone call. Websites like Evite that electronically send out invitations simply need a click. It’s not rocket science. It’s not difficult. You won’t break a sweat. Minimal effort is required. So…why do so many people ignore this simple act of respect?

People ask for RSVP’s not to be annoying and pushy. They simply need to know how many people they will have to provide for. Perhaps they would like to know the correct amount of food, drink, &/or supplies to purchase and provide. Or maybe even there is a per person charge depending on the event. Whatever the case may be, you have been honored in being invited. You have been notified that your presence would be wonderful. Show your respect and appreciation by responding.

I’m not sure if people are too lazy, too busy, or too careless. Maybe they are sitting there expecting something better to come along. Or maybe they feel like if they say yes, they can’t change their mind. Who knows? Who cares? The reasoning behind the lack of etiquette doesn’t matter.

Another faux pas is to RSVP and not show. In this case, a phone call would be nice to let your host know that you can’t make it. Leaving your host expecting you is as rude as not responding at all. Things happen and situations occur. The host would surely understand and appreciate you for being so considerate.

I sound like I’m lecturing and I probably am. Or, perhaps, I am just trying to teach you what your momma never did. Manners. Hmph. RSVPing is appreciated….at least by me. I believe that some traditions still apply, especially RSVP and the Thank You note. Make note of that.

Now…watch this video and understand why I love Jimmy Kimmel.


March 9, 2010

Oscars, Copycats & Blue Gum

‘Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.’

No, no, it’s not. That’s bullshit. Does anyone truly & honestly feel that this statement rings true?

I am certainly not flattered when someone copies something I wear, do or say. Especially the say part. My mind, my creativity and my thoughts are mine. My wording, my phrasing and my delivery are mine. Mine. Not yours. As a writer, I get very offended, in a plagiaristic type manner, when someone mimics what I say or write. If you're going to steal, at least give me credit, for cripes sake.

Sometimes imitation is an insult. The only cute form of imitation was when my daughter was 5. She put on my heels, grabbed my purse, furrowed her brow and was sheer perfection. That was adorable. Anything else is not. It makes me wonder…if I am supposed to be flattered by being copied….what does this say about the copier? Umm…that you are an unoriginal clone? Henceforth, you shall be known as Xerox.

I would like to take this moment to thank all the colored gum chewers of the world. Thank you for choosing color because when you spit it on the ground like a truck driver, at least I can see it. I can then avoid stepping into it with my sassy heels and having my day ruined. Colored gum chewers rock!

Did you ever have one of those awkward moments with someone who has no sense of humor? How do those people survive? I really have no idea. Humorless bastards. I was in the bathroom with a co-worker. She was washing her hands & I was peeing. Ok? Peeing! Don't talk to me! She's all blah de blah and I'm responding awkwardly. Then she says 'I just want to kill people today.' I reply 'I've got some people you can add to your list.' :::crickets::: I wipe and wonder if she is still there because I didn't hear the door. She finally says 'Oh.' and emits a sad little obligatory laugh. Are you kidding? That was funny!! Stop talking to me while I'm in the stall. Jaysus.

Of course, I watched the Oscars on Sunday, at least until ‘The Amazing Race’ came on. I’m not missing Phil.

Of course, I have a few fashion comments & questions to make & ask, as well as a few snark.

Take one, scene one, ACTION!

*Why do young women try to look older while old women try to look younger, Miley Cyrus?
*Molly…dear, sweet, innocent, Molly. Enough with the botox, needles & plastic. Enough.
*We all know J-Blo has a huge ass. Is it necessary for her to ALWAYS show it?
*Sandra Bullock is amazing. She rocked the vintage glam like no other. I puffy heart her.
*Did anyone see the flowers that were trying to eat Charlize Theron’s boobs? If not, here you go.

*How bored was Clooney’s broad? Really? You’re at the Oscars! In a fabu dress! With George Clooney!! Smile! Bitch.
*SJP, oh, SJP. What the hell happened to your hair? Even Chanel couldn’t fix you. Next time try Andeen. She’d have done you right.
*Cameron looked amazing in that dress. I wish she would stay out of the sun though. She looked gold and old.
*Mariah should dress like the plus sized woman she is and stop fooling herself.
*Did Kathy Ireland star in I, Robot? Weird body language, lady, weird and creepy.

*I loved Robert Downey Jr’s mega tie. But, I love Robert Downey Jr, so who cares what he’s wearing.
*Could they have hired a more awkward interviewer? That George guy was ridick.
*Gaborey, Gaboure, Gabby, what’s her name is like a breathe of fresh air in Hollywood. I wish I knew her name.
*Gerard Butler & Bradley Cooper? Together? They can present to me anytime. Double delish yum!
*Queen Latifah is gorgeous. Who said skinny was hot? Not me.
*Rachel McAdams, another gorgeous woman. Except she’s skinny. She didn't look happy either. But she's still hot.
*The memorial montage was a little lacking. Farrah & Bea were in the graves saying ‘What the hell just happened? Did we get dissed?’

~I know I'm not the Oscars & I don't have a mic or video but here is my tibute. Thanks, Bea, for being so saucy in every roll I've seen you in. When I grow up, I want to be Maude and Dorothy combined. Plus, GG had a kick ass theme song. Thanks, Farrah, for being the Angel I always got to be when playing CA with my friends. Even though my name is Kelly. You were the beautiful one. I'm glad you burnt that bed. Bastard deserved it. I'm also glad you brought domestic violence to light and provided help to those who were being abused. For that alone, you rock.

Lastly, John Hughes. Every child of the 80’s new and loved his films. I still quote them & watch them religiously. His movies made us who we are, helped us through tough times, let us know everything we were experiencing was ok and that we weren’t total outer limits. Even children today, who are not products of the 80’s, adore his movies. I got teary eyed watching the tribute. I’m not gonna lie. In a time when no one understands you, those wretched, wonderful teenage years, John Hughes understood each & everyone one of us. Elisa made me start laughing again when she said ‘The Brat Pack looks more like the Rat Pack now.’ Haha! That's FUNNY! Bathroom girl wouldn't have gotten it though. Sigh.

"We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all." ~Andrew, The Breakfast Club


March 4, 2010

The Wardrobe.

I have gained so much weight that I can no longer fit into any of my jeans. How sad is that?! I’m a fatty! But, I still look better running around in leggings and sweats than most people look on any given day. Sadly, that is a true story. For example, a day here in Vegas looks a lot like the People of Walmart website. You would think that Vegas wouldn’t be high on the offending fashion faux pas list, but….oh, man…you would be incorrect, my friends.

First stop….local high schools. Teenage boys aren’t known to be fashion forward in the first place but do they really need to be fashion behind? No one, I repeat, no one wants to see your crack or your boxers, son. That dude who sang ‘Pants on the Ground’ really knew what he was talking about. If the boys aren’t sagging, they are wearing skinny jeans as if they are in a band. Sigh.

Next stop….the mall. Sweetie, this is not circa 1983, you are not 16 and you are not in a glam hair band. This is more about makeup than wardrobe but the two should really go together. Put the blue eye shadow and matchy blue shirt away. Buy yourself a color wheel and start over. Stop over plucking those brows. Rub your foundation in because you should all be one color. Your face should never be brown and your neck white. Blend, blend, blend. Don’t even get me started on lip liner. Do you have a mirror at home? Do you know that the 80’s are over? Do you know you look like an ass?

Last stop…the Strip. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas! At least long enough for us to get tons of laughter at your expense. Just being in Vegas does not mean you should squeeze your size 12 ass into a size 6 jean. You should know better. I do not need to see camel toe or muffin top at every turn. Nor do I want to see your vag peeking out from under your so called skirt. I have a vag. I can go home & look at my own. Thank you very much. Also, leave the spandex, feathers and glitter in the trash store for all the prostitutes. The Chicken Ranch ho’s thank you.

Fashion faux pas are not elusive mystical things that no one is aware of or no one has seen. I’m not saying you need to follow the beat of everyone’s drum but you should at least hear the music. You know what you like, you should know what suits you and you should know what you look good in. Again, every home has a mirror. Look in it on occasion and actually SEE.

My humble advice is to keep things simple. Too much jewelry makes you look cheap. Too much makeup makes you look tacky. Just ask Tammy Faye Baker. Too tight clothing makes you look heavier. Too many sequins, sparkles and crap makes you look like a glimmering disaster. Not dressing your age just makes you look sad. Cheap self tanner makes you look like an orange. Wearing clothing that doesn’t fit or is the wrong size makes you look like you are waiting for a flood or confused. Having your hair color resemble something that has sat out in the rain for 40 days and 40 nights is a bad thing. Having a hair color that has stripped your hair of all its luster and beauty is also a bad thing. If you are dead set on sporting alien like platinum blond, or any other color that is not your own, make sure your eyebrows match and your roots are taken care of. The drapes do not necessarily need to match the carpet..unless you’re wearing a skirt that shows your vag.

Sigh. Come on!! This is not rocket science!

The better you look, the better you feel. I dress how I feel. If I am sick, I’m in black, shuffling around in flats, hair in a pony. I don’t care. I don’t feel well. If I’m feeling sassy, I throw on my heels & stick a flower in my hair. I’m not saying to be a robot in terms of dressing. Just use your common sense. People notice the way you look and so should you.

Oh, and ladies, if your friends feel the need to call Clinton Kelly and report you, please don’t be offended. They are seriously just trying to save you from yourself. Avoiding fashion mistakes doesn’t mean spending thousands at the latest & greatest store. I buy clothes at Target & Walmart that are affordable and adorable. It’s the way you present your fashion finds that matters.

Know yourself. Know your body. Know what looks good. Know what doesn't. If you don't or can't, ask someone. I'm sure they'd love to help rather than walk around with a hawt mess fashion disaster.


March 3, 2010

The Bitch.

Every woman is a bitch. Stop lying, you know it’s true. Bitch.

Because I am strong, won’t back down, am solid in my beliefs, won’t jump on anyone’s band wagon simply to be cool or accepted, am ok with being alone, stick up for my loved ones and speak my mind….I am called a bitch. Really? Huh. Well, I’m ok with that. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Hate me if you want.

Bitch can mean many things and it definitely has negative connotations but I also think it’s a positive thing. Let’s see….a female dog is a bitch. You can be a heartless bitch, you can bitch slap, you can be your man’s bitch, you can be a son of a bitch, life’s a bitch, you can have a bitch fight, you can be a skinny bitch…seriously, the list is never ending. There are too many bitches to know who you are. Haha! (Thanks, Elisa, my office bitch.)

So, let’s go to Google to find the definition of Bitch, shall we?


Wiki-wiki-wikitionary has several definitions:

1. Female dog.
2. A female who is malicious, spiteful, unbearable, intrusive, or obnoxious.
3. A man with any of these qualities, especially a gay man (suggesting his behavior is womanly) or a man who is dishonorable, cowardly, spineless, whiny, or otherwise behaves in a manner unbecoming a man.
4. A friend.
5. Angry retort directed at a close buddy.
6. A person who is made to adopt a submissive role in a relationship.
7. A complaint.
8. A difficult or confounding problem.
9. A queen, particularly in the card game of spades or hearts.

Wow. I love the word confounding. Anyway, how awesome is it that one word has such a wide range of meanings?

It even has acronyms!!

1. Babe In Total Control of Herself.
2. Beautiful Intelligent Talented Creative Honest
3. Beautiful Individual That Causes Hardons

Teehee! Bitch has cartoons, phrases, songs, magazines, WINE! (Thanks, Tami, my wine bitch.) No one can argue that it’s impressive to be a bitch. Probably one of the more impressive words out there..and so versatile! Ok…so back to being a bitch.

Now, it takes effort to be a real bitch. It takes Chutzpah. That was for my Jewish bitches. First and most importantly, you need to NOT care what other people think. However, there is a delicate balance. You don’t want to slip from being a bitch to being a cruel bitch. Or maybe you do. If you want to be cruel then more power to you. But be prepared to get your ass kicked one day by a bigger, badder bitch.

I am not a cruel or heartless bitch. I never intentionally hurt others. I am not cold hearted. I don’t expect to be regaled like a queen. I don’t treat people like shit. I know many of these women and I can’t stand them, much less the poor sapless men they are hitched to. But, alas, some men seem to enjoy a nasty bitch. I wonder why that is?

Sheesh…I am certainly getting side tracked on my whole bitchcapade.

I like to think of myself as a bitch with style, a bitch with class. Maybe I’m wrong but maybe I’m right. I am almost 42 and see no signs of changing who I am. I speak my mind, I speak it well, I don’t put up with shit and I’m raising a woman who will hopefully be the same way.

As little girls we were taught that we were made of ‘sugar and spice and everything nice’. This is true. Sugar. AND SPICE! Spice! We always forget the spice! Damn it! Save sugar for those PMS days. Save everything nice for you. It’s the spice that needs to appear when the situation calls for it, whether it’s at home, work, or just life, in general. Women do not need to be doormats. Ever. As adult women, why don’t we change the singsong nursery rhyme to something more fitting our bitchiness? I prefer ‘sugar and spice, if you want to mess with me you better think twice.’

I think every woman should seek out the bitch in themselves….just not the wicked bitch. I am a bitch, people, and that’s not a bad thing.


March 2, 2010

The Lying.

I've decided to pay homage to my blog title, The Lying, The Bitch & The Wardrobe. I now present, to you, part 1 of my series.

The Lying.

I am not a good liar. I’m not. My high school Social Studies teacher, Mr. Gillis, pulled me out in the hallway one day and said ‘Your face is an open book. You can’t hide anything and everyone knows the mood you are in the moment they see you.’ Oy. He was right. From that point on, I said screw it. I wasn’t even going to bother. I would just be brutally honest and everyone could sod off.

Plus the fact that I could never remember what the hell my lies were about. Yikes…awkward.

I do lie, though. ‘Oh, that eye shadow looks lovely.’ ‘No, those pants do not make you look fat.’ ‘Your hair is nice.’ ‘I love you.’ Hahaha! NO! No, I never lie about my feelings. Ever. I only spout the little white lies that are told in order to spare feelings and prevent dramatics or tear flowage.

The truth is, everyone lies. White or otherwise. Daily. In fact, the average person lies 3 times during a ten minute conversation. Whoa....makes you wonder about all those 10 minute plus convos. So much for morals or credibility, huh? Haha!

There is a quote that states ‘A lie is not in the words, or lack of words; it’s in the intention of the deceiver.’ That says it all. The intention of the deceiver.

For example, I am a person who thinks omission is a form of lying. If you can’t tell me something, deal with my reaction and you choose to omit information instead, then you...are a liar. Your silence is an attempt at deceiving me into believing something different. Your omission is a form of withholding the truth or misleading me, or altering the outcome of a situation. Simply put, if your intentional silence manipulates the truth, then it is a lie by the clear definition of the word. Thanks, Mr. Webster. And screw you, liar, because your intent was not noble.

If you are trying to decieve me and I feel betrayed, I harshly judge your character and your opinion of me. It's true.

During my drive to work, ‘Fake It’ by Seether, came blaring through my ipod. As I half assed listened while phasing out the drive, I caught the following lyrics: ‘Lies won’t hide your flaws.’ Huh. Seether is right. You are still flawed. Moreso after being a liar, liar, pants on fire.

That’s what some people don’t understand. That lying makes it worse. It also makes baby Jesus cry, so remember that.

When I catch someone lying, I find that I am more pissed at the lie then I am at the subject of their lie. Like, if Amanda says ‘I did clean my room.’ and I walk into her room only to find teenage clothes and shit everywhere. Obviously she didn’t clean her room! But, I no longer care about that. I care that she didn’t respect me enough to tell me the truth. I care that she lied. Now she will be in more trouble than she would have been had she said ‘You know what, Mom? I didn’t clean my room. Sorry.’

There are classic signs that every person shows when lying. Some people are better at lying than others, but if you pay attention, you will see these signs.

*No eye contact being made. People make eye contact when conversing. Maybe not constantly, but we look at the person we are talking to. If not, a web of lies is likely being created.

*The body language starts to vary. The person begins fidgeting, tapping their foot, or touching their face. It's almost as if they are nervous. Yea..nervous of getting busted!

*There could be a change in their voice or a lot of throat clearing. Kinda like Peter Brady when he was singing ‘Time to Change’ or kinda like the lie is choking them to death.

*The old subject change. Yea, that’s always fun and not noticeable at all.

*Speaking quickly. Hey, we aren't at an auction, are we?

*Humor. You’ve all heard the adage ‘many a truth are said in jest.’ Well, many a lie, too. Because they can always fall back on the old ‘I was joking!’ when they get caught!

*It sounds ridiculous. Duh. If a web of lies sounds outlandish, then guess what, it probably is! Now about that time the aliens abducted me....

Well, we all lie. Don’t we? The number of sex partners, our resume, how you are, calling in sick, your weight, your age. I think if you say you don’t ever lie, then it's quite possible, that you are living a lie. Just saying.

If you are lying for the greater good, then ok. However, I honestly want to know if I look like a hawt fat mess before I walk out the door. Thank you very much. If you are lying for humor's sake, then ok. 'My penis is so big I can pole vault with it.' Fine, fine. I know you are lying and I'm ok with that because I'm giggling. If you are lying to make yourself feel more empowered, successful, adventurous or popular, whatever. I could care less if you rode the mechanical bull for 40 minutes, won $1,000, met the man of your dreams who had to fly off to Italy and that's why you're at this bar alone. It doesn't affect me so I don't care. I won't think you are a liar, just full of shit.

But, if your lies are going to hurt a person, if the motivation is destructive, and the result is shattered trust, then I would suggest rethinking your words, intent or actions. Words hurt more than weapons and are typically never forgotten. That 'stick and stones' rhyme was a lie.

Speaking of, I have ‘The Invention of Lying’ on my Netflix and I’m looking forward to watching it. That is not a lie.