August 3, 2006
So, I got really mad at Amanda yesterday. I sometimes forget that she is just a kid. When I get mad, the best thing for me to do is walk away and cool down. I got pissed at B&G once and walked away. It took me a couple of days to calm down, rationalize and basically recheck my feelings. George didn't like it but it ended up much better than if I would have opened my mouth. Well....I opened my mouth last night with my daughter. When I get mad, my mouth is like a weapon. I verbally attack and...like Benny the Jewish psychic said...I hurt & destroy with my intelligence. I hit below the belt. And, sheesh...I am really good at it. This is not a good thing. This is why I think I need anger management. Because if I'm hurt, my first instinct is to hurt back. Anyway, I fought with Amanda and made her cry. I sent her to her room and sat on the couch and here's where the thought process began. I realized how crappy I was, went in and apologized.
It makes me wonder if I'm a horrible mom. If I'm destroying this poor girl or snuffing out her light. Amanda is the smartest, sweetest, most wonderful girl and I'm not saying this just because she's mine. I'm saying it because it's true. I honestly don't know where she got it from! But, who am I to want perfection from her? Who the hell am I? She's a good kid and I'm probably destroying her. Yet at the same time, selfish Kelly thinks that I am so tired of doing everything myself, of taking care of everything, worrying, thinking, fixing, buying, working..it's non-stop. I know the results are worth it and I know this doesn't justify my anger. I just hope that she knows how much of myself I give. I don't know...now I'm starting to whine and I hate whiners.
On another note....should I tell this mother of Amanda's friend not to talk to my daughter about God or Mary Kay? Let's tackle the easy subject first. Amanda and I are not religious. I do not believe in organized religion. I'm all about supporting others beliefs but not when they try to force their beliefs on me or my daughter. Amanda does not believe in "God" per se..she believes in science. She wanted to be a scientist, for God's sake..(heehee - that's funny)! This is not to say we want to be Scientologists either! Bleck! I would say we are "spiritual". When it comes to classification, I don't say we are atheists, I say we are spiritual. Although we are clearly on our way to atheism. We believe in a lot of different things and if it were possible, we would make our own "religion". Anyway, this mother is always talking to Amanda about God and it makes Amanda a little uncomfortable. Not that she is against talking about God, it's just the way it's thrown at her. For example "If you get up every morning, say thanks to God and ask God for things....your life will be so much better." Bullshit. Enough said.
Then this mom sells Mary Kay. First she invited a bunch of 12 year old girls to a makeup party where she tried to sell them Mary Kay. WRONG! Then she takes Amanda & her daughter to the park where she has these girls walk around asking strangers if they want to buy Mary Kay. WRONG! Now she tells Amanda that if I sit and do nothing all day at work, I should sell Mary Kay. I could do everything for Mary Kay at my city job. What?! WRONG! I don't even like friggin Mary Kay! Plus, work ethics obviously don't come into play with this woman.
Bill & George are having a wine celebration....August 26th. Whew! I need a drink. I hope I can last that long. That is going to be a busy weekend for me. Amanda's birthday is August 24th. The wine party on the 26th. Amanda's birthday party on the 27th. Holy cow again.
Have you ever sat in Costco and watched people eat? Eat their pizza or hot dogs? It's slightly disgusting but oddly fascinating.
I'm going to the mall this weekend. I hate malls. I'm going to do some school shopping for Amanda. So that means Hollister, American Eagle & Tilly's. Then I have to buy new sunglasses. Damnit! The little screwy thing keeps falling out! Grrr!