You know what makes me laugh? Reality TV and their taglines. I have been watching A LOT of the Food Network recently. Later I will blame them for the size of my ass but, for now, I just want to run with it. I saw an episode of ‘Chopped’. Typical reality competition. Four chefs try to impress the judges with their cooking finesse and the losers go home. Their parting shot is ‘You’ve been chopped.’ I started trying to remember all the taglines I have heard throughout my addiction to reality TV.
Top Chef: “Pack your knives and go.” (Wait..I had to bring my own knives?)
Fashion Show: “You are hanging by a thread.” (Der.)
Project Runway: “Auf Weidersehen.” (I guess that means I'm out.)
Survivor: “The tribe has spoken.” (But not really…more like the tribe has written.)
The Apprentice: “You’re Fired.” (Mmmmk.)
Beauty & The Geek: “I have to ask you to leave the mansion.” (Damn. I love the mansion.)
The Amazing Race: “I’m sorry to tell you, you’ve both been eliminated from the race.” (Ouch.)
Big Brother: “ ::insert name:::, you are evicted from the Big Brother house.” (Yay! I can check my Facebook.)
The Bachelorette: “ ::insert name::, sorry. Take a moment and say goodbye.” (To who? I hate them all!)
Hell’s Kitchen: “Give me your jacket and leave Hell’s Kitchen.” (Ok! Just stop yelling at me!”)
Via Elisa - The Joe Schmo Show: “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, ::insert name here::, you are dead to us.” (Dun dun dunnnnn...)
I can’t think of any more right now but the clever ones really make me laugh! They are so fabulously corny! I wonder whose job it is to create their elimination parting shot? That’d be a pretty rad job to have. Haha! Damn…I really need to get rid of my TV. Rawr.
PS – Big Brother 11 premiers tomorrow at 8pm! Whooo!
You know what makes me uncomfortable? When people sell stuff at the grocery store entrance. Gawd! I never, never, ever have cash and I always feel like a total douche when I say ‘No, thanks’. They always give me the stink eye. They know I have money somewhere. I’m walking into a damn grocery store! What they don’t know is that all I’m getting is cat food and I’m using my debit card to do so. Does anyone else feel this way? I don’t think solicitors should be allowed at Albertsons. Oh, wait. Only the Girl Scouts can because, hey, everyone loves Girl Scout cookies. Psh! When is cookie time?
You know what is sad? I am. Amanda went to Cali with my mom for 4 days. One would think I would be thrilled to have a mini-mom break. Not having to rush home, no dinner to cook, no convo after a hard day…thrilled!! Nope. Not me. I was pathetic. I was sad and I was lonely! I have forgotten who I am and what I like to do! Holy cow. I have been alone my entire life and in the space of 14.5 years, I have gotten use to not being alone! Ahhh! Who I am is a mom. What I like to do is be with Amanda. I will always be a mom, but I really need to get back to having my own life, too. After all, she will be off to college in 3.5 years and then what? Buy a dog? Ooooh! I’ll buy a dawg. This dawg. I lurve this dawg. I will call her Maggie and then be one of those sad & pathetic lonely dawg people. Yay. Can’t wait.
Special thanks to Gareth for knowing how bored I am without him and sending me this fabu video. Thanks, English. You made my day! xox
“You are the weakest link. Goodbye.”