October 20, 2009

Only Love.

I am a single woman. I know, shocker. Me?! There’s no way!! *gasp*

I can hear what you are thinking right now…’She must be doing something wrong.’

To me, what is shocking are the ideals that people have about my relationship status. I seriously have a purse full of reasons that have been tossed my way. Reasons that have led friends, family & strangers to their conclusion as to why I am alone. Sometimes they are hysterical, sometimes accurate, sometimes offensive, and sometimes hurtful. Always unnecessary.

Here are a few of the most popular ones: I have no desire to be in a relationship. I am too independent. I am too picky. I am non-committal. I am not looking. I am not trying hard enough. I’m afraid of letting people in. I have walls. Oh, trust me. The list goes on…and on….and on. In fact, there really isn’t an ideology or reason I haven’t heard.

My favorite misconception is that I don’t know anything about love because I am single. This is not as surprising as I think it should be. When I find myself in what I like to call my ‘Eleanor Rigby’ mode, I question my ability to love and ask what is wrong with me. I accuse myself of being horrible at relationships and being scared. So…why shouldn’t others? I sometimes wonder if I truly know what it is like to be in love and to love….and then I remember. Not only do I love with my entire being a few treasured people in this world, but I have also loved in the greatest of ways. And I am not finished loving….not by a long shot.

I have had three major loves in my life. Three. By life’s standards, I am truly a lucky woman.

I have had a ‘First Love’. To this day, that sweet, innocent, playful, camaraderie goes untouched. When we see each other, we revert back to high school when life was simple, there weren’t any responsibilities, the laughter was quick, the teasing was playful and the loving was easy. It's comfortable, warm...and nice.

I have had a ‘Lost Love’. That soul crashing, absolute surrendering, unconditional love that takes your breath away and….I let it go. I was scared, I was broken, I wasn’t the person I needed to be or the person that he deserved. When we see each other, it’s as if neither a moment in time nor the feelings in our hearts have lapsed. But, it is lost. Everyone has regrets. Losing him is mine.

I have had an ‘Unrequited Love’. The most passionate, overwhelming and painful of all loves. Three years of togetherness was ended with an ‘I don’t love you back.’ Ouch. Fucker. When I see him, I flee…I run….I hide in the vegetable section of Costco and cry on the phone to my friend. Eight years later and this man still effects me. My first real heartbreak. My first real love karma running over my dogma.

So, yes, I have loved more deeply and more strongly than most. Never make the mistake of thinking that I haven’t. I still love and I am certain I will again. I am merely waiting for the person who deserves all the wonderful things that I am. I am waiting for the ‘Grand Love’ to end my story.

The one thing I won’t do is sell myself short and settle for less in an attempt to make others, or myself, feel comfortable with my status. I refuse to fall in love with love. At this point in my life, I look inside to find what I need and it’s working. My life is full and happy. I may be single but I am loved by at least 2 of my 3 great loves and they will love me forever; of this I have no doubt. Not many people have that luxury.

Bottom line is I am single for many reasons, none of which are negative. The ‘sad, lonely, doing something wrong, single woman’ stereotype isn’t necessarily true. Everyone, even married people, feel sad or lonely. Guess what? We are human, we feel, such is life.

Embrace what you are, whether you are single or married AND embrace everyone’s option to be what they are, too. Just because we check off different boxes on surveys and forms, doesn’t mean we are worlds apart. After all, the winds of change are always blowing…..

“There are four questions of value in life... What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.” ~Don Juan deMarco



  1. Wow.
    I'm with you on this, all the way.
    I won't give up either, or give in.

    Much love to you, hon. ;-)

  2. That was a wonderful, eloquently written post. I thank you for verbalizing everything I've been feeling as the only single one of my friends. When you say their opinion is "I have no desire to be in a relationship. I am too independent. I am too picky. I am non-committal. I am not looking. I am not trying hard enough. I’m afraid of letting people in. I have walls.", this is EXACTLY the same things I hear as well. And it's not the truth for me, either.

    Thanks for this post. I loved it.

  3. Such powerful words of wisdome--Thank you for taking the time to care and to share.