June 30, 2009

Irish Wit & Wisom

March 13, 2007

An Irishman walking along the shore notices an old lamp lying among the rocks. He picks it up, rubs the dirt off of it and a genie comes out of the lamp. The genie tells the Irishman he will grant him three wishes. The Irishman says "Well first off, I'd like a bottle of Guinness that never goes dry". "Done" says the genie, and the Irishman is holding a bottle of Guinness. The Irishman promptly drinks it down and watches in delight as it magically fills back up. Again he drinks it down and watches it fill up. A third time he drinks it down. By now the genie is becoming impatient. "So, what do you want for your other two wishes"? asks the irritated genie. "Oh", replies the Irishman, "Just give me another two bottles like this one""Seamus do you understand French?" "I do if it's spoken in Irish."

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!!"

O'Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

Q. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?A. One less Drunk

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Q. What is Irish diplomacy?A. It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell. So that he will look forward to making the trip.

Mahoneys wife has to go out of town for the day on a business trip. The last thing she says to her husband is to not go out to the bar in her absence. As soon as the wife is gone he heads down to Clancys pub. After spending most of the day there he decides he'd better get back on home. He gets up from the bar takes a few steps and falls flat on his face. Gets up, takes a few more steps and again, falls flat on his face. All the way home for three blocks its up down up down until he finally makes it home just after he gets in the house his wife shows up. She walks in the door just as the phone was ringing. She answers it and hangs up after a short conversation. She looks at Mahony and says, "So you went to Clancy’s pub after all did ya.?" "Well, yes dear," said Mahoney, "but how did you know?" "That was the barman on the phone calling to say you left your wheel chair there!"

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


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