July 2, 2009

Adieu & Eff You

Written on January 2, 2008

I interrupt the normal Friday blog to bring you all the things I cannot say on this day. All the things that I want to say…would love to say….would kill to say but can’t. I cannot burn bridges. I cannot be unprofessional. I cannot say what I truly want to say.

I can….vent here. Here. The woodlands that house the normal gushing of my mental chaos. I can release all the anguish, anger, disappointment, disgust, loathing, revulsion, and every negative, horror ridden feeling that I have carried within me 5 days a week, 8 hours a day, over the past 1 ½ years.

Fuck you for lying to me about this position. For making me believe I would be lending my hand in saving the environment. For making me think I would be making the world a better place. For making Las Vegas a healthier, more sanitary and environmentally conscious place to live. For making me believe that I would make a difference and that I would go home at night knowing that I did.

Fuck you for lying to me about the salary. Fuck me for never signing anything to prove otherwise. You lied to me and made me think I would be making more money. When I confronted you about it, you made it seem like I was the liar. The money wasn’t the issue. Your lying was.

Fuck you for telling me my daughter couldn’t call to let me know she got home from school ok. That she was not allowed to call the office unless there was an emergency. Yet, your drunken, ignorant wife could call 10 times a day, so you could yell and act like the stupid ass you are, over the telephone.

Fuck you for telling a potential employer “off the record” that I wasn’t smart and didn’t do anything of any importance.

Fuck you for telling me I was only hired to sit in front and look pretty. I have spent my entire life proving to ignorant masses of flesh, like yourself, that while I may be a pretty blonde, I am anything but ignorant. You are a fool for thinking I was nothing more.

Fuck you for saying that there shouldn’t be medicine in the world so that people with diseases wouldn’t be alive.

Fuck you for saying that the natural order of things should eliminate all the diseased and sick so that the world would be a better place. Fuck you for saying that people with disease shouldn’t breed because they are just spreading the disease with their children. Fuck you for being so colossally ignorant and arrogant that you believe that you, yourself, would be alive were there not any medicine available in this world. Fuck you for insulting myself and my daughter like no person has ever done before. For this, alone, I hope you spend the rest of your days in a miserable state of hell.

Fuck you for the hundred other little things you have said or done during my moment here. Your middle management mindset has never ceased to amaze me. So amidst all the evil thoughts of your demise that I can now let go, I want to thank you. Just for one thing…just for one instance. Thank you for being the most vile waste of space I have ever encountered. You made me look for a new job when I usually stick and settle in. You made me try harder than I have ever tried to escape the entity that disgusted me. Without your connections, without your stupidity, without your hateful aura surrounding me constantly, I would have never found my new position. The position that I acquired, not only by my skill, but by my personality. The same skills and personality that you chose to stamp out, a City Manager and Mayor chose to let shine. How sad for you to have missed out on all that I am and all that I am capable of. How sad.

After this day, I will forget you and continue to show the world how brightly I can shine.


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