July 2, 2009

Pondering is Sometimes a Serious Thing

I’ve had a very interesting week, to say the least. In the midst of partying, puking and pulling through…I managed to accomplish some pondering. Not the laughing, joking, goofy, stupid take on things that I normally have. Nay…this is a more serious, contemplative blog.

Human beings are amazing creatures. Amazingly good….amazingly bad…amazingly neutral…..AND amazingly insane. In every way, shape and form, this statement rings of truth.

I pondered a bit on unrequited love. We’ve all been both a victim and villain to this. I wonder at why we don’t remember how the other felt. For example, I loved Alan. He didn’t love me back. He Who Shall Not Be Named loved me. I didn’t love him back. Why didn’t I remember how difficult a pill it was to swallow and be nicer to He? Why did I become emotionally unavailable when A shoved the pill down my throat instead of taking it for what is was and moving on? It’s crazy, isn’t it? We become so wrapped up in the moment that we don’t step outside and look at the whole picture. Take a look around. It’s not karma acting in some sort of payback, it’s not luck turning it’s back on you, it’s not you, it’s not them. It’s just life. I should have been nicer to He. I should have told A I understood instead of giving him a bloody nose. I should have been nicer to a lot of people because it’s not their fault that the connection didn’t reach me. They, perhaps, should have been nicer in the announcement of something missing. Is it my fault? Was it Alan’s fault? No. It just wasn’t meant to be.

This also caused me to ponder dating. I made a conscious effort to start dating this year. Say yes instead of no, remember? I have been on a couple of dates so far and I have been less than impressed. I don’t understand the games. I’m not a game player. I don’t play them with significant others, friends or family…I just don’t do it. I’m not good at it and, quite honestly, I don’t have the time or interest. If you are playing games, I will dismiss you. Point blank. I’m not an ego stroker. I’m not a coddler. I’m not professing my adoration unless I feel it. I am intelligent, strong, opinionated but, most of all, a really good person. So, why is it that if I don’t join in on the reindeer games, I become the bitch..the whore..the spawn of Satan? Why? Because I won’t do these things? Because I don’t fall madly in clingy love with you at first drink? Because I don’t make you the top and sole priority of my life? Listen….if I like you, you will know. If I don’t, I assure you, you will know that as well. After 1 ½ years of not dating, I remembered why I don’t. Simply because I hate being the bad guy or the target for your contempt. Again…you can’t choose who you like, dislike, love, don’t love. It is what it is….unless, of course, it isn’t.

Game playing led me to pondering friendships. You become friends with people for different reasons. One may be totally stupid. One may have a teenager. One may be a single mom. One may make you laugh. One may give advice. Not every friend is like the other and I think that’s the beauty of it. I don’t want all my friends to be the same! The fact that they aren’t makes my life more beautiful! This also does not mean that each of your friends will be friends. In my book, that isn’t even a requirement. I don’t like a lot of my friend’s friends and I don’t have to. They aren’t part of my world. I also don’t judge people based on their relationships with others. Good friends don’t. I once had a conversation at a bar…where many a good conversation are had….about dating someone your friends didn’t like. I was told that good friends accept whomever you let in your life, whether they like him or not, simply because he makes you happy. That is awesome! Although, it’s way cooler when your friends like your significant other but good friends don’t think it’s a necessity. I was also told last night that good friends won’t make you choose. They will also keep it to themselves unless, of course, you are in danger. No one is perfect. We all incorporate good and bad. Sometimes more of one than the other. Your friends are the ones who love you equally during both. That’s truly amazing.

I also pondered life. I happened to look at my hands while I was driving to work, in the stark daylight, and I saw it. Old age. To much sunning in the 80’s, not enough sunscreen. Damn it! My heart stopped, I gasped slightly and I tried to mentally rewind. I dared to look in the mirror on my sunshade….same reaction. Oh, God!!! I somehow missed the fact that I am getting older. I don’t mentally feel almost 40. I didn’t think I visually looked almost 40. But….I do. I am classified in the Generation X category which is being born between the years 1965-1980. X is tagged with the reputation of being apathetic, cynical, disaffected, streetwise, loners and slackers…yet….have also been said to have a hazy sense of identity. I have a pretty clear sense of my identity. Old. I have no right to sit and question where time went, or what have I done with my life. Nor do I want to turn back the hands of time. I want to grow old gracefully. How in the hell do I achieve grace when I look in the mirror and the 21 year old is gone? This may have been because I went to see Bucket List on Sunday. The movie was ok but the concept was fabulous. It reiterated the fact that I do everything I want in life. I skydive. I go to Europe. I surf. I live. I laugh. I love. How can I be sad and yearn for younger days when I have accomplished and experienced so much? That’s selfish. I am at an age where I know who I am. I am aware of my faults. I am aware of my flair. I am smarter, stronger and more at ease with myself than I have ever been. Why does the sight of wrinkles or age spots make me start to crumble?

This all takes me back to the beginning. Human beings are amazing creatures. Amazingly good….amazingly bad…amazingly neutral…..AND amazingly insane. The truly outstanding ones are a little bit of each and a lot of so much more. So, through the roller coaster of life; the ups, the downs, the twists, the turns, the inverts, the slow and the fast, don’t forget to enjoy yourself. It’s a one time ride. Sometimes I forget that.


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