September 23, 2009

Happy Birthday Eff Me!

Well, I have had the most shitacious few days. What makes this opening line even worse is that yesterday was my birthday. This wasn’t a good birthday to start with. I didn’t turn 16…yay driving!! I didn’t turn 18…yay graduation!! I didn’t turn 21…yay alcohol!! I turned 41. Dear gawd.

41 is much worse than 40, I think. 40 is the top of the roller coaster peak. You reached the top with wonderful life moments twirling around your head, your hair slightly windblown and loving the fabulous uphill ride you've had. Personally, I welcomed and basted in the glory that was 40.

THEN...dun dun turn 41….and start to descend. Plummet. Wildly. Down. Quickly. Like a bat outta hell.


Thanks to all the friends who sent birthday wishes & gifts. I repeat, you dazzle me.

Coupled with the fact that I’m headed down ward, I have had to deal with a few people who have been monumental fuckwads. I mean, really? Is it that hard to be a good person? Is it that hard to be nice? How about happy? Is it hard? Feh. Well, while you haters continue to be miserable, I will continue to spite you. How do you like me now? haha! So, to remain happily sedated in my own wonderful life, I am reposting a few reminders that I found in some vintage 2008 blogs.

You may have broken my mood over the past few days, but you will never break my spirit.

I am thankful for:

FAMILY & FRIENDS: Of course! This one is a given & really shouldn’t count.
MY JOB: I’ve been fighting to keep it and, so far, I am winning.
TAFFY, MY HONDA: I am so mean and abusive to her but she never back talks & she is paid for.
ELISA: She has proven to me that I still don’t like Mexican food.
RAINY DAYS: These rarities make me very happy. I want to move to Washington.
MY INSULIN PUMP: I hate being a cyborg but I love that it’s keeping me alive.
DIET ROCK STAR: The only time I can burp like a man.
LITTLE WRINKLES: They remind me how wonderful my life is.
GUAM: aka: My ass. It reminds me of my cupcake love.
TRUE LOVE: I’m glad I had one and I’m glad we’re still friends.
NOT BEING PREGNANT: I’m glad my friends are though. )
MY CAT, FINN: I love when he wraps himself around my legs while I’m peeing.
TIVO: Although it did rip me away from reading…I love the marriage between reality tv & Tivo.
NEW CRAYONS: I love coloring with Amanda but it’s so much better with new crayons.
TEXTING: My connection to the world. No….don’t call me…I hate talking on the phone.
SERENDIPITY: Always when you need it the most. The movie isn’t bad either.
OLD MOVIES: I love the proper behavior, the classic dress and the terminology.
TINTED MOISTURIZER: Lightly covers imperfections without giving a pancake face.
BATH & BODY WORKS: I match the scent with what I’m wearing and it makes me smile.

A Few of My Favorite Things.

1. Amanda. Everything about this girl is my favorite, everything.
2. Chapstick. I am addicted and cannot survive without waxy lips. It’s true.
3. Baking cookies. Makes me feel all warm and snuggly.
4. Venti Skinny Vanilla Lattes. In fact, I wish they had a bigger size…like ‘Vat’.
5. Laughing. The really good, makes you cry, laugh that starts with a guffaw and involves a few snorts.
6. Peter Pan Creamy Peanut Butter. Enough said.
7. Pajama’s. I wish I could live in pajama’s.
8. Central Park. In the fall when the brightly colored leaves crunch beneath your feet and the crisp air kisses your cheeks.
9. Forests. The stillness and quiet even though there are animals scurrying. The moss on the trees. The rays of sunlight pushing through the canopy.
10. Unexpected snail mail. Only the good kind, like a present from your best friend of 29 years.

11. Lilacs. The real trees that bloom in full force during the spring.
12. Dinner with Friends. Pure, simple joy.
13. Butterflies. They are little surprises that flit merrily about.
14. Daisies. My favorite flowers because they are happy.
15. Clean sheets. Even better with freshly shaved legs…sigh.
16. Clouds. Laying on your back in the grass and making animals out of them.
17. Snow. Specifically the very first snow when you open the door to your own winter wonderland.
18. Humor. Very few people possess this so it’s my favorite thing when I find real, true humor.
19. Being Original. It’s my favorite thing to be the shepherd…not the sheep.
20. Good Hugs. My Aunt Donna gave the best comfort hugs ever.

There you go. I am smiling and content now. Thank you for letting me share. Now you do the same. What are some of your favorite things?

These things still make me smile and feel content. This will be my last blog until mid-October. I am going on vacation. I am going home. Home. Home so my soul gets hugged and so I can breathe.

Leaving you with one last gem that made me laugh and the hopes that the next couple of weeks bring you unspeakable joy.

Random things I hear at the office:
“I would buy that…if it were on sale….but it isn’t. It’s bullshit.”


September 15, 2009

Enquiring Mind

I have an enquiring mind and, yes, it wants to know. I really don’t see how I will get a good nights rest unless I have the answers. In fact, I may just go mad……

Here are my questions of the week:

Why are 80’s commercials coming back on TV? I feel like I have fallen into some warped time space continuum. I literally have to pause to look at my daughter, my crow’s feet and 40 year old body just to reconfirm that it is still 2009. I wonder what the french toast is going on as I watch the following….

No. I wasn’t watching TV Land. I am pretty sure I was watching HGTV or the Travel Channel. haha! Then, suddenly, in an attempt to toss everyone back to the current year, this commercial comes on:

Its times like these that I bow down to my Tivo and thank him for allowing me to skip over commercials. It’s also times like these that remind me to call my esthetician.

Next question. Why do old women insist on having long hair? I realize that long hair seems glamorous, sexy, romantic and youthful. Plus, it’s a fact that men love long hair. However, it is my opinion that it seems to make many look dragged down, tired and it accentuates those nasty wrinkles. Don’t get me wrong, I think long hair can be incredibly sexy…IF you take care of it....IF it looks strong, healthy and shiny. IF. Short hair can be just as fab and would probably take years off quite unlike the horse tail you have hanging down past your ass. But, hey, like I said…it’s my opinion. I’m going to be 41…ugh….in a couple of weeks….eff me…and my hair is just past my shoulders. That reminds me, I need to call my hair dresser.

Another question is how do people know when others speak their language? I was in the airport recently when an ethnic woman walked up to the couple next to me and started speaking quickly in something akin to Spanish. By her movements, I deduced that she was asking for directional help. The couple answered her and away she went. There was nothing screaming race on either of these people. The approaching woman was a brunette; the couple were elderly with gray hair. How in the world did she know they spoke her language? This is something that constantly amazes me. I clearly look German but never has anyone skipped up to me in lederhosen and started spouting off guten tags. I’m just saying.

I guess that’s it. It’s my birthday in one week and I’m sort of dreading it. I feel like I am at the peak of the roller coaster right now and am starting to descend. Ugh. Someone better buy me a cupcake to shove in my mouth while I'll scream.


September 8, 2009

Gallery of Broken Hearts & Disappointments

I am depressed. It’s true. There. I said it. Maybe not depressed but definitely sad. Being sad is a feeling that I am not accustomed to as I am typically not someone who entertains that whole ‘woe is me’ mode. I am someone that typically entertains the ‘primrose path’ mode. Thanks, Shakespeare. However, I do tend to bottle up my feelings until they become too much. When they suddenly break free, I am ill equipped and unprepared. This usually happens when I am stressed, exhausted and over my emotional limit.

Welcome to one of those times where I am the star in my very own gallery of broken hearts and disappointments.

I think we have all succumbed to the little disappointments that life brings. It’s human nature. Try as we might, happiness does not reign supreme 24/7. Once the gallery opens, it’s a flood gate and you wonder how you will ever be ok. Of course, you know you will be. Joy will eventually replace the sadness, balance ensues and all is right with the world. It’s the Yin and Yang of life, really. Right now…I am Yin.

I am also an expectator. Yes, I just made that word up. I like it. I am an expectator, meaning I tend to have high expectations of people, places, things, moments, etc. For example, I have such a vivid imagination that I tend to create the entire glorious experience before I even begin the adventure. Bad Kelly.

So, I have been on a path of learning not to do this to myself simply to avoid the feelings of disappointment which range from slight to immense. Also, I am learning not to do this to others. It certainly is no fault of theirs that I have great expectations and it certainly isn't fair. Obviously, I am still learning. This doesn’t mean to say that I don’t enjoy the simple pleasures in life. I do and I get the most satisfaction from these. Like I said, I just have great expectations.

This is what my friend, Dario, said after my dramatic proclamation of being depressed. ‘Everybody is a gallery of broken hearts and disappointments in this stupid world of humans with too big brains that make us think too much (and usually not in the correct way!). But those broken hearts and disappointments only count when, for some or other reason, we suddenly focus on them, and they stick on our mind, on some philosophically oriented morning, or on a long weekend which leaves too much time to brood. I see you have a beautiful child, a fine mind and pretty awesome boobs... From my perspective, could be worse...’

He is right. Not only regarding the fact that I have awesome boobs, but also about the wonderful life I am living. Despite the people who let me down, the dreams that have been shattered, the paths that have not been taken, the happily ever after love that has not been found, things could be worse and I probably have no right to complain or feel badly. In reality, most of us do not have the right but we do anyway. I wonder why that is?

In any event, The Daily Mind has a great article on how to deal with life's disappointments. There is also a great quote that I will share just in case you don't want to read the article.

“Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it.” – Eliza Tabor

In this moment, I am sad and that’s ok. It’s ok to cry, too…….just for the record.


September 1, 2009

Stupid is as Stupid does.

I am cranky today so, in an attempt to make myself smile, I have decided to post some pictures of stupid people. Typically, it’s the stupidity in the human race that makes me cranky. But, please don’t think for one moment that I avoid stupidity. I definitely include myself in this list. I just don’t have any photos of myself doing anything incredibly stupid…yet.

I am just tired PMSing, without the P. I need giggles. So, here is my lame attempt at trying to make myself laugh instead of screaming. Enjoy…and thank your lucky stars that you are not in these photos. If you are in these photos, thank you for being a retard…hahaha!

Mother of the Year award winner.

The only stupid thing I see here is his hair.

Just like most of the population. Be proud.

This guy isn't stupid! He's awesome! haha

I mean, what else is left? No pun intended.

Can I get a 'God Bless America'?!

So it seems.

Hey, Kool-Aid!!

What a peach.

I have no idea either, guy in the background.

For more stupidity, click here --> Darwin Awards