July 2, 2009

Moaner Lisa

Written January 17, 2008

Legend and lore has given us beasts such as banshees, unicorns, mermaids, centaurs, fairies, ogres, dragons, and so much more. Everyone has heard of such creatures, BUT, not everyone has seen one. Apparently, there are many tricks involved in mystical sightings. For example, only beautiful, young virgins are able to see the unicorn. (Guess I can cross that one off my list!) Well, Amanda & I had the rather disturbing misfortune to witness such a creature. The Moaner. The Moaner is a rare creature that is seen at the most mundane moments in time, such as standing in line at Blockbuster Video. This Moaner was blonde, early 50’s, worn, sloppy, tired and she elicited her moans approximately every 2.5 seconds. If only I would have had my camera! I would have had proof! I could have called the National Enquirer! Amanda named our Moaner, Lisa. How very cute and clever. So, if anyone catches sight of The Moaner, just ignore it and hopefully it will go away. Ours did.

What is the deal with men growing a long pinky nail? Remember in the 80’s when all the drug addicts would grow their pinky nail to use as a coke spoon? Oh…sorry. I do. I wonder if that is still the reason? We went to Taco Smell over the weekend and the drive thru nasty guy had a pinky nail. Does he not know it’s there? Did he bite all the others and the drive thru just got busy before he got to that one? Did it touch my burrito?? What the hell, Jose? :::shudder::

Speaking of Taco Smell, my first real job was working in a New York Deli. Even in New York, customer service was key. Yes, I know…surprising. However, we knew that our job was to enhance the customer’s experience. We were there to not only cut Boars Head Ham but to also succeed in bringing the customer back. My creed was ‘You will be judged by what you do, not what you say.’ Granted, I’m not saying all people who work in customer service industry are horrible but these Taco Smell people were. Stunningly horrible. My question is this, is customer service becoming a lost art?

How is it possible that I have a planetary pimple on my chin and I’m almost 40…I mean 36? Haven’t my hormones figured out that they have more mature things that they should be doing? Like…graying my hair? Wrinkling my eyes? Oh…wait…they are doing those things. Well, shouldn’t they be busy doing that and leave the Pluto sized pimples off their ‘to-do’ list? Tami told me to put toothpaste on it. This I have never tried but I’m open to new experiences. So after a tussle between which brand to use, I chose Crest and dabbed it on the offensive area before bed. Crest burns your face off. I can’t believe I have brushed my teeth with this stuff, not to mention put it on my face! I still feel like the mole guy in Austin Powers. ‘Cut it off, chop it off, and make guacamole!’ only it’s not black and hairy.

I want to go see The Bucket List but no one wants to see it. I think it’s such a great concept and who doesn’t love Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson? Come on! I have a mental Bucket List. I wasn’t as clever as the writers because mine is just called ‘Things I Want to Do before I Die.’ My list isn’t that long because I generally do the things I want to do. Skydive, Ireland, Italy….I do them. This is why I will be in debt forever but I think you should enjoy life now. Now. I want to die with memories of awesome adventures instead of money in the bank or a clean house or the nicest purse collection. I even have the book ‘2001 Things to Do Before You Die.’ I’ve checked off about 3/4 of the book but there is still so much to do! So, who wants to go see The Bucket List with me? I could use some more ideas for mine.

Enjoy your weekend and, for those lucky few, MLK day off!


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