August 26, 2009

Now Playing.....

Amanda started her new job at Retro Bakery and got her first paycheck. It’s so cool because she paid me back for her health card. This took most of her pay. Poor little lamb. As a mother, I wanted to tell her to keep the money but as a mother, I want her to learn responsibility. I took her $50 and didn’t make a big deal out of it. I’m so proud that she is already learning the American way. 95% of your paycheck will go towards bills. The end. Haha!

I came to the conclusion that your teen getting a job is the first step in the letting go process. She worked for a few hours on Friday & Saturday and I was alone. I went through the typical ‘empty nest’ moment where I wondered what the hell I could do for me….not someone else. Amanda & I have the strongest bond I have ever seen so I know that when college comes, I am going to be a hot mess. Hopefully, this loneliness thing will ease up and by then I’ll be pushing her out the door. I also have friends who will help me survive. OH! Wait!! Then I’ll buy that dawg and become that type of crazy.*sigh* I forgot I had a plan. Hmmmm......I wonder if said friends will help clean up dawg poo.

I would like to let all the male readers…if there are any…in on a little female secret. Women lie about the number of men they have slept with. Listen, if you have the nads to ask, we are going to exaggerate. Just like how you lie and add more to your total, we subtract.

I may get kicked out of the ‘She Woman Man Haters Club’ but it’s worth it. Almost every woman has a set number that she will proudly announce and a true number that she ho-ards. <--did you get that? Haha! My number is 7. The sad part is that I really thought it was 7 until last year. We were waiting in a Disney ride line and the subject came up. Who said inappropriate?! Haha! Anyway, nads Bill asked and I replied with my standard answer. For whatever reason, the discussion continued and I began naming & counting in my mind. That wasn’t good enough so I started revealing the names of those lucky devils to Bill. I finished, confirmed and said ‘Yep, 7.’ Bill then replied ‘What about Amanda’s dad?’ Holy crap!! I totally forgot about him! No shocker there but it made me wonder who else I forgot. Haha! How sad. I blame diabetes for screwing with my memory….and alcohol….and drugs…..and and… So, yea, women lie about their numbers and I say hey, whatever makes you feel like less of a slut is fine with me. Haha!

What made me think of numbers was that I was thinking about past lovers. I apparently need to find a hobby. Haha! I had this grand epiphany while I was stalking…I mean looking….around on Facebook. I saw a picture of a guy that one of my friends had slept with a million years ago. Ewwwww….he looked like a retired porn star. All his cuteness had somehow escaped over the past 25 years. This made me crack up until I almost peed in my pants. I immediately forwarded the picture to my friend & we laughed together. I then thought that it would be awesome if, at age 40, a film strip of past lovers rolled through your mind. Past & present photos so that you can wonder what the hell were you thinking and what the hell happened. So you could not only remember who but also laugh at how much people change. Also, become aware of how much your taste has changed. The things that I adored and thought were super important when I was 20 now seem ridiculous and unattractive at 40. Older and wiser, for some. Older and fatter, for others. :)

And, once again, it's time for the Friendship Blog Love.

Dear Loblaw,

I’m grateful you became my faux lover at the bar just to help keep the boys away. Shit. Piss. Facundo. Was that the first time we met? We met, we laughed, we passed on by. I’m grateful for the Spice Girls. Was that the second time we met? We dressed, we laughed, we passed on by. I’m grateful for Sex in the City. That was the last time we met. We cried in the bathroom, we laughed, we became friends. I’m grateful I have a friend who understands. I am grateful to be T1Ts. I am grateful for the support. I am grateful for the fat clothes. I am grateful for the cupcake love. I am grateful for the wine and whine. I am grateful for the messenger pictures that make me laugh & make my day. I am grateful you let me have your family. I am grateful for psh, cut, slap, rawr, grrr, chop and the hundred other onomatopoeias we listed in order of seriousness. haha! I am grateful for the socks. I am grateful to have been a witness to the snow bikini sock modeling. I am grateful for the party help..always. I am grateful I have someone to leave my shoes to. I am grateful for the fashion & beauty love. I am grateful for Bob Loblaw and Walt Chadoin. I am grateful that I can be 100% who I am with you. I am grateful you can be 100% who you are with me. I am grateful that you love my daughter. I am grateful for the lurvity lurve lurve lurve. I am grateful to be your bridesmaid. I am grateful to have a BFF who is truly wonderful in every way, hysterically funny and stunningly beautiful. You rock.


August 25, 2009

Best Meeting Notes Ever

Here lies the most random stream of consciousness that I have ever read. Note taker shall remain anonymous to protect the innocent. :)

August 19, 2009

Back to School.

School starts this Monday for those poor unfortunate souls that live in Las Vegas. I know that back east; kids still have a couple more weeks of summer bliss. School always started on Sept. 7th or 9th. I remember this because the first day of school was either on my brother’s birthday or my dad’s birthday. It was much more fun when it was on my brother’s birthday because anything to pester him made me laugh & feel superior. I am almost 41 and I still want to sing “Jesse’s Girl” to him simply to watch him cringe. Monday is Amanda’s birthday. Ugh. Happy Birthday, baby. It’s not as fun to pester her about it. I actually feel bad but still won’t apologize to my brother for making fun of him. Haha! But, I digress. School!!

I was on vacation last week. Big deal. This wasn’t a fun vacation; this was a ‘to-do’ list vacation. I get more rest at work than I got while I was on vacay. Psh! So, Miss Amanda got a job at Retro Bakery. You can visit Retro’s website here & check out all the yummy goodness: Retro Bakery

You can also verbally delight yourself with Kerri’s blog here: Building A Bakery

Hi, Kerri! Thanks for hiring Amanda. You can fire her or yell at her and I will still be your friend and buy your super delish cupcakes. When I am back on the sauce, that is.

Anyway, my ‘to-do’ list consisted of getting Amanda a workers permit & a health card in order to begin at Retro. Then, I needed my license renewed and we also needed to go school shopping. I don’t even want to type the dollar amount that I spent. To do so would be blasphemy. Let’s just say….I won’t be spending much money at Disneyland this weekend….or in NY next month…..or for the Halloween party…..or for Christmas gifts…..sigh….digressing again…so sorry.

I know many of you remember the school ‘smell’. That chalk, paste & pencil shavings smell which instantly catapults you back in time to Elementary school. But, the bus had its own special feeling. Does anyone remember the school bus smell? It smelled of tires, rusty metal and farts. I loathed the bus. You always had to sit next to some weirdo. You had to do battle to open a window because the latches would never work properly. You would always see the driver peering at you through that long ass mirror. I had a bus driver that would sing threatening songs to us. “Sit down! Turn around! Don’t make pull over!” Obviously, she couldn’t rhyme but her point was still made. We sat in stinky silence all the live long way. I wish my bus ride would have been more like the Sixteen Candles Bus Scene. That would have been awesome.

In honor of ‘Back to School’, I’ve picked out some things to pass on to all the teen ladies. Important things that I would tell my teenage self, if only I could. Of course, I can’t, so I’m telling you. Please listen.

Break ups aren’t the end of the world. When you become an adult, you won’t even remember or speak to 90% of your school mates. (unless you join Facebook.) This is the time where you learn about relationships. It’s not necessarily the time you find ‘the one’.

Appreciate your girlfriends. Always remain true to the girl team. Do not let boys ruin or interfere and don't place a friendship on hold for a boy. Stick together because chances are those girlfriends will last a lot longer than those boy friends.

Love your body. Know that you are beautiful, thin and fantastic. You may be beating yourself up for being a size 1 with an A cup breast size but you won’t always. When you hit 35 and everything enlarges and starts going south you will wish you had known how fabulous you were. So know that you look good and that somewhere someone wishes they looked like you.

Also, take care of your body. The choices you make now will affect you in the future. Beauty is not eternal and health is not secure. Eat right, exercise, use sunscreen, get into the habit of treating yourself properly. Start now. Right now. Go.

It’s OK to say no. Peer pressure is just a way of getting you to do things you wouldn’t normally do so don’t fall for it. Be your own person because who you are is absolutely good enough. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about yourself or your decisions either. You are awesome. The end.

The memories you are making are priceless. So make good ones that include all the things you love. Friends, laughter, cupcakes, roller coasters, high school, family…live your life with sweet abandonment and enjoy every single moment. You will never get those moments back.

Be. A. Kid. Adulthood sucks. You have less time to be silly & have fun than you do to work & be responsible, so embrace it. Laugh, giggle, have slumber parties, eat cake, go to the park and swing. Know that life is easier & more fantastic as a kid so don’t rush into adulthood and miss all that joy.

I’m sure there are more but I’m kinda done for the day. I have to leave work, pick up Amanda & take her to high school. Today she gets her class schedule & I get to pay for a bunch of stuff. Yay! Good times.

Click here for some vacation pictures. My Vacay


August 4, 2009


I am a big ass loser. Not because I went to a public pool on a Sunday, no. Because my forearm is sore from spraying suntan lotion. I am not kidding. I bought the spray kind, SPF 50 and doused 2 teen girls and myself. Apparently this action was way too much for my body to handle. Not only do I have a sunburn…my forearm hurts. I that pathetic that this small feat has stressed my muscles? I seriously need to be shot. Someone needs to do it for me though because I don’t want to be sore from over exertion.

Public pools are foul. Everyone knows this. Whether it’s the uber hairy Chewbacca guy or the 100 kids peeing as soon as they jump in, it’s a nasty place. The only good thing about a public pool is that no matter how much weight you have gained, how much cellulite you have or how obscenely white you are….there is always, always someone who looks worse than you. I walked my fat, cottage cheesy, white ass away feeling like a freaking beauty queen. It was a good day….especially when Amanda & her friend were yelling ‘Polo’ and they weren’t even in on the game.

Random thought of the day: When is the last time someone tried calling 867-5309?

I am on vacation next week and already every moment is packed with chores. I think it’s sad that I have to take time off to get things done. Vacay starts off with a massage though. I need to do a couple of fabu things whilst on break. Come on! We are also going out for sushi. Then the work begins…..I need to clean house from top to bottom for Amanda’s birthday party. I need to start my diet. I need to renew my license. I need to get Amanda a health card. I need to take Amanda school shopping. We need to get our hairs did. We are selling crap on eBay so need to take pictures and list them. This will be my first time selling anything. I’m sure it will be an adventure. I am ending the vacation with The Lion King. So, it will start with delicious joy and end with delicious entertainment. I guess I should stop complaining. At least I won't be at work.

I’m already tired though. WTF? I guess my real vacation will be in October when I go to NY and do nothing but love on my family and friends. Oh – and happy birthday to my new cousin, Lila Elizabeth. She was welcomed into the world today at 2:30am. Mom and Lila are fine, even with a slight name confusion moment. I was told the baby was named ‘Liza Marie’ when in fact that isn’t her name at all! Haha! These are the things that make my family awesome. Anyway, I am so thrilled to meet Lila in a couple of months.

***Update: Her real name is Lyla Reidys!!! Rawr family!! hahaha!

I have a question. Aren’t high school coaches supposed to ‘coach’ kids and help them learn the game & techniques required to be successful at a sport? Or are they just there to make everyone feel bad about themselves? First of all, I understand that coaches seldom teach ‘real’ classes such as English & History. Coaches typically teach study hall and shop. So, I get that they aren’t the brightest bulb on the tree. However, if you sign up to be a coach, I would hope you understand the job description. Coach. Not expect perfection and when that level isn’t reached say ‘You need all the help you can get so you better get it.’ Are you kidding me? Coach – to give instruction, to train, to direct, to teach. Your only task in life is to help my daughter learn how to play tennis and play fairly well based on her ability. Your job isn’t to make her feel like shit because then she won’t want to do her best. I don’t understand. I guess this is why I’m not a coach because I would give everyone a chance to be the best they could be AND I would do everything I could to make sure they get the education they deserve.

Yes. I’d be the soccer mom out on the field punching someone in the face for not letting the one legged kid play just so they could win. Stupid sports. Anyone want to teach my daughter how to play tennis?

To lighten my mood…here is the latest commercial that made me laugh. Enjoy.