July 29, 2009

Why Can't You Be Blue Over Me?

I can’t help but wonder how many people love their job. Exactly how many people actually look forward to going to work every day? I don’t. I wish I did. But I don’t.

I think it’s funny how when you are young, the number one question any adult will ask is ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ The answer changes often. A teacher! No, a doctor! No, a fireman! No, a marine biologist! No, a photographer! No, a clown!! 9 times out of 10 you end up being none of those things. Cripes! 9 times out of 10 you aren’t even working in the same field in which you got your college degree.

So, why do we do it? Has adulthood become all about titles, salary and status and less about passion, love and interest? Confucius said ‘Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life.’ That Confucius was a smart dude.

I know many of you have asked yourself this very same question. “What is the most effed up commercial ever?” I have the answer. You’re welcome.



I will never smoke again. Ever.

Let’s see, what else. I have been thinking about debt lately. Isn’t everyone in debt? Honestly. I never have cash and always use my debit card. For this reason alone, I feel like I always have money. Like there is no limit to the fun I can have. There is, but you know what I mean. I am wondering if it would be a better idea to take out a set amount of cash for the week. Then, if I run out....I can use my debit card. Haha! NO! Just kidding. If I run out of cash, I’m done. No more Starbucks or cupcakes. My only problem with that is how much cash do I allow for the week? Grocery shopping, gas, cawfee, entertainment. I suck at budgeting and anything that involves math. I need someone to tell me. Actually, I just need someone to take care of me. So, I guess it’s official. I either need to marry a rich man or a frugal man. Rich would be better, der, but frugal would balance me out. While I’m still taking applications for a rich husband, I will also consider applications for a financially responsible husband. Haha!

In the meantime, send me the names of anyone who falls into either category. I’ll enter them into the love calculator and see if it’s worth looking into. Thanks.

Oh, and by the way, blue M&M’s mend spinal injuries. The downside? You turn blue for a while. I think this would be super fun. My spine would be healed & I’d be blue. I would totally say things like ‘Oh, I’m feeling blue.’ and sign my name ‘Smurfette’ and randomly shout ‘Go, Toronto!!’ Yea…that’s what I’d do….if I were blue.





















To read the article, click here: Blue M&M's

*Peace.

July 23, 2009

Cyber Flirt

I am a cyber flirt. I am. I’ll admit it. If there is some sort of support group, sign me up. ‘Hi, my name is Kelly and I am a cyber flirt.’

I don’t think I know how to flirt in person, which is weird. Did I forget? Did I ever really know how to flirt? Why does it only come out online? Am I good at it? Haha! I don’t have the answers. Sorry. Maybe I do know how to flirt….maybe. I don’t think I’ve ever been an ‘in your face’ flirt. I am when I have the safety of technology as buffer, though. But, in real life, I’m more the subtle ‘did you catch on?’ flirt. You have to be really paying attention to notice.

What I do know is that I am allowed to flirt. I am single. Period. New line. I’ve had people ask me about my flirting. Often. When asked about my flirtatious behavior, there is usually a negative undertone…like I am doing something wrong. This caused me to question ‘Is flirting wrong?’ My answer was ‘As long as I’m not flirting with your husband, there’s no need for you to worry.’

I am pretty sure there are flirting rules, but I grew up living with my grandfather. It’s not like we sat down over our TV dinners while watching 60 minutes and discussed how to flirt. I think it’s something that comes naturally to some and not so much to others. I wonder if there is a Flirting 101 class offered somewhere. Like after Zumba and before Spin. Where do I sign up? There are definitely different kinds of flirts, I think.

The ‘I’m bored & need some attention’ flirt.
The ‘I’m feeling playful & you’re fun’ flirt.
The ‘I’m looking to hook up’ flirt.
The ‘going to the chapel’ flirt.

I am definitely a lot of #1 and #2. I’m pretty certain you can figure out the details of each flirt. If you need help, let me know and I’ll send you the definitions.

Do I have a point? Not at all. If my writing fell under a flirting umbrella, I would say it would be placed in the ‘I’m bored & need some attention’ category. *yawn*

Someone once said the 3 worst things about Las Vegas are June, July & August. During the summer, most locals become vampires. Vegas vampires. It is too hot to go outside during the day so everything we do is after dark. ::wink wink nudge nudge:: It is 111 every day and the relentless sun beats down constantly. Now, I know everyone back East & in the Mid West are saying ‘It’s a dry heat!’ Yea, that makes the Vegas vampires want to punch you in the baby maker. Hot is hot. 111 with zero humidity is an oven.

Holy crap! There is a movie!












And a book series!!! (kinda)










Wow. Ok. I'm boring even myself so I'm off to find a vampire to flirt with online.

*Peace.

July 14, 2009

No Escape Route

Here is yet another Starbucks rant. Why aren’t there any escape routes in the drive thru lane? Friday morning, Amanda had a 9am tennis lesson. Too damn early for me and my day off so I needed my caffeine IV. I pulled into a line of about 4 cars and waited….and waited……and waited. I looked in my rear view mirror and there were 2 cars behind me. I finally advanced forward one step…and waited….and waited…and waited. 20 minutes later there are 6 cars behind me, I am pissed off and paying the usual obscene amount for my liquid crack. Several times throughout my wait, I wondered how to escape. We were going to be late and I hate being late. I wanted to make a break for it and leave but you can’t! They won’t let you! Starbucks denies you an escape route so that you are forced into making the purchase whether you want to or not. You could be having a heart attack at the wheel but you would still have to wait, pull forward and pay before you could leave to seek medical attention. Rawr.

My latest TV commercial fascination is the Prius commercials. I love, love, love their ingenuity. Seriously. It is one of the most creatively pleasing commercials I have ever seen. They combine nature, people and vehicles smoothly and beautifully. The first time I saw the commercial, I was like ‘Holy crap! Those are people! The sun is people, the trees are people, and the flowers are people! WOW!’ I was amazed and hooked. I have Tivo so I skip commercials but this one I will watch. It makes me smile every time. I want to test drive a Prius now! Click here to see the ‘Harmony’ commercial, see how it was made & download ‘Let Your Love Flow’ by Petra Haden: Toyota Prius

Big Brother 11….another TV fascination. It’s like being a legal stalker..I love it! I don’t love Julie Chen though. Why does she slather baby oil all over her legs? It looks gross. I will stay tuned every episode just to see if she still has greasy legs. Ew. Anyway, this year the theme is high school cliques. Athletes, Offbeats, Brains, Popular. Right now I am loving the Offbeats but I reserve the right to change my love. Thanks. Every year I make up nicknames for the household. I already have a few and, oddly enough, they stem from when I was in high school.

Vanilla Ice - Casey
Tattoo You - Lydia
Roid - Russell
Jeff Spicoli - Braden
Butter Face – Laura

Ugh…and I can’t believe Jesse is back. *gag* What clique were you in during high school?

While I’m on the ‘entertainment’ run, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince opens tomorrow. I love the Harry Potter movies, I do. I’ll admit it. Like Twilight, I have only read the first book but I am still highly entertained by these movies. This year, maybe even more so. This is the first movie since Daniel Radcliffe appeared nudey with a horse!! *gasp* Gawd…how can I get that visual out of my head? It’s too pervy to take up residence in there! I need to think about Muggles, Dumbledore and booger flavored jelly beans instead of Hairy Twa…I mean Harry Potter. Yikes. Moving on…ahem...or maybe not....















Teehee!! Sorry. Had to pull you into the pedophile zone. haha!

Ok...now moving on...for real. :)

Once again, it’s time for Friendship Blog Love.

Dear BFFLYLAS,

We met in 1978. That’s right….1978. I had no idea how much I needed you and no idea how lonely I was. You were the breath of fresh air that saved me. You were the only sure thing I ever knew. You knew me before I was sick, before I had boobs, before my first kiss, before I failed, before I was hurt, before I became a mom, before I knew who I truly was. You have been the one constant in my life and will always be. So, thank you for going to the pond that day. For that, I learned about destiny. Thank you for teaching me about family and showing me that dinner every night at 5pm was important. For that, I am a wonderful mother. Thank you for teaching me how to behave, dress, look and smell like a girl. For that, I am only a hippie in spirit. Haha! Thank you for not letting your brother shoot me with his bb gun. For that, I learned compromise. Thank you for meeting me half way. For that, I learned cooperation. Thank you for going skinny dipping, rafting down our stream & wandering in the woods with me. For that, I developed my sense of adventure. Thank you for flashing the Hasidic Jews with me. For that, I learned about irony. Thank you for paddling to the middle of Lake Sacandaga with me. For that, I learned about teamwork. Thank you for the funky makeup sessions and letting me sing Prince songs. For that, I learned comedic entertainment. Thank you for sitting on the porch swing with me. For that, I learned about comfortable companionship. Thank you for trying out for cheerleading even though you didn’t want to. For that, I learned loyalty. Thank you for loving me even when I was a douche. For that, I learned forgiveness. Thank you for singing with me at Great Adventure and Lake George. For that, I learned about talent…or lack thereof. Haha! Thank you for taking me to Taconic, the Kerhonkson pool and Saugerties to shop. For that, I learned that family outings & closeness were incomparable. Most of all thank you for teaching me what true friendship was. For that, I learned unconditional love. You are my very best friend, the home for my spirit, the joy in my heart and the hug when I need it. You are my safe haven and my giggle fest. I cannot imagine a world without you in it. Thank you for being you, exactly as you are. Love ya.




















*Peace.

July 8, 2009

You Know What?

You know what makes me laugh? Reality TV and their taglines. I have been watching A LOT of the Food Network recently. Later I will blame them for the size of my ass but, for now, I just want to run with it. I saw an episode of ‘Chopped’. Typical reality competition. Four chefs try to impress the judges with their cooking finesse and the losers go home. Their parting shot is ‘You’ve been chopped.’ I started trying to remember all the taglines I have heard throughout my addiction to reality TV.

Top Chef: “Pack your knives and go.” (Wait..I had to bring my own knives?)
Fashion Show: “You are hanging by a thread.” (Der.)
Project Runway: “Auf Weidersehen.” (I guess that means I'm out.)
Survivor: “The tribe has spoken.” (But not really…more like the tribe has written.)
The Apprentice: “You’re Fired.” (Mmmmk.)
Beauty & The Geek: “I have to ask you to leave the mansion.” (Damn. I love the mansion.)
The Amazing Race: “I’m sorry to tell you, you’ve both been eliminated from the race.” (Ouch.)
Big Brother: “ ::insert name:::, you are evicted from the Big Brother house.” (Yay! I can check my Facebook.)
The Bachelorette: “ ::insert name::, sorry. Take a moment and say goodbye.” (To who? I hate them all!)
Hell’s Kitchen: “Give me your jacket and leave Hell’s Kitchen.” (Ok! Just stop yelling at me!”)


Via Elisa - The Joe Schmo Show: “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, ::insert name here::, you are dead to us.” (Dun dun dunnnnn...)

I can’t think of any more right now but the clever ones really make me laugh! They are so fabulously corny! I wonder whose job it is to create their elimination parting shot? That’d be a pretty rad job to have. Haha! Damn…I really need to get rid of my TV. Rawr.

PS – Big Brother 11 premiers tomorrow at 8pm! Whooo!





You know what makes me uncomfortable? When people sell stuff at the grocery store entrance. Gawd! I never, never, ever have cash and I always feel like a total douche when I say ‘No, thanks’. They always give me the stink eye. They know I have money somewhere. I’m walking into a damn grocery store! What they don’t know is that all I’m getting is cat food and I’m using my debit card to do so. Does anyone else feel this way? I don’t think solicitors should be allowed at Albertsons. Oh, wait. Only the Girl Scouts can because, hey, everyone loves Girl Scout cookies. Psh! When is cookie time?

You know what is sad? I am. Amanda went to Cali with my mom for 4 days. One would think I would be thrilled to have a mini-mom break. Not having to rush home, no dinner to cook, no convo after a hard day…thrilled!! Nope. Not me. I was pathetic. I was sad and I was lonely! I have forgotten who I am and what I like to do! Holy cow. I have been alone my entire life and in the space of 14.5 years, I have gotten use to not being alone! Ahhh! Who I am is a mom. What I like to do is be with Amanda. I will always be a mom, but I really need to get back to having my own life, too. After all, she will be off to college in 3.5 years and then what? Buy a dog? Ooooh! I’ll buy a dawg. This dawg. I lurve this dawg. I will call her Maggie and then be one of those sad & pathetic lonely dawg people. Yay. Can’t wait.













Special thanks to Gareth for knowing how bored I am without him and sending me this fabu video. Thanks, English. You made my day! xox


video


“You are the weakest link. Goodbye.”

*Peace.

July 2, 2009

What is Going Schwan?!

Written June 30, 2009


I almost died 3 times yesterday on the way to work. The first time I was minding my own business in the slow lane because I needed to make a right turn about a mile ahead. All of the sudden the Chiquita Banana Lady flies from the fast lane into my lane and nearly side swipes me. I honked my gay horn and she jerked the car back to the middle lane. So, I had the nervous little pinchy nerve thing going on and I continued to drive. I made my right turn and was traveling in the fast lane because I needed to make a left. All of the sudden Minnie Pearl flies at me from the slow lane! I honked my gay horn again and she jerked back to the middle lane. Deja effing vu!! People in Vegas think the road belongs to them and only them. Well, Hey! I’m driving here!! Piss off! So, I made my left turn, hopped into the slow lane and continued my drive to work pissed, thinking I was doomed to die and shaky. All of the sudden a Schwan truck pulls out of the Schwan farm and almost side swipes me!! WTF? Is it because I was talking about Schwan in a previous blog? Has my invisibility mode taken over my car? What is going Schwan?!?! (Thanks, Elisa!) It was indeed a perilous adventure, but I survived. Stupid drivers need to hang up their phones, pay attention and play by the rules of the road. Beep beep! My horn is so gay. Rawr.

My most un-favorite holiday is around the corner. The 4th of July. Yea, yea, who cares? I am clearly un-‘American’. I don’t like apple pie, I haven’t liked the president for a huge part of my life, I don’t eat hot dogs, I don’t own an American Flag, I’m not patriotic, I’d rather live in Europe..and I don’t like Independence Day.

It is 110 in the desert, so…no, I don’t want to BBQ. Sorry. I don’t want to buy fireworks from the illegals. I don’t want my ignorant neighbors trying to burn my house down with said fireworks. I also don’t want them scattering their refuse all over my property. Hey, I know! Let’s get tons of idiots drunk and hand them explosives. Yay! Gawd Bless America. My quiet home life turns into chaos and disarray. The pets freak out and rightfully so. Don’t get me wrong, I love fireworks but professionally done. I love BBQ’s but in cooler weather. I love the freedom I have even though we built this country on land we stole from those who don’t have a garish display of holiday fortitude. So, yea, to all of you I have pissed off…blame it on my being a liberal, tree hugging hippie.

Happy 4th! haha

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Random things you hear in the office:
Worker #1: “It’s so big.”
Worker #2 ‘It’s going to be a long night.’
Teehee! They were talking about an agenda. :D

I have decided to, on occasion; give a friend a little blog love. Short & sweet. I will pick someone different each time…until I run out of lovely friends. Oh, and don’t worry; the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Haha!

Sometimes life gets so busy and we tend to forget to tell those treasures in your life how you feel about them. I want my friends to know I love them. I want my friends to know they are appreciated. I want my friends to know they are joyous additions to my life.

Today I choose ‘Lilacs’. You know who you are.

Dear Lilacs,

I love when you send me surprise texts telling me that you love & miss me. That makes me feel truly wonderful. I love that you pushed your boobs against my sliding glass door. That makes me laugh incessantly…still. I love that you drink with me in the movie theater. That makes me cheery and light. I love that you love my daughter and gave her a brother. That makes my heart sing. I love that you learned the Soulja Boy dance with me. That made me amazed at your skills. I love that you make treasures out of Styrofoam cups. That makes me oddly proud. I love when you dare me to lick dirty ice and I do. That makes me feel like I’m making you oddly proud. I love when you make farting noises with me in a spa. That makes me pee my pants and will go down in history as one of the best times of my life. You are incredible in so many ways and I love every single moment of delight you give to me. Thank you.

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*Peace.

I Am Not A'mew'sed

Written June 24, 2009



Dear Cats,

I have blocked the cat door so that you cannot go outside. No matter how long you lay there and stare at the door, it will not magically open. No matter how long you stare at me, I will not open it. Yes, you are being punished. You are grounded, so to speak, for an indeterminable amount of time. Why? You ask? Here are the many reasons why:

Over the past two weeks, I have picked up dead lizard carcasses, chased a tail-less lizard around my kitchen, picked up said tail…which was still twitching…and swatted big buzzing bugs out my front door with a broom. I have vacuumed up leaves and debris that secretly lives in your fur, as well as, random chunks of cat hair because you two fight all the time.

You hop in front of the computer while I am using it. You refuse to vomit on the tile. You insist on making noise all night long like a rowdy teenager. Making biscuits on my leg may feel good to you but it hurts me. Yawning in my face grosses me out because you smell like fish & ass. You trip me when I wake up and try to get to the kitchen to make cawfee. You trip me while walking into the house after work. My toes are not toys. My tuna is not your tuna. My clothes are not your bed.

Here’s the deal, Cats. I feed you, clean up your shit, and buy you fun toys and give you catnip so you can get high. I pet you when you want to be petted. I leave you alone when you want to be left alone. I let you sleep on my pillow and on my furniture. I let you rip my skin to shreds during play time. I allow you free reign of both the indoors and outdoors. I also talk to you, for cripes sake, like a crazy person. I allow both of you to take up residence in my home and this alone has pegged me as the cat lady. In fact, you have doomed me to singledom just by being you and I have allowed it.

It is very important that you know that I do not need you to bring me dinner in the form of lizards…dead or alive. I am capable of cooking for myself. I do not need you to bring me play things in the form of buzzing bugs. Thank you, but I don’t want to play. Also, you two live in the same house. You two have the same human. Stop fighting. The only boss here is me. Deal with it.

You have one option. Be better at your job. Purr. Roll on your back when you see me. Sleep. Be cute. If you don’t, I will put you in a box, stand in front of Walmart and tell people that you are not only free but the best cats ever. I will make up some sob story about having to move home to NY to be with a dying friend and can’t bring you along. I will and I will be convincing, too. Your next human may not buy you the kitty treats you love. Keep that in mind.

Love, Your Human



*Peace.

Randomosity

Written June 16, 2009


In honor of my randomosity, I shall dedicate this blog to the art of being random. I seriously wish my brain had an off button. No wonder I sleep so much. It’s the only time I have peace and quiet. So, to clear out some mental space, here are some things that I have been thinking about this week.

A. Whatever happened to the old Wheel of Fortune? The one that had the shopping segment. Does anyone remember? If you won the round, you could take whatever money you had and buy crap. Crazy crap. Like…the dog statue or the picnic basket or the gold lighter. That’s was fabu. I might watch the Wheel of Fortune again if they still had the shopping. I boycotted the show when they didn’t choose Bill & I for ‘Best Friends Week’. Jerks.



It's long but has the shopping!


B. I have wondered what it would be like to drive my car up one of those trucks with the ramps on them. You know, the big 18 wheelers that carry cars…only…the one without cars. Every time I am behind one on the freeway, I think about punching it and flying up. I guess this falls into the category of driving off the spaghetti bowl just to see what happens. Yes, yes, I know I would get hurt. No, no, I’m not suicidal. Just curious.

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C. If you owned a beauty supply store, wouldn’t you have to hire beautiful women with good makeup? I think this would be a given. I went into Sally’s Beauty Supply..that’s right! I said it!!...to buy some turquoise hair dye for Amanda. The lady at the register looked like the crypt keeper from my A Man Duh entry, only a tad bit younger….yikes. Why would someone want to buy beauty supplies from the crypt keeper? Ugh.


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D. Who really orders Schwan food? I mean, they have been in business forever so someone must. I remember being a child and seeing the delivery truck. I always thought it was an ice cream truck. I mean, they have ice cream but it didn’t have scary duck quacking music. Anyway, I just Google’d Schwann. They have been in business since 1952. Holy crap! People must like home delivery food. I guess I just haven’t come to that level of laziness yet but I’m sure I will.

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E. Stupid family stickers. Again, I have to write about this. Why do these things drive me insane? Is it because any serial killer would know you have a husband, 3 kids, 2 cats and a dog? Is it because you are advertising your lack of birth control usage? Is it because you slap Mickey ears on every family member so my daughter says ‘It’s a sign!! Let’s go to Disney!’ I don’t know. Maybe a combination of all. I wonder if I could get a stupid family sticker of me, hitting my daughter, kicking my cats & flipping you the bird. That’d be awesome.


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F. When did police cars turn into taxi cabs? I was driving to work yesterday and saw this guy. Never have I seen this before. ‘Out of Service’ really? What if I sped by? What if I made a right turn without using my blinker? What if I was being car jacked at the same light we were stopped at? What would happen? Would you continue to munch on your donut, shrug your shoulders and tell me you are off duty? Weird.

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That's all I can remember right now. I hope you enjoyed the visual accompaniments. I really need to start writing things down in my handy dandy crackberry. Which reminds me....I need to blog about Ipod Random and the Misadventures of the Crackberry. Eh. Maybe next week.

Also, check out my thumbroll for new 2 thumbs up additions!


*Peace.

Jury Duty Enlightenment

Written June 9, 2009


Jury Duty is an experience. It’s also fun to say duty, isn’t it? Duty. Say it again. I know you want to...go ahead. :) So, I got a call for duty..heehee..notice a few weeks ago & had to appear last Monday. Excellent. Bring it. I got to attend a freak parade instead of going to work. Whoa…wait…aren’t they similar? Bahaha! Anyway. I walked away from the courthouse at 5:00pm with so many observations under my belt that I could barely make it to my car. It was a people watching plethora. Like a day at the mall...but better. Let me share in no particular order.

I already told you in the last blog that one of the jurors was named Mike Wazowski. Yes, I still find this hysterical. Thank goodness because the idea of these jurors scared the crap out of me. A jury of my peers? Holy hell, I hope not. I would NEVER commit a crime after my day at the courthouse. As a matter of fact, I think every teenager should have to sit through the jury process. That alone would scare them enough to stay out of trouble.

There were 13 potential jurors sitting in their area and the rest of us were sitting in the audience. We were told the basics of the case. Domestic abuse. Husband allegedly stabbed wife in the hand with a knife. The judge, who was a hoot, asked the typical questions. Are you married? Do you have children? What do you do? Have you ever been convicted of a crime? Have you ever been a victim or witnessed domestic violence? Bob Loblaw.

Jury Duty immediately went from Judge Judy to Dr. Phil. Why you would unnecessarily air your dirty laundry to a room full of strangers is beyond me. But first, there was a man who raised his hand and said he was mentally disabled. He raised his hand on 4 separate occassions. Each time he said he didn’t feel like he could make the right choice. Brilliant. Can we permanently take him off the list of people to call, please? Mmmkay. Thanks.

Then the attorneys had to make sure all the jurors realized that this was real life, not TV. This was not like Boston Legal or Law & Order. This was reeeeaaallllll..NOT TV. This had to be reiterated approximately 42 times. Really? Wow...cause I was expecting Ally McBeal to walk right in with her skinny self and start in with her zany antics.

Next there was a woman who said her husband was a convicted child molester. She then said the system sucks because they weren’t allowed to present all of their evidence. She said her husband didn’t molest his daughter but he was found guilty anyway. This woman is an RN at Summerlin hospital. Guess where I won’t be going. Ever.

Then there was the guy who felt it necessary to tell the story about how his wife was raped before he met her. Even to this day she flinches and grabs his hand tighter when a strange man walks by. It’s hard to get close to her and have sex because she is still upset. There was no reason for him to share this story. None. Collectively they should be sharing this story in a professional setting that involves counselors…not jurors. Cripes. Later I see the two of them walking down the sidewalk. Immediately his story flashes in my mind and I feel like I am invading her life. I didn’t need to know that information!!! Now it’s in there taking up valuable space!! If I were her, I’d kick his ass because he shouldn’t have been sharing information that wasn’t his. Egads, man.

There also was the ancient man who said his father abused animals and he didn’t mind serving because he had nothing better to do. He was chosen. The woman who was arrested and tried for domestic violence against her husband…to whom she is still married. She was chosen. A guy who would completely forget what he was going to say when he got the microphone. He wasn’t chosen. A Mormon & a teacher…they weren’t chosen. A woman who said that she thinks the defendant is guilty and doesn’t need to hear the case. She wasn’t chosen, btw. She was interesting though. The attorneys & judge worded the same question 20 different ways just to get the same result from her.

Him: ‘You think he is guilty without hearing the case?’
Her: ‘Yes.’
Him: ‘Without seeing any evidence proving otherwise, you still think he’s guilty?’
Her: ‘Yes.’
Him: ‘Even though he hasn’t been convicted and is still innocent, you still think he’s guilty?’
Her: ‘Yes.’
Him: ‘People are innocent until proven guilty yet you still think he is guilty?’
Her: ‘Yes.’

EFF!!! Kick her out already!! I guess this is what you say when you don’t want to sit on a jury. Psh.

There were 4 people left in front of me when the final 13 were chosen and the clock struck 5pm. I looked over the 13 jurors and actually felt sorry for the defendant. He is screwed. Guilty or not.

I was checked out and told I wouldn’t be called again for 18 months. Well, one can only hope. I have completed my civic duty…heehee,,YES!! It's still funny. The long, drawn out, lengthy process of choosing jurors can definitely be sped up by using some logic and organization. I was going insane. It was chaos from beginning to end. Oh, and you do not get paid until your 2nd day on the jury. Psh. Nevertheless, it was super entertaining. I wanted to giggle the entire time.


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*Peace.

Memorial Madness

Written June 2, 2009

Well, last weekend was super busy for me. It started on Thursday while on the way to work; part of my tooth fell out. I was headed to Starbucks when I spit out a chunk of metal. I am understandably freaked so I start poking around with my tongue. There it was..a huge gaping hole where my upper left molar used to be. Of course I start panicking because my greatest diabetic reality hell is that my teeth are falling out. That day it was just a temporary that was placed on my molar after a root canal. Great. I ran to the dentist. He told me my remaining tooth was cracked, therefore toast, and he ripped the sucker out. I cried like a baby all the way home. Total mental breakdown.

Then, with bloody gauze shoved in my piehole, puffy teary eyes and mental destruction feeding on my sadness, I drove to the Happiest Place on Earth. Yep. Disneyland. Bill, George, Amanda & I checked into our room..without a patio…and passed out.

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Disney is always a great time, even with a toothless ache. It is pure entertainment for someone as random as myself. The first day was spent reacquainting ourselves with the park. We went on all our fav rides, made fun of all our fav things, ate all our fav snack food and stood in all our fav lines. While standing in the Toy Story line, I saw two girls about 10 singing and playing a hand game. Miss Lucy. Who remembers this game? I totally did and was catapulted back 30 years. Miss Lucy had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell, Miss Lucy went to heaven, the steamboat went to hell-o operator. Gawd! What a great game. You could actually swear while feeling naughty & good at the same time! I couldn’t believe this ditty was still around. Kinda fabu that it is. I’m sure Miss Lucy is very proud. Miss Mary Mack should be, too.

Then we headed over to California Adventure and while standing in the Tower of Terror line, Amanda starts drawing on my back. My goal in this game was to guess her picture. Who remembers this? The funniest thing about this game is not the picture or guessing. It’s the eraser. Why do we feel the need to take our hand and erase our invisible back drawing? This shit kills me. haha! Good times.

I also got into a fight at Disney. I thought Bill was going to have a heart attack because here I go again in total warrior mode. A. Don’t eff with me, even at the Happiest Place on Earth. B. My mouth hurt. C. I am a New Yorker. 'Nuff said. We just got off the Tower of Terror and we were laughing at our pics. We know when & where the photo is taken and always pose. It's part of our ritual. So, we get ½ down the block near Wall-E and this gangsta walks up. He confronts me with ‘Jew talkin bout ma picha?’ I turn around, lifted my sunglasses and said ‘Who the hell are you?’ He tries to be thug life and says I was making fun of his pic, blah blah, wah wah, I'm a big puss and I flipped out. I got in his face told him to get the eff away from me, I’m at Disneyland trying to have fun and he better step back because I don’t give a shit who he thinks he is. He totally backed down and says ‘Jus don't talk shit bout me!’ I said ‘I wasn’t but I will now.’ Psh. He ran over to his girlfriend who was waiting on the corner...ironic...and walked away. Douche had NO idea. He obviously chose the wrong person to attack. I’ll cut him.

Anyway, Disney was fab. Haha! We did spend one day at Six Flags and it wasn’t so fab. The rides were, but everything else sucked. We spent 1.5 hours waiting in line. Six Flags isn’t like Disney. They didn’t have fast passes, they had something close though. You could buy a ‘Fast Pass’ wannabe for $60 bucks. They gave you a beeper, you told them approximately when you wanted to go on a ride, they buzzed you during that time and you had to show up or lose your pass for that ride. Make sense? So…you tell Tatsu that you want to ride between 1p and 2p. You run over to Batman and tell them you want to ride between 2p-3p. Well, if Tatsu beeps you while you are eating, you finish and run over and hop on. Batman rings you and says come on over but you are face down on Tatsu. By the time you get to Batman, you missed your pass window and guess what? Too bad so sad for you. It’s crap. Tatsu wasn't though. Tatsu was amazing.

Six Flags was dirty, customer service sucked ass, you had two food options and both were way over priced. A piece of pizza for $8 or chicken tenders for $9. Totally not worth the rides as far as I’m concerned. The only thing I noticed at Six Flags was that alot of Mexican women either shave their eyebrows off and draw a line or pluck them down to a skinny line. I’m not Mexican, so I don’t understand this beauty treatment. Can anyone explain? There is a fine line on my eyebrow opinion. Too big and you look like bushmaster Brooke Shields, too thin and you look like a creepy cross dresser. Stay in the middle, ladies. Please.

We went back to Disney for the rest of the time. The difference between Disney and Six Flags is mind blowing. I choose Disney. Every time. I choose a ride attendant offering to hold my cawfee while I ride the Matterhorn over being left standing in a hot, sweaty line for 2 hours and never being told the ride was broken. We are once again Disney Annual Pass Holders. Yay.

Monday I had to show up for Jury Duty. Ironically, one of the jurors in front of me was named Mike Wazowski, like from Monsters, Inc. Hahaha! Stay tuned for Jury Duty enlightenment next week. Yes, it needs its very own blog.

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*Peace.

Toxic

Written May 27, 2009


My apologies but I am simply too exhausted to write my thoughts about Disney or Jury Duty. Oh, and trust me...I have a lot of them! However, they will have to wait until I get some rest this weekend so I can put them into some literary form. In the meantime, for your reading pleasure, I found this article on Yahoo and thought it was worthy to share. The author asks for additions at the end. While he (she?) covered most toxic personalities, I know there have got to be more. Here is one that came to mind:

9. One Upper Penelope: These individuals are experts at everything. Regardless of your story, they have had a bigger, better, more lavish, more amazing and more glorious experience &/or outcome than you. These people NEED constant attention, to feel as if they are better than everyone and to be the center of attention. What they do not seem to realize is that everyone notices this behavior as toxic...and annoying. Never superior.

Why they are toxic: These people have a way of draining you, sucking the life force from you and making you feel as if your experience isn't worthy. They insist on making themselves feel more superior to satisfy some low self esteem issues & insecurities that they have. So, why surround yourself with cocky, egotisical, jealous haters? Surround yourself with friends who listen and appreciate your experiences. So, dear Penelope, you win. Now go away.


8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid
by Brett Blumenthal - Sheer Balance, on Wed May 13, 2009 8:01am PDT

Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn't so. Personally, I've had moments where I'll be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I'll be blindsided by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails. Sometimes it is easy to write it off and other times, not so much.

Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative. Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional. Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.

Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives. And, although we are all human and have our 'issues,' some 'issues' are quite frankly, toxic. They are toxic to our happiness. They are toxic to our mental outlook. They are toxic to our self-esteem. And they are toxic to our lives. They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.

Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:

1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.

Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem. They find ways to make you do things that you don't necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation. The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.

2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."

Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust. You are left disappointed and unfulfilled. Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.


3. Debbie Downers: These people can't appreciate the positive in life. If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast. If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they'll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.

Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything. Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity. Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.

4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive. If you find people's unique perspectives refreshing, they find them 'wrong'. If you like someone's eclectic taste, they find it 'disturbing' or 'bad'.

Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers. In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over. If the world
was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring. Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.

5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can't do it. As you achieve, they try to pull you down. As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.

Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be. Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself. Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.

6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere. You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh. You feel depressed and sad and they give you a 'there, there' type response. You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.
Why they are toxic: People who aren't sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria. This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships. When you are really in need of a friend, they won't be there. When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are. When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.

7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies. Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you. Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business. Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.

Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don't respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy. These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.

8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you. They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.

Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process. They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.

All of these personalities have several things in common. 1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue. 2) Unfortunately, most of these people don't see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one. 3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.

Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity. If you can, avoid spending mucho time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you'll feel a lot happier. Have you encountered these personalities? What have you done? Any personalities you would add?


*Peace.

Haphazard Hump Day

Written May 20, 2009


Elisa is getting her gall bladder removed this weekend. She is watching a You Tube video of the procedure right now. I can’t hear the video but I can hear this: “Ew!” “I’m gonna barf!” “It’s green!” “*gasp*” “Gross.” “They cut the fucker right open.” Hey, Elisa! Happy Memorial Day. Psh! Be well. xo

I am considering liposuction. I am too busy and equally too lazy to do anything else. I won’t get a tummy tuck though. Those scars are nasty!! I’d rather have a muffin top than a Freddy Krueger top.


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Lipo


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Tuck

If you went to the DMV to get new license plates and they gave you ones that had ‘666’ on them, what would you do? I would ask for different ones. Even though I’m not uber religious, I still think it’s a bad sign. I don’t even like driving behind a 666-er. If you took them to look cool...it won't work. You'll look like a douche. An evil one.

Starbucks makes me late every morning. I left early this morning to avoid being late. Never fails…the drive thru line was at a stand still. If I were strong enough to break my addiction, I’d skip it and get to work 20 minutes early. I'm not strong when it comes to caffeine though. So, if I get written up, I’m blaming the Starbucks on Lake Mead & McDaniel. Thanks a latte, Starbucks.
I try to do something fun every day. They are usually small things like singing in the car or lying on Amanda’s bed having girl chat while she puts her pj’s on or sending a silly, random text to a friend for no apparent reason. Little things are big things to me. This weekend, however, is a big thing. For real. I’m going to Disneyland, Magic Mountain, Knotts Berry Farm and LA just for fun. I may be walking around limping like a zombie, but I will be having fun. Giving my daughter a fabulous life is the best kind of fun EVER! Try to have fun every day, people.

It’s cool how songs have the ability to remind you of certain times in your life. I may forget A LOT but Led Zeppelin always reminds me of Steven Finck and skinny dipping. Cyndi Lauper reminds me of Mark Shuster and hours of phone conversation. Prince reminds me of sitting on Heidi’s porch swing and singing. GNR reminds me of beeping the car horn through the tunnel and laughing with Lori & Loren. The Doobie Brothers reminds me of being with my dad riding in his van. Oh, and ‘What’s Happening.’ Music is an incredible memory inducer! I wish I had a soundtrack to my life.

The ice cream man that comes into my neighborhood is creepy. Quite possibly a pedophile just because he has a scary beat up van, eery circus music that has a duck quacking randomly throughout and still goes around when it’s dark outside. I would never buy ice cream from him. Never. Why don’t ice cream men have fun trucks with pretty colors and pictures? Why don't they have fun music? Why do they drive around when kids should be going inside & eating dinner? Why a duck?!!?

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Why do paper cuts hurt so freaking bad that you want to scream? I could trip, fall, break my arm and promise it wouldn’t hurt more than a paper cut.

I love that Fresh & Easy has special parking spots for those with hybrid vehicles. I do. Way to stick to your brand & your cause!! I think because I am aiding in polluting the environment with my Honda CRV that I should have to walk 30 extra steps to get inside. But….when I do get inside…why do you not have veggie hot dogs? I don't understand. Fresh & Easy do have great flowers though.

Have a great Memorial Day weekend, everyone! Hopefully you have 3 days off to enjoy.

*Peace.

Are You Mocking Me?

Written May 12, 2009


This is the BEST time of the year at City Hall! A couple of weeks a year, Elisa and I get to go into rants of laughing, giggling and snorting all thanks to the local mockingbirds. Mockingbirds are freaking awesome! Not only can they mimic songs from birds and insects but they also attack. It's here that the hilarity ensues. From what I have read, male mockingbirds will defend their nest full of eggs & hatchlings. They are fiercely territorial and anything crossing the line will feel its wrath. What is crazy is that they are able to recognize humans. They will selectively attack some while allowing others to pass by unharmed. I am apparently recognized because I have never been attacked. Neither has Elisa. Although yesterday, one mockingbird was definitely telling Elisa to back off. She did and you will all be happy to know that they have remained friends.

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This amazing act of nature is wildly entertaining!! Elisa & I walk outside every hour or so to watch the show. Some people don’t feel any thing, others freak out. Some swat at the bird, others duck and run. We just went to lunch and saw this guy was walking in. We knew he was going to be a victim because he was wearing a hat. It seems our mockingbirds do not like hats. Of course, the bird attacked him! He started to run but then saw us watching so he tried to walk and act all cool like. The bird attacked again and the jig was up. He started running like a little girl! It was hy-STER-ical! Bahaha! I wish we had video taped that guy. We would have won $10,000 on World’s Funniest Videos, fo’ sho’. Ah...good times. I wish momma would have bought me a mocking bird.

I am oddly fascinated by Twitter. I originally joined to get up to the minute info from JDRF during Obama’s stem cell research deal. That was months ago and I’m still tweeting. I now think it’s a good way to get readers to visit my blogs. Eh, who knows if the self promoting is working. Twitter is interesting because of the amount of information you can obtain depending on who you follow. It’s a waste because I’m pretty sure no one gives a crap what I’m doing every moment. Although I don’t know all the rules, the ones I do know are pretty cool. Twitter has days for certain things like ‘Follow Friday’ or ‘Music Monday’. #followfriday is where you suggest to other Twits for people to follow. #musicmonday is, obviously, where you suggest music you like. Brilliant.

So, I’m thinking about stealing this idea. Here are some ideas I have. I need to pick a day to post my blogs. The same day every week. I usually post here on Tuesdays. This prevents things like ’Make Me Laugh Monday’ or ‘Fashion Friday’ or ‘Wacky Wednesday’ from being used as a regular topic. How does ‘Tickle My Fancy Tuesday’ or ‘Trendy Tuesday’ or ‘Tabloid’ sound? I’m open to ideas and changing blogging days. I will incorporate the winning idea into my weekly blogs. Send me your suggestions or ideas. I’d love to run with this stolen thought. Oh, and you can follow me on Twitter right here: Kellys Blogs

Tonight Amanda gets inducted into the National Honor Society for which I am extremely proud. ::entering proud mom bragging rights:: I have raised this beautiful, intelligent young woman by myself and I take full credit! Haha! What kills me is that the schools always plan their events at awkward times. Like they think every mother on the planet is a stay at home mom with all the time in the world. It doesn’t seem like administration takes into account that people have jobs. There are dinners to be eaten. Homework to be completed. Lives to be lived. It drives me insane and has since Kindergarten. I can’t be there at 5pm for a 2.5 hour event and, yet, they make me. I guess the bottom line is that it’s worth it to leave work early and skip a meal. My daughter will only be young once and I refuse to miss a thing. Anyway, congrats, Amanda! I am extremely proud of you and I won’t complain about being hungry during your ceremony. Xoxo

Tomorrow is my friend, Mel’s, birthday. She disappeared but I hope she knows I’m sending her fabu birthday wishes with my mind. Happy Birthday, Lova! <3>

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*Peace.


My Pee Smells Like Cheerios

Written May 5, 2009

Here's a question for you. Why do overweight people wear sweatshirts that have Disney characters on them? Or Looney Tunes characters? Or any cartoon character, for that matter? There are very few people that I want to see wearing a Minnie Mouse shirt outside of Disneyland.

This girl? Ok!

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This girl? No way!!

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I honestly don't get it. I am pretty certain that Disney isn't the only clothing line that carries XL. Now, don't get all snarky & start accusing me of bashing those who aren't a size 2. Please. I am not a stick figure and I certainly don't agree that a plus sized model should be a size 8. As a matter of fact, I think women should have curves!! I want to go back to the Renaissance Age where curvy women were coveted because that meant they were not only beautiful AND sexy....but wealthy!! Psh! Get your curves on, I say!!

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Just please, please don't plaster them in Disney attire. Oh, and eff you skinny girls!!

Onward, brave readers. hahaha! I know that was rough. I apologize. :)

Have you ever wished that people wouldn’t have told you certain things about themselves? For example: Joe Blow from down the hall comes in and says “Wow, I have this nasty rash on my ass.’ or ‘I brush my teeth once a day.’ or ‘My pee smells like Cheerios.’ These things take up permanent residency in my brain and, try as I might, I can’t get them out. Now every time I see Joe Blow, I think about his rash, teeth & pee. How am I supposed to concentrate on anything else?? I am a very honest & open person but some things are meant to be kept to oneself. There’s my advice for the day. You’re welcome.

Each of us knows a perpetual complainer. Everyone has one in their life, to some extent. You know? That person who makes you cringe whenever they open their mouth. Simply because you know it’s going to suck the life from you. I will be the first to admit I complain about things. However, I usually do it for humor sake. Like when I blog. I complain about everything but it’s simply to make you laugh, not because I am truly distraught over these things. I wonder if they realize they complain or that they drive you insane? I also wonder what they would do if you shot back a complaint every time they did.

‘I hate my job.’ ‘I hate the weather.’
‘I am getting fat.’ ‘I am losing my teeth.’
‘I am bored.’ ‘I am too busy.’
'I am sore.' 'I am sick.'

I think I’ll try that next time the ‘Cereal Complainer’ comes around. I’ll keep you posted but for now I will stop using “quotes”.

So, on a serious note, it has been a rough week for me. I have been attacked for no reason, disappointed, annoyed, hurt & let down. One might assume that I am the common denominator and I just may be. But, the great thing about being an adult is you can choose who you allow in your life. You have the power to deem who is worthy of all the beautiful things you are. I want to live simply, love deeply and laugh often. That’s it. If I feel you are continuously douchey to me, I can deny you access. If I feel you are blaming me for your own misery, I can disappear. If I feel you are not putting forth enough effort to warrant me in your life, I won’t be. If I feel all you do is complain, I will let you go. As an adult, I don't have to be your friend, lover, girlfriend, confidante, playmate, or anything else. I can simply say goodbye.

After all, every goodbye makes the next hello closer.


*Peace.

Choose to be Happy

Written May 1, 2009

I woke up this morning and chose to be happy. That's right. You can wake up and choose your mood. A lot of people don't realize this..oddly enough. It's my suggestion that you steer clear of those bastards. :)

My happiness has turned into full blown dork mode. I have been making myself giggle all morning. While I have been lazing & giggling, I started to wonder what sort of shenanigans I could get into. Forget chores. Forget errands. I wanted silliness! I wanted joy! I wanted FUN!

Then it hit me!!! BAM!


Fun Things To Do Today
By Kelly <~ That's me.
  1. Look at old pictures.
  2. Go to Walmart & shoot people with water guns.
  3. Turn up the music & dance in your living room.
  4. Make smores.
  5. Jump on a trampoline.
  6. Blow bubbles.
  7. Pass out bottles of bubbles to strangers so they can join in.
  8. Take silly pictures.
  9. Skip everywhere you go.
  10. Go to the library.
  11. Buy a wig and wear it all day.
  12. Play Scrabble with made up words. Like PSH!
  13. For every animal you see, talk to it in their voice. Ie: Bark, meow, neigh.
  14. Make faces at strangers.
  15. Pretend it’s your birthday.
  16. Go people watching at the airport.
  17. Plan your honeymoon…even if you are single.
  18. Have a carpet picnic.
  19. Sing at the top of your lungs in the shower or car.
  20. Plant some daisies.
  21. Tell a stranger you love their shirt, bag, hair, makeup, whatev just so they smile.
  22. Make a to do list and then throw it away.
  23. Play hookie.
  24. Buy a hula hoop and use it in the store parking lot.
  25. Spend some time daydreaming.
  26. Slurp spaghetti one piece at a time & leave the sauce on your face.
  27. Have a water balloon fight.
  28. Act like a super hero all day.
  29. Even wear a costume.
  30. Bake cupcakes.
  31. Read blogs.
  32. Start a journal full of all the wonderful things you do in your life.
  33. Get sidewalk chalk and draw smiley faces everywhere you go.
  34. Play hide & seek.
  35. Buy yourself fresh flowers.
  36. Do a cartwheel…but don’t hurt yourself.
  37. Go to a nude beach. Haha! Or not. :P
  38. Lay in a hammock and stop worrying.
  39. Call your mom.
  40. Hug your children and tell them how fabulous they are.
  41. Say hi to everyone. Hi.


That’s all I can think of at the moment. I have things to do...like go buy flowers....and bubbles. Have a breath taking weekend!

*Peace.

PS - #42. Don't get pissed that Go Daddy lost a month's worth of blogs. They can't help it that they suck balls. :)

Bridal Wave

Written April 8, 2009

‘It doesn’t take long to know when someone has your heart, is going to become a rock in your life and a BFF.’

Those were the first lines I read when I opened a beautifully hand made card that one of my dearest friends handed to me when she returned from NY. My first thought was ‘Wow..she really must have missed me!!’ and then I continued to read. As I did so, a bridal wave hit. My heart melted, my eyes glistened with tears and I knew, in that moment, that I was lurved. Not that I didn’t know this beforehand, psh, come on! Have you met me? But, this was different, this was huge, this ranked up there with the most meaningful moments of my life….I was going to be her bridesmaid!!

I then opened a beautifully wrapped box with T & J on the lid. Tedd & Jennifer. Although, I call them Flo & Sheshie. :) It was a bridesmaid gift…or bribery as she called it. haha! Perfectly placed inside were a retro mug, a few handmade cards, a candle, Hershey kisses and a ring pop. It was fab! One of the best gifts I have ever recieved.

I was officially a bridesmaidzilla. Zilla, for short. Yay!!

She hadn’t asked everyone on her 'Dream Team' yet so I had to keep it on the DL. This was perfectly fine with me. I was too honored, flattered and excited with the treasure that this beautiful woman had given to me to share it. Call me selfish, I was, but I wanted to keep the feeling to myself for as long as I could!

A little background: Sheshie & I met at Mercedes’ birthday party a million years ago. We didn’t immediately bond because life sometimes gets in the way or the timing was off or whatever the reasons were at the time. We were simply acquaintances. She was super nice and cute but we were in different places. Even though on that night she played my lesbian lover in order to keep this dude Facundo away. Shit, piss, facundo. :)

Months later, I wanted have a big, girly ‘Sex in the City’ bash. I sent Shesh an evite never thinking she would come. She did. We say our friendship started that day in the bathroom of the Blue Martini. I am thankful to say it has continued to grow stronger every day. Then, to bond us together even more tightly, she just recently got diabetes. Not the way I would have chosen to bond, but such is life. Poor Sheshie. So, we dubbed ourselves the T1T’s. Type 1 Twins. I am so very grateful and blessed to be her friend and have her be mine. We were meant to be friends. Period. New Line.

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Sex in Sin City' Bash

Anyway, I have never been a bridesmaid. Ever. I have always been too far away, too absent, too busy or too broke to have the honor bestowed on me. I never even had a real wedding! Mine was a shotgun wedding that I like to refer to as a ‘mulligan’, thank you very much. I also have no idea who my maid of honor was but that is a whole different blog. The point is….I am a newbie. I told her this and she has faith in me. I hope I do her justice. While I don’t have experience as a bridesmaid, I do have experience as a fantastic friend. I will do whatever it takes to make sure everything is perfect in the world of my friend, Sheshie. Whatever, anything, everything, always.

Shesh also asked our core friend, Mercedes. This just multiplies the joy in my world and I’m sure in the Bride’s world. The three of us live in Vegas. The rest of the Zillaz live back east. I know that that all Zillaz on the ‘Dream Team’ will be kicking ass to make sure Tedd & Jennifer have the most beautiful day of their lives. Of this, I have no doubt.

In closing, I have to say that this year will be one of the most exciting and special times of my life with the most incredible women of my life. Tedd is incredible, too! Props to Flo!! My BFF is marrying the man of her dreams. Life doesn’t get any better than that.

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I said it then…I’ll say it again, thank you Sheshie for letting me a part of your incredible journey before and after you say ‘I Do’.

Check out Jennifer's wedding blog Nearlyweds and keep an eye out for her upcoming column in LV Bride. Deets to follow.

Check out KLAS Channel 8 and watch Tedd reporting LV's weather!

*Peace.

A Man Duh

Written April 7, 2009

This week I am blogging about the most important person in my life.My daughter. I may be Murphy’s Law and I may be the unluckiest Irish girl on the planet but I hit the jackpot with her. I did something right. Amanda is the most amazing person I have ever known.I know you are probably shaking your head and saying ‘Eh, you’re her mother.You’re supposed to feel that way.’Let me assure you, I would feel that way even if she weren’t my daughter.Absolute bonus points that she is though. YAY me!

Amanda is someone I would want as my best friend if I were 14. Amanda is someone I would want my children to aspire to if I were any other parent. Amanda is someone I would want to love forever if I were any boy. She is that incredible. I don’t know that I necessarily believe in soul mates, but if I did, Amanda would certainly be one of mine. One of her best qualities that I want to focus on today is her sense of humor. She is one of the rare people that have a true, genuine sense of humor. I wonder who she gets that from? Psh. Haha! Amanda is funny, in every sense of the word. Here are some classic moments that had me close to peeing my pants.

I took Amanda into Walgreens the other day because I am an insane mother. I saw a random dark hair on her face and didn’t want her to have a stash. So, I was going to bleach it. I didn’t want to pluck it because that would hurt and it would only grow back. I didn’t want to shave it because that would cause more to grow. I wanted to bleach it. After walking around for 10 minutes and not finding any hair bleach, I asked an elderly sales lady in the beauty aisle where the hair bleach was. Crazy lady started to lean closer to my face for an inspection. Anyone who knows me knows that I have major personal space issues. Granted I wasn’t in the best of moods, so I air slapped her away and said ‘Not me!’

Big mistake. Huge. She turns to my daughter and before I could even react, she reached her gnarled hand out and grabbed her face!! Said face registered immediate horror as I stood there with my jaw on the floor. The sales lady then gets nose to nose with Amanda and said ‘She doesn’t need hair bleach!’ OMG!! Are you kidding me?!!? I finally found my voice and said ‘Can you please tell me where the hair bleach is?’ I should also get major bonus points for this because I typically would have flown off the handle at this intrusive woman. But…I was taught to respect your elders…and she was definitely my elder. Crazy lady starts telling me I should shave it or pluck it. Here’s where I internally snapped. A. Do not assume to tell me what to do with my child. B. I am the customer. Service me. Haha! Not like that! Pervs! She proceeds to give me her opinion on how I should leave my daughter alone. She says that I shouldn’t bleach anything on her face. This coming from an old hag with a stash/beard comparable to my fathers. WHY?! Would I listen to you?!?! I said ‘Are you going to tell me where it is or not because I am done with this conversation.’ Finally, she shows me where the bleach is along with some crazy thing to scrub the hair off. I grabbed the bleach and was still aghast as I paid and walked out.

We get into the car, I look at Amanda and she says ‘I can’t believe the Crypt Keeper touched my face and her breath smelled like butt!!!’ That was all it took. We sat in the parking lot and laughed for a good 5 minutes before driving away.

Another time we were in Albertsons picking up some items that I had forgotten during my weekly grocery shopping trip. Hey, I can’t remember everything! Amanda & I were walking out of the organic aisle with cereal in hand chatting away about whatever when this lady says something. Ok. Not only was this lady was scary. She looked like this:

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But, I also couldn’t understand her. We kept walking and I said to Amanda ‘What did she say?’ and Amanda quips ‘I don’t know. I don’t speak crazy old lady.’ Again, laughter ensued. I finally realized that the lady said ‘Do you want to rent her to me for a week?’ which is nuts on a whole new level. I relay this to Amanda and she yells ‘Witch!!’ Again…laughter. It was so hysterically funny that I was crying.


All of these things probably make me a horrible parent. Cereal. But, I don’t care. The more laughter, the better, I say. I just love Amanda completely and totally, like no other. I am also so proud and grateful for her on so many levels. I just wanted to sing her praises for a moment and share level 1 with you.

I hope you enjoyed. Oh, and if you don’t know already know Amanda, I suggest you do. She will definitely bring light to your life. :)


However, you need my permission first. Ha!


*Peace.

Ho Code

Written April 1, 2009

Saturday was the first gathering of the Gambler’s Club. The Gamblers Club originally started out with Shesh, Smurfy & myself. The gist of the Club was for each of us to put in $21 and win Megabucks. Hey…we deserve it….shut up. Anyway, Smurf had other plans on Saturday night so we inducted 2 other members into the Club….Peck and English. I slowly saw my winnings diminishing, but I’m not selfish. Haha! English was the only boy but it was his birthday so he deserved it. Plus, he was super fun.

This is me trying to hit Megabucks with my feet. It didn't work. *sigh*



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While we were at dinner we were discussing our relative sexes and one of the things that was mentioned was the ‘Bro Code’. (Thank you, Barney Stinson) Bro’s before ho’s. This is a good thing, I think. A humorous thing, at least, and I wondered why women don’t have a code.

I think we need a ‘Ho Code’. I definitely think there are rules that we silently agree to and aren’t as vocal with. Well, let’s be vocal now. Let’s create a set a rules and guidelines to live by for women only. Here's what I have started with Elisa's help. Please send me additions. :)


Welcome to the Ho Code!

First rule should be ‘Ho’s before bro’s’ because, that’s the #1 rule of the Bro Code. If a bro bails on you, who do you have? That’s right…your ho’s.

Never be the next ho that your ho’s ex dates. Make sense? It’s douchey and other ho’s will talk smack about you…always. Also, you’ll more than likely have your friendship revoked with said ho.

Never let a ho walk out of the house looking like this:

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  • Always tell a ho when they have lipstick on their teeth.
  • Always tell a ho when they have a bat in the cave.
  • A ho can never be a member of the Food Police. If a ho wants to drink the whole bottle of wine and eat the entire piece of cheesecake, don’t be all snarky about it.
    A ho cannot be an enabler or saboteur. This is in conjunction with the Food Police. Let a ho eat what she wants without commenting but don’t bring over a dozen donuts.

Here is a listing of the ‘Bro Code’ rules for anyone interested: Golden Rules

For the record, anyone NOT watching How I Met Your Mother should. Then, if you are a bro, you should purchase Barney’s book here: Bro Code

You can also read Barney’s Blog here: Barney's Blogs

Major shout outs for Barney. I heart him.

Keeping on track…who has ever bargained for BJ’s? Ladies….gentlemen….who has uttered these words: “If you take me to the movies, I’ll give you a BJ?” I’m wondering if this is a normal procedure. If so, why isn’t there a reality or game show called ‘Bargaining for BJ’S!’ That’d be hysterical! Oh, wait…did I just break a ho code by talking about this? Damn. Psh to me.

Oh, and for the record, I seriously think Home Depot is not meant for anyone with a vag. AND screw them for declining my affiliate application. Cut! With a tool I buy from Lowe's. Ha.

Have a good weekend!


*Peace.

My Name is Michael, I Got a Nickel!

Written March 11, 2009


I had to sit in the ER this weekend for 4 hours. I was starving and alone so, of course, my thoughts began revolving around food. I was thinking about foods that sound vaguely sexual to those with perverted minds…like me. Also, I have been seeing a lot of Spotted Dick references lately, which..ahem…didn’t help matters. It’s always a good time when I am in Cost Plus with my friends and we see a can of Spotted Dick. Hilarity ensues and it never grows old. Never. What really makes me laugh is that England has the most foods with pervy names!! So much for being proper, Queen Elizabeth! Psh.

Here are some other foods that make me giggle like a school girl:

Kumquat
Ragout
Fish Taco
Corn Nuts

Then there are sushi roll names. I love when the Japanese get involved with the perv and throw out options such as ‘Screaming Orgasm’ and ‘Taste like My Last Girlfriend’. This kind of shit kills me! Haha!

Have you ever noticed the ‘creepy chick voice’? Women are notorious for this. For example, my voice automatically goes up an octave when I answer my work phone. I always hang up and ask Elisa what the hell happened to my voice. She has noticed the same thing with me, herself & other women. It’s always when women are worked up about something, upset, excited, angry, drunk, etc. Their normal speaking voice takes on a shrill quality that is truly obnoxious..and uncontrollable. We know it will happen, we know when it is happening, we just can’t seem to put on the brakes and make it stop. No wonder men just want us to shut up. Holy hell, I want me to shut up.

Not Michael though. Michael loves when I talk, almost as much as he loves when he talks. Michael is my new boyfriend. His dad lives across the street. Michael..is 8. Michael…as any typical 8 year old boy…does not shut up. Michael…as any other 8 year old…will say exactly what is on his mind. He told me that he agrees with me that I am the crazy cat lady. He also added that while many people in the neighborhood think I am mean, he doesn’t. He only thinks I am mean sometimes. Whew. So, while I spent the afternoon with Michael’s head up my ass chattering away about Pro Wrestling, skateboarding and Lucky Charms, I came to another mind altering decision. I want to be a Golden Girl.

The conundrum is who will be a Golden Girl with me and what role will each of us play? I’ve inducted, my friend from days gone by, Jill. I’ve also inducted Elisa and Sheshie. Hey..I can have as many Golden Girls as I want! Anyway, I was wondering who would be who in the Golden Girls remake and look what I found: Golden Girl

You are ”Dorothy Zbornak”, played by Beatrice Arthur on the show. Like Dorothy, you are quick witted, sarcastic, and highly intelligent. Although you may not have many dates, you offer the most sound advice when it comes to men. You are a loyal friend who has a deep appreciation for cheesecake, books, and teaching young people. Your signature line is: ”Chew carefully, Ma…just like they taught you at Shady Pines…”

I am Maude?!? God. Fine. Whatever. As long as we have a really cool theme song, I’ll be freaking dried up Maude.

Am I twisted that I discuss pervy foods and 8 year olds in the same blog? What the hell is wrong with me??! I think I’m losing my mind.

Michael says ‘hi’ to me every time I walk outside…even if it’s only 2 minutes later from the last time he said ‘hi’.

I stay inside now.


*Peace.

Kelly Wordle

Wordle: Kelly

Fire and Ice

Written March 5, 2009

I’m driving in my car…..I turn on the radio….then I stop singing in my head and start singing out loud. I know. I’m a dork. I don’t care though. Sometimes I sing loud, sometimes soft. Sometimes I get really dramatic, sometimes I just sit there. Sometimes I care what the cars next to me think, sometimes I don’t. I do it for my own entertainment. What really makes me laugh is when I pretend I’m playing the drums. Sad….but funny. I have no idea how to play the drums.

I wonder what you would think if you saw me.

I sing like shit. Seriously. There is nothing pretty about my voice. In fact, if I could wish for one talent it would be that. To have an awesome singing voice. I was texting this guy once and accidentally called him without my knowing. He now has a 1.5 minute voicemail of me singing. Great…no wonder he didn’t like me. Haha! What’s funny though is I was telling this story to 3 single, male friends on the way to Big Bear and they loved it. They said they would have saved the performance and used it as a ring tone. They also said they’d like me more for it. Psh. Now those are some awesome guys!

Anyway…I digress. I sing in the car but that’s not the worst thing I do. I text. *yipes* Bad Kelly, Bad Kelly!! Now I try to only text at red lights and it’s working out pretty well. I have also read things, put my foot on the dash, wiped dust off the radio, put deodorant on..yea. Several oddball things that I shouldn’t be doing while behind the wheel. Today on the way to work, I saw this truck approaching quickly enough to make me gulp and pay closer attention. Speedy Gonzales slowed down before she killed me but she was close enough for me to see that she was putting on mascara. Who does this while driving down the road?! Oh…wait….me. Ooops.

I wonder what sort of crazy things do you do while driving.

Have you ever had those days where you leave the house and reach your destination only to say ‘Holy crap! I don’t even remember driving here!’? Total auto pilot mode. That’s scary. Or am I the only one who goes into an occasional driving coma?

Holy crap on a cracker…Amanda will be getting her permit in 1 year. ONE YEAR!!! I need to teach her how to drive. Really?? Do we honestly think I am the best candidate? I better research some Driving Ed Schools. Last thing I want to think about is Amanda rollin’ in her 5.0 with her rag top down so her hair can blow….sorry. Um..last thing I want to think about is Amanda checking her MySpace while rollin’ down the road. Psh.

That’s it…I’m Audi.

*Peace.