July 2, 2009

My Name is Michael, I Got a Nickel!

Written March 11, 2009

I had to sit in the ER this weekend for 4 hours. I was starving and alone so, of course, my thoughts began revolving around food. I was thinking about foods that sound vaguely sexual to those with perverted minds…like me. Also, I have been seeing a lot of Spotted Dick references lately, which..ahem…didn’t help matters. It’s always a good time when I am in Cost Plus with my friends and we see a can of Spotted Dick. Hilarity ensues and it never grows old. Never. What really makes me laugh is that England has the most foods with pervy names!! So much for being proper, Queen Elizabeth! Psh.

Here are some other foods that make me giggle like a school girl:

Fish Taco
Corn Nuts

Then there are sushi roll names. I love when the Japanese get involved with the perv and throw out options such as ‘Screaming Orgasm’ and ‘Taste like My Last Girlfriend’. This kind of shit kills me! Haha!

Have you ever noticed the ‘creepy chick voice’? Women are notorious for this. For example, my voice automatically goes up an octave when I answer my work phone. I always hang up and ask Elisa what the hell happened to my voice. She has noticed the same thing with me, herself & other women. It’s always when women are worked up about something, upset, excited, angry, drunk, etc. Their normal speaking voice takes on a shrill quality that is truly obnoxious..and uncontrollable. We know it will happen, we know when it is happening, we just can’t seem to put on the brakes and make it stop. No wonder men just want us to shut up. Holy hell, I want me to shut up.

Not Michael though. Michael loves when I talk, almost as much as he loves when he talks. Michael is my new boyfriend. His dad lives across the street. Michael..is 8. Michael…as any typical 8 year old boy…does not shut up. Michael…as any other 8 year old…will say exactly what is on his mind. He told me that he agrees with me that I am the crazy cat lady. He also added that while many people in the neighborhood think I am mean, he doesn’t. He only thinks I am mean sometimes. Whew. So, while I spent the afternoon with Michael’s head up my ass chattering away about Pro Wrestling, skateboarding and Lucky Charms, I came to another mind altering decision. I want to be a Golden Girl.

The conundrum is who will be a Golden Girl with me and what role will each of us play? I’ve inducted, my friend from days gone by, Jill. I’ve also inducted Elisa and Sheshie. Hey..I can have as many Golden Girls as I want! Anyway, I was wondering who would be who in the Golden Girls remake and look what I found: Golden Girl

You are ”Dorothy Zbornak”, played by Beatrice Arthur on the show. Like Dorothy, you are quick witted, sarcastic, and highly intelligent. Although you may not have many dates, you offer the most sound advice when it comes to men. You are a loyal friend who has a deep appreciation for cheesecake, books, and teaching young people. Your signature line is: ”Chew carefully, Ma…just like they taught you at Shady Pines…”

I am Maude?!? God. Fine. Whatever. As long as we have a really cool theme song, I’ll be freaking dried up Maude.

Am I twisted that I discuss pervy foods and 8 year olds in the same blog? What the hell is wrong with me??! I think I’m losing my mind.

Michael says ‘hi’ to me every time I walk outside…even if it’s only 2 minutes later from the last time he said ‘hi’.

I stay inside now.


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