June 30, 2009

Going Back to Cali…Cali….Cali….

August 15, 2007

I'm off to California. I never thought I would love California. I'm a New Yorker; we don't do the Cali thing. However, after living in this god forsaken desert for 16 years, I have to say…. I love California! I love the beach so much. I swear I could build a little shanty out of driftwood & seaweed, paint seashells, sell them to tourists and live happily ever after. I'd name it "She Sells Seashells". Yep. So, we are a regular caravan of gypsies. 17 people. Disney. Venice. Disney. Ocean. Good times to be had. I can't wait! I am always excited to get out of Vegas. My next trip has got to be San Francisco. Or home. Or both.

It is so bloody hot here. I left my purse in the car for about an hour while I worked out the other day. You all know about my Chapstick addiction, so of course that was the first thing I grabbed upon entering my car. I had hot, mushed wax all over my lips! I'm a classy chick. I don't know why it never crossed my mind that it might be melted. I guess I didn't think Chapstick melted. I guess I never even considered it. Stupid Chapstick. It's lucky I love it.

Amanda & I got pedicures on Sunday. Something that I usually enjoy made me very unhappy that day. The only good thing is that my friend, Beth, was there. The owner gave me the pedicure. He exclaimed the entire time how he NEVER
does pedicures. Um, then why are you touching my feet? Anyway, he hurt me! Freaking foot Gestapo! I usually laugh most of the time but this guy made me want to cry. I spent half the time literally off of my chair. If that wasn't bad enough, he painted my nails like a stripper. He put on bright pink. Then he had his mother put white & sparkly shit on my big toe. Amanda's nails looked the same. All this for $60. We are getting a polish change before we leave on Thursday. My daughter & I can't go to the beach with whore nails. Ugh.

My daughter. She is turning 13. A teenager. 8th grade. I was thinking about when I was in 8th grade. I first kissed a boy in 8th grade. With my tongue!! It was the most disgusting thing I had done at that point in my life. I remember having a huge, invasive tongue lapping all over my face and in my mouth. Yea, I told you it was bad. I had spit everywhere! I didn't kiss again until 9th grade. I also smoked weed for the first time. It made me go blind. I swear, I was walking in the woods with my friend, Kelley, and I couldn't see. I was blind. Didn't do that again until 12th grade. Anyway, I was thinking that Amanda is too young to do the things I did at her age. How can it be that I wasn't too young when I was doing them but she is?

My birthday is coming, too. I swear I am not my age. I think someone lied about the year I was born and I'm the only one who realizes it. When my friend was turning 40, I kept telling her '40 is the new 30!' I wonder if I'll believe it when I tell myself that very same thing next year! My dating age range has changed. I'm not used to that! I feel dirty if I notice young guys. I saw Harry Potter and was amazed at how cute he was! I felt like a freaking pedophile! Ah, nothing a good dose of Johnny Depp & Steven Tyler won't cure….but still….young is good.

I was screwing around via email with my friend, Jason. I started laughing because I used two different words to describe my nether regions. Haha! I said vajayjay and poonani in the same email! I don't even know what to call a penis other than a penis! I know M&M call it a piñata and I may start using that one. What nicknames do you use?


Not only do I use nicknames for THAT, I tend to nickname certain men that I date or have relationships with. This is usually based on something they did, how they look, a catch phrase…whatever…and it usually doesn't require much thought but it sticks. I still call Jim – Jimbo. That one was easy. I still refer to Alan as Paco Pepe. I still call Mike - little Michael. Tom is Gumdrop. The short guy whose name I forget was called Shortbread. I didn't name him though, Bill did. Let's not forget He Who Shall Not Be Named. ::shudder:: Jesus…..I've dated a lot. No wonder I've taken a year off! Can anyone blame me?!

Does Dave Matthews remind anyone of Vince Vaughn? I'm just saying.


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