I typically write based on humor. Whether it’s some ridiculous something that I have seen or some crazy crap that has crossed my mind, I write it because I love to laugh. Plus, it's easier to laugh than to cry. I rarely open the window for anyone to see what is inside my soul. That’s usually private & I don't like to share.
However, today, I am something different. Today, I am Kelly Wright. War Correspondent.
In the battle of ‘head versus heart’, who usually wins?
We all know what I am talking about. We all have all been there. If not once, than many times. Don’t lie. You know you have. The head is saying ‘Absolutely not!’ but the heart is saying ‘Oh, please, please, yes.’ We all at some point or another have tortured ourselves. I totally torture myself. I wage a war based on self preservation and burning desire. A war of feelings against logic. Self against ego. Reason against emotion. Want against need.
I have been told that I am an island. I have been told that I have walls. I guess what I’m waiting for is someone to grab a gawd damn boat and row. Or, grab a mother effing rope and climb. This takes work, sure. I realize that. It takes someone who truly cares. It takes someone who has the notion that the trip will be well worth it. And it is, bitches. Psh! It is. Now obviously this just requires too much effort for some. Most people are too lazy and those are the ones who aren’t worth it. Those people are no longer privy to my life. Au revoir! I save all that I am for those who choose to row..and climb.
Now, I am a logical person. I like things to make sense. I like to do what’s right. I am just and moral and fair. I like to have all the facts before making a decision. I like to think things through, see the whole picture and visualize the results, good or bad.
My analytical mind. A mind that knows right from wrong. A mind that knows what it will accept and deny. A mind that needs proof, action and promise. A mind that won’t always be fooled.
I am also a dreamer. I believe in love. I continue to hope for the lid to my pot. I have been waiting a lifetime for the man who ‘I just know’ is the one. I believe he's out there learning what to contrast me against and I'm just waiting. I have no doubt of my happily ever after. Crazy, isn’t it? Ugh.
My accursed heart. A heart that loves forever. A loyal and honest heart. A heart that wants to love and be loved in return. A heart that would forsake almost everything for great love.
It’s so overwhelming and consuming. I don’t like when my heart gets involved. Letting my heart get involved is opening myself up to chaos. At times, this is a beautiful thing. At other times, a scary thing. When my heart throws down the gauntlet to my head, I get scared. When both attack, the crescendo is too much to handle. I feel like my head will explode, my heart hurts, tears threaten to fall and I am paralyzed. Or....I run…like the wind.
I am a sensitivity that is private. But, don’t ever let that fool you into thinking I am made of stone. I am clearly not. I am probably one of the most sensitive people you will run across. I have had a lifetime of let downs, broken hearts and crushed dreams. Most of the time I mourn those silently because that is how I carry on. I do break down occasionally but only in front of those I trust explicitly. Even to them it's hard to let myself break down. I work so hard at being strong all the time because I have to. I have had to my entire life. So, when I show my weakness, when I stumble and fall, it’s shocking. It’s intense. It’s jaw dropping. It’s painful and it’s sad.
There is a quote that says ‘The heart is forever making the head its fool.’ I forget who said it but I’m pretty sure it was some French guy. They always have lots to say about love. But, this quote is fantastic, because it’s true. My heart is trying very hard to make my head the fool and my stubborn head is fighting back with a vengeance.
I don’t know who will win.
I don’t know if I am writing this for you…or for me.
I don’t know if it makes any sense.
What I do know is that if I stumble and fall, I will pick myself up. I will dust off my jeans and carry on, as usual. Maybe, next time, listening to my heart, thinking clearly and following my gut before leaping.
Maybe the most fair, loving and selfless thing you could do...is to let me go. Simply because you aren't rowing.....and its hurting me. I know it's not on purpose and I know it's hurting you, too.
I just can't do this anymore.
In the battle between head vs heart, who usually wins...if anyone?