February 23, 2010

Funyuns Aren't Fun..Or Are They?

Why is it that when I’m talking to a hawt guy, I immediately turn into a 13 year old boy? I make innuendos, think anything relatively sexual is funny and become a total perv. Oh, gawd. No wonder I’m single.







Who really eats Funyuns? I asked Elisa if she has ever eaten them. She said yes & it wasn’t fun. She obviously didn't do this with them.















How is it possible that my 15 year old daughter fits into a dress I wore to my friends wedding 5 years ago? I can’t fit my thigh into that damn dress! Where in gawds name did all of my fatness come from? Certainly not from Funyuns...that's for sure.
















Speaking of being a fatty....does anyone else get tired of eating? I feel like I eat the same things day after day after day after day. I am bored senseless. As a diabetic, I was taught to eat 3 meals a day and 3 snacks. That's a lot of eating..yawn. Chewing is exhausting at times.















Has anyone seen the movie ‘Sliding Doors’? I often think about this movie and the what if’s. What if I had taken the other path? What if I didn’t leave NY? I hate what ifs. Good movie though. I recommend it if you, too, have ever thought 'What if'.





















Who came up with the idea that a bird pooping on you is good luck? The other day I thought a bird pooped in Elisa’s hair. It was only shampoo but I think it would have been way funnier had it been poop. And luckier..as it were.















How can you not love the internet? I love when I’m telling a story that sounds questionable and then I find proof on the internet. I was telling Elisa that I lived down the road from Willem Dafoes Rubber House. As I’m telling her, I realized how absolutely ridiculous it sounded. Unbelieveable, really. Until I visited Google and there it was…in all it’s neoprene glory. I didn’t realize that everyone called it the rubber house. Hey, give me a break! I was in 9th grade at the time. I thought I was the only clever person on the planet.
















Guess what folks!! Just because I'm not random enough today.....it’s now time for the Friendship Blog Love!

Dear M,

Köszönöm for putting the hat on and letting me take a picture. That was the first time we met and it was one of the most memorable beginnings I’ve ever had. Köszönöm for throwing me my very first birthday party ever. Köszönöm for sharing while wearing a sombrero. Köszönöm for letting me talk to BK when you were pregnant. I loved that you loved me enough to allow that. Köszönöm for confiding in me and letting me confide in you. Whether by the blueberry bush or on the sinking couch, we pinky swear & know it’s safe. Köszönöm for the Spice Girls. Köszönöm for the mantra and always telling me I’m a good mom. That’s the one thing I need to hear more than anything else & you always say it. Köszönöm for letting me talk smack & knowing there's still love there. Köszönöm for letting me cry without thinking I’m weak. Köszönöm for Disneyland & bringing the Cinderella Costco Cold Cuts to the pre-party potluck. Haha! Köszönöm for letting me meet your mom. She’s wonderful. Just like you. Köszönöm for our fights & our makeups. We are so funny and dramatic sometimes but that’s what makes our friendship stronger. Köszönöm for being there for Amanda & sitting through her school functions! Köszönöm for being you, exactly as you are. Lastly, köszönöm for being my heart friend. Lurve lurve.





















*Peace.

February 17, 2010

Opinionation

For those who don’t already know, I’ll admit it again; I am a reality show geek. Total uber geek. Super addict. I realize how ridiculous it is and yet I continue to fill my Season Pass with reality shows. I either need counseling...or more Tivos.

That being said, it’s now time for me to welcome you to my 'Opinionation'!

::::applause::::

Last night I watched the latest episode of The Bachelor. First of all, I think the bachelor is gay. I think he needs to wipe his tears, put a shirt on and walk out of the closet. I also think he is super unattractive. Sorry women who like girly blonde men, that's my opinion. I can't help but wonder why no one has questioned the ‘Fantasy Suite’ stage of that show? The bachelor has the opportunity to stay as a couple with 3 different women, on 3 different nights. Does he have sex with each of these women? Do the women not know he has just gotten busy with another contestant in the Fantasy Suite down the hall? Ewww….




















Also, and this makes me laugh, at the rose ceremony, I love how he says ‘I’m in love with all three of you.’ Umm…’scuse me? If I were contestant #2, and the bach said that, I’d let him keep his rose. Psh! I'd pick up the hem of my JC Penney prom dress and walk out. Will the poor ‘winner’ go through the rest of her life wondering if he still loves the others? Like would be a better word choice here, Jakey. Like. Better yet, just stop speaking. You truly make it seem like I’m watching ‘The Bachelorette’.

The Amazing Race had its 1st episode on Sunday. I love that show. I wish I could race around the country, miss all the sights and win a million dollars. Sigh. Seriously, though, I love this show. I really can’t tell what they were trying to do with the cast this year. There was an odd mixture of pseudo celebs & regular Joe’s. Jeff & Jordan from Big Brother are racing. Jordan already won BB. Doesn't she have enough money in her trailer? Anyway, I’m not sure she is bright enough to finish. They needed to fly to Chile and she told the ticket agent China. Der. She's going to get lost.

‘Such As’ is on with her boyfriend. Anyone remember ‘Such As’?






Oy. Hopefully they don’t send her to The Iraq.

There are a few other psuedos like the professional bull riders and the Phillies coach. Then you have a handful of normal people like the lesbians and the gay brothers. Love it. My favorite part of that show is Phil…and the Travelocity gnome.
















Another one of my favs is Survivor. This is the 20th season. Wow. I can’t believe I’ve been watching this show for that long. Holy crap. Anyway, this season is Heroes vs. Villains. My fav hippie love bug, Rupert, is back. So is Eye Candy Colby and Gravedigger James. Then the douches are back. Zen dragon freak Coach, scary hairy Jerri, and buy a tooth Russell.

The best part of the 1st episode was during a challenge when this chick pulled off Sugars bikini top. Sugar, gotta love her, ran back to the finish line and double flipped the chick off in all her topless glory. Sigh. I’m so glad that show is back on. If I weren’t a Diabetic, I would totally sign up. If you are interested, they are having a casting call right now. Are you a Survivor? Damn. That would be fantastic!

Last, because I’m only going to talk about 4 shows, is Project Runway. I still want to be best friends with Heidi Klum. A. Because we are both German and B. because she is hysterical! I love her. Hey, Heid, call me. :)

My favorite designer is Anthony and not because of his clothing. He is just this fabu little Southern gay man who I love from bottom to top. He makes me laugh. I cannot stand the dinosaur Mila. She is younger than me yet looks like she could have birthed me.






As far as designs, I don’t really have a favorite. I find myself leaning mostly towards Seth Aaron. My second leaning is to dinosaur Mila’s doppelganger. I don’t know her name.

While I am a reality show addict, there are shows that I refuse REFUSE to watch. For example, Toddlers & Tiaras. Oh. My. Gawd. Any parent that spray tans, glitters & teeth whitens their 5 year old child needs to be put in an institution. Stop living through your child, fatty! Also, I will not watch Jersey Shore. I grew up around orange, gold wearing, dumb, drunken whores. Why would I want to watch them on TV?
















Anyway. Yes, folks, this is how I spend my free time. With Tivo and my reality shows. Maybe someday I’ll have a life.

*Peace.

February 9, 2010

SASS!

Hello. My name is Kelly and I have a shrinking attention span. ::hello, Kelly::: The length of my dwindling attention span is based on the topic at hand. On average, I would guess that you have about 5 minutes of my awareness before I phase out and mentally move on to something else. Of course the span increases along with my interest. If you are blah de blahing about something funny, well, then, you have me for a little while. If you are blah de blahing about…yawn…work. Then know that I will phase out after about 2.5 seconds.

It reminds me of that Drew Carey joke. ‘Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s call EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.’

I think with the wealth of information and entertainment, how could my attention span remain intact? It obviously cannot and I shall now call it SASS. Short Attention Span, Sista! Son, if I’m giving 2.5 seconds to a man. Ahem. Moving on.















I need a new fashion obsession. The most recent were socks. Argyle, stripes, crazy, super fun, knee high socks. I bought Amanda & I more socks than one should ever have in the desert. I still lurve them but need something new. Since I have become such a fatty, I’m thinking maybe I need to make leggings my new obsession. But, that obsession doesn’t come alone. I would need to add super long tops to go with that one. No one needs to see Guam in leggings. Oy.








I have been buying a lot of accessories. Necklaces, rings, hair clips. I’ve been focused on bows & flowers. Those are fun but I need a statement. I already did socks, hats, scarfs. Now that everyone is wearing them, I stopped. So, I’m taking suggestions. Please fill out a suggestion card and turn it in at the next SASS meeting. Moving on.





















Amanda. ANTM.

My daughter will be 15.5 this month. 15.5 means she can get her Instruction Permit. 15.5 means she can legally drive on the streets of Las Vegas. She has been driving illegally a few times before but, shhh, don’t tell anyone. What I have noticed about this stage in life is that I am not a good teacher. The moment she gets behind the wheel, I get really hot. I get stressed. I get upset. I know I should be patient and calm. I know this, but, shouldn’t she know how to exercise common sense? Ugh.

What sucks is that only a parent is allowed in the car with a teen driver. No one else. I can’t even hire someone to teach her. Can I? I don’t know. I need some zen like advice in order to get through this stage. I think this stage will be the worst one yet. Worse than graduation, college, sex. ::yes, in that order:: This instills such a fear in me because people in Vegas cannot drive. Sorry, Vegans. You can’t. You suck. Teens can’t drive either. Sorry, Teens. You can’t. You suck, too.

I am pretty confident that I’m not the only one who thinks teaching a teen to drive is a nightmare. The anxiety & stress I feel, she feels, too. More so. I realize that this is an important right of passage for all teens, I do. This begins the transition into adulthood. This allots a certain bit of unknown freedom. This great power comes with great responsibility. This is a time that I believe should not start until 18. Aye. Yi. Yi. Moving on.
















The car Amanda wants.


















The car Amanda will get.


*Peace.

February 4, 2010

Fuck It. I Made a Bucket.

It's no surprise that I've been in a funk for a few months. In an attempt to drive myself toward the road to recovery, I decided to make a Bucket List. Now, I have always had a list. I have just never shared it. I also haven't updated it in a while. So, I drug out the old 'to-do' list, dusted it off & began to resurrect it. It actually made me very happy that I could cross some things off & insert new ones.

I will try & update this as often as I can. I am not making any promises. The only promise made here is to me.












Kelly's Bucket.

1. Write and publish a book...or two.
2. Eat crepes in Paris.
3. Zip line thru a rain forest canopy in South America.
4. Go on an African safari and see the Big 5.
5. Spend a night with the Maasai.
6. Zorb in New Zealand.





















7. White water raft down the Colorado.
8. Drink beer at Oktoberfest.
9. Explore Machu Picchu.
10. Eat sushi in Tokyo.
11. Move to Washington State.
12. Buy a kayak.
13. Take an impromptu drive up PCH.
14. Visit Monet’s garden in Normandy, France.
















15. Fall madly in love.
16. Get married.
17. Get a degree in Journalism.
18. Own my own book store.
19. Meander through Central Park without hurry.
20. Ride a camel to the pyramids of Giza.
21. Hang out with the animals on Galapagos Island.














22. Trek through the Amazon rainforest.
23. Swim in Jellyfish Lake
24. Have a job because of love not because of money.
25. Ride the Napa Valley Wine Train with friends
26. Ride a cable car in San Fran & hang off the side.
27. Learn not to say yes when I really want to say no.
28. Learn to let go.
29. Find my passion.
30. Spend an entire day reading, nothing else.





















31. Spend Christmas in Australia.
32. Snorkel the Great Barrier Reef.
33. Grow a magnificent garden.
34. Participate in a house exchange with someone from Europe.
35. Go to Holland and pick tulips.
36. Ride a horse on the beach.
37. Learn to play my didgeridoo.
38. Throw a boomerang.
39. Do a Roar & Snore at the San Diego Zoo.














40. Ride a gondola in Venice before it sinks.
41. Parasail.
42. Swim at a Hawaiian waterfall.
43. Get acupuncture.
44. Take a cooking class.
45. Go on a honeymoon.
46. Go to Fiji & drink kava with the Maori.





















47. Go sailing.
48. Meet Steven Tyler & Johnny Depp. Separately.
49. Learn to play a musical instrument.
50. Remember the important things in life.


Yes, I aim big and think large. But, like my good old friend, Dr. Suess, said:

“And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed!”

*Peace.

Updated - June 5, 2010: Getting laid off allowed me to accomplish 2 things on my Bucket List. I spent an entire day reading and it was wonderful. I am on my way to live in Washington State. 2 down! 48 to go!