July 2, 2009

What is Going Schwan?!

Written June 30, 2009

I almost died 3 times yesterday on the way to work. The first time I was minding my own business in the slow lane because I needed to make a right turn about a mile ahead. All of the sudden the Chiquita Banana Lady flies from the fast lane into my lane and nearly side swipes me. I honked my gay horn and she jerked the car back to the middle lane. So, I had the nervous little pinchy nerve thing going on and I continued to drive. I made my right turn and was traveling in the fast lane because I needed to make a left. All of the sudden Minnie Pearl flies at me from the slow lane! I honked my gay horn again and she jerked back to the middle lane. Deja effing vu!! People in Vegas think the road belongs to them and only them. Well, Hey! I’m driving here!! Piss off! So, I made my left turn, hopped into the slow lane and continued my drive to work pissed, thinking I was doomed to die and shaky. All of the sudden a Schwan truck pulls out of the Schwan farm and almost side swipes me!! WTF? Is it because I was talking about Schwan in a previous blog? Has my invisibility mode taken over my car? What is going Schwan?!?! (Thanks, Elisa!) It was indeed a perilous adventure, but I survived. Stupid drivers need to hang up their phones, pay attention and play by the rules of the road. Beep beep! My horn is so gay. Rawr.

My most un-favorite holiday is around the corner. The 4th of July. Yea, yea, who cares? I am clearly un-‘American’. I don’t like apple pie, I haven’t liked the president for a huge part of my life, I don’t eat hot dogs, I don’t own an American Flag, I’m not patriotic, I’d rather live in Europe..and I don’t like Independence Day.

It is 110 in the desert, so…no, I don’t want to BBQ. Sorry. I don’t want to buy fireworks from the illegals. I don’t want my ignorant neighbors trying to burn my house down with said fireworks. I also don’t want them scattering their refuse all over my property. Hey, I know! Let’s get tons of idiots drunk and hand them explosives. Yay! Gawd Bless America. My quiet home life turns into chaos and disarray. The pets freak out and rightfully so. Don’t get me wrong, I love fireworks but professionally done. I love BBQ’s but in cooler weather. I love the freedom I have even though we built this country on land we stole from those who don’t have a garish display of holiday fortitude. So, yea, to all of you I have pissed off…blame it on my being a liberal, tree hugging hippie.

Happy 4th! haha


Random things you hear in the office:
Worker #1: “It’s so big.”
Worker #2 ‘It’s going to be a long night.’
Teehee! They were talking about an agenda. :D

I have decided to, on occasion; give a friend a little blog love. Short & sweet. I will pick someone different each time…until I run out of lovely friends. Oh, and don’t worry; the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Haha!

Sometimes life gets so busy and we tend to forget to tell those treasures in your life how you feel about them. I want my friends to know I love them. I want my friends to know they are appreciated. I want my friends to know they are joyous additions to my life.

Today I choose ‘Lilacs’. You know who you are.

Dear Lilacs,

I love when you send me surprise texts telling me that you love & miss me. That makes me feel truly wonderful. I love that you pushed your boobs against my sliding glass door. That makes me laugh incessantly…still. I love that you drink with me in the movie theater. That makes me cheery and light. I love that you love my daughter and gave her a brother. That makes my heart sing. I love that you learned the Soulja Boy dance with me. That made me amazed at your skills. I love that you make treasures out of Styrofoam cups. That makes me oddly proud. I love when you dare me to lick dirty ice and I do. That makes me feel like I’m making you oddly proud. I love when you make farting noises with me in a spa. That makes me pee my pants and will go down in history as one of the best times of my life. You are incredible in so many ways and I love every single moment of delight you give to me. Thank you.



1 comment:

  1. I'm so happy you are back on blogger! I can follow you and not miss anything again :) WooHoo! Kelly is back!!!