June 30, 2009

Peanut Sputter

February 16, 2007

So, Peter Pan & I are having relationship problems. I LOVE Peter Pan Peanut Butter, Creamy. Love it! Many blogs back I said I wanted to marry Peter Pan. Although it is the month of love, I no longer want to marry Peter Pan. I was watching the news yesterday morning when I heard the FDA warned not to eat certain jars of PPPB due to the risk of Salmonella. Specifically those jars with the product code starting with 2111. 288 cases in 39 states have been reported. I ran to my pantry and grabbed the 1/2 eaten jar of PPPB only to discover the product code is 2111. Peter Pan tried to kill me.

Also on the news there was a story about a lady driving off the freeway in LA. She died but her 10 month old boy survived. She was going 80. I'd like to think that once you become a parent, you become responsible. Prior to Amanda, I drove like a lunatic. Fast, daring and dangerous. It was only me that I had to worry about. Since becoming a mom, I realize it's not about me any longer. I rarely speed and her safety is my number one priority. I don't care ifI'm not driving fast enough for you....I'm driving fast enough for me. Corny...but precious cargo. I honestly think people should be tested before being allowed to procreate. You have to take a test to drive, to graduate, to marry. Why not to have children? The world would be a smarter place, to be sure.

There are some names that I find very scary. Damien is an obvious one, so is Adolph. But I have a few more. I'm not sure why I find these awful, I just do. Every time I hear these names I get chills, bad images or the heebies. Here they are...oooooh.....fuhreaky!

Malachai, Silas, Seth, and Erika.

I went on a job interview for the Venetian on Monday. I think it went really well. Their interviewing process takes 2 to 4 weeks. It will be some time before I know if I qualified for round 2. I was a little shocked at what the position was that I applied for. I applied for 2 secretarial positions. One in the Executive Office and one in the Corporate Office. So, basically I applied to work for the President and the Owner. DAMN! I aim high, don't I?

I had a long discussion this morning regarding Pessimists and Optimists. I think everyone is a bit of both. I'm not going to get into the details of the discussion but I had a question that I'd like to throw out to you. Where is the line drawn between Optimism and Arrogance? For example, there is this guy that I am interested in. Would it be optimistic for me to say "I know he likes me! Why wouldn't he like me? I'm Kelly!" Or would that be arrogance?

I don't think I'm a pessimist, although apparently I come off that way. Perhaps I vocalize the negative more than the positive because the negative is more fun. It's easier to laugh at it, poke fun or ridicule the bad stuff. The good stuff is, well, my good stuff. Again, I don't want to come across as boastful so I don't talk about the good as much. Does that make sense?

I told my friend that I think I am one of the happiest people I know. haha Yes, I bitch & complain about things but mainly because it's more fun! Plus, I'm not a braggart. Besides, who wants to make fun of the good stuff? You guys don't want to read how fabulous my life is and how happy I am. Hell to the NO! You want to read how crappy shit is but still be able laugh about it because it's fun. Life should be all about fun, I think.

Anyway, I could debate this topic forever but I need to go to Starbucks.

I do have my priorities.

Addendum: So Lori doesn't have an aneurysm.

I bought 3 RED phones for Valentine's Day. I did my part in supporting Aids in Africa. Now Amanda, my mom & I are all trendy.

Landscapers suck! I've sent a 'bitch them out' email because they pushed me back another 2 weeks. Yes...that's 1 month after they cashed my check. Fuckers. I hope all the neighborhood pets take care of their business in my yard. That would be great karma.

My house is getting painted next weekend. YAY! So excited!!

I haven't seen the creepy lady at the gym. But the old guy who tried to hit on me has been there. I've been ignoring his crazy ass. I took Amanda and her best friend, Gaby, to the gym yesterday. I'm hoping he'll think I live in a shoe and have tons of kids.

What else...what else....oh, the guy I work with. Now he's shifting all of his responsibilities on me. This is ok considering I'm usually bored and haven't been all week. This is bad because I loathe math and he's the Finance Manager. We've moved into a new office so he's farther away now. He still burps at my desk though. Ugh. Like school on Sunday...no class

*Peace.

Rantings of a Crazy Person

February 22, 2007


Ok, let me preface this by saying I'm not really in a bad mood. However, I have the potential of being in a bad mood. Thankfully, I still have my humor. Whew!

I'm about to go off on a little rant. Call it a temper tantrum, call it pessimistic, call it what you will. It's mine and I need to let it loose. If you can't handle it, close my blog. Go away. Spread your optimistic cheer on someone else's blog.

Ready? On your mark? Go!!!!

* WTF!!! The staff at my dentist office are assholes. My dentist may even be an asshole. Why the frig do you make appointments? I had a consultation appointment with my dentist yesterday at 3:00pm. I LEAVE WORK EARLY! This means...I either don't get paid or lose my sick time when I'm not really sick. God forbid I do get sick. Anyway, I arrive 15 minutes early as is proper. Over an hour later with no explanations, no apologies, no freaking acknowledgement even...I walk out. Screw that. I called them today and told them I was picking up my dental records at 4:30p. Have them ready and up front. I'm done. I think I am going to send them a bill for my 2 hours of time missed from work, plus gas & mileage. See how they like that.

*My yard is still a freaking mess. It's literally driving me crazy. I am a Type A personality, a Virgo AND a control freak. I can barely take the sight of my yard!!! I haven't heard from any illegals concerning my project. The contract states that they have 30 days to begin the job. On March 2nd, there will be some serious Kelly hell to pay and THAT, my friends, is not pretty.

*My house payment is going up $200. I expected this as I had a 3/1 ARM. I'd like to be able to tell myself how lucky I am that I had a low payment for 3 years. Yea, can't. All I can focus on is I need to find $200 extra dollars a month for my house with a crappy yard.

*My granite countertops stain. I'm watching my friend's daughter for the week and last night she had a soccer game. Yes. I was a soccer mom. Before leaving, the girls washed some blackberries. Apparently one of the blackberries fell into the sink. Bella, I know it was her, grabbed the berry and munched it on the counter. We get home from the game to find a lovely berry stain on my brand new freaking granite. I am calling later to find out if they even freaking sealed the countertops. Grrrr.

*Why is it that it's not very often that I'm attracted to a guy? But when I am he's not available. Or, even worse, not interested?? I can't control who I like or who I don't. It just is...it just happens. Why does my body only react to the ones I can't have? What the hell is wrong with me?

AAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!! I feel like Charlie Brown when Lucy yanks the football away and he yells! Wait...I'll find a picture of him and put it on here.

Anyway, am I done? I think so. Other than my crappy job which still sucks the life out of me, I think I covered everything. You wanna know something scary? I'm not even pmsing. How sad is that? I don't even have anything to blame.

My friend, Beth, is taking me out to dinner and for a foot massage next Saturday. I'm so excited for something nice and I'm so excited that I don't have to do it for myself.

*Peace.

Nevermore

February 28, 2007

Once upon a midnight dreary, as I pondered weak and weary....or something like that.

I'm sitting at my desk when I hear this banging followed by a "arr arr!" I ignore it because I'm in a new building. I just assume its construction or something. Well, it keeps happening. Finally, curiosity gets to me and I get up and look out the window. There is this HUGE raven pounding its head into the window and cawwing! Cawwing? Cawing? ?? Anyway, he's jumping on the window sill, pecking and banging the window while screaming! I was shocked! This thing is like the size of a small dog. It's funny how you can be talking about something bizarre and then suddenly it comes true. Last night at dinner, I was telling Steph that I didn't like birds. I don't mind seeing them but I don't want them close and I definitely don't want them as pets. Today this dog bird is pecking at my window!! Fuhreaky! I wonder if it's mating season for ravens. Huh...I wonder if it's mating season for Kelly's.....

Have you ever blown your nose and have air come out of your eye? That's fuhreaky too. Makes your eye feel all crazy for a few minutes. Not a fan.

So, my house should be painted this weekend and my landscaping should start on Wednesday. Fingers are crossed. Hopes are high. Hopefully by next weekend I will be able to get some rest. I feel like I have been running for 2 months straight. I am usually a homebody. I like being home...and warm...and cozy....and in pajamas. It feels like I have been out every night and so busy on the weekends I can't see straight. It will be nice when everything calms down in my world. Even though I create the chaos.

I've decided to go to Italy this summer. I think my Aussie's are dead because I haven't heard from them since December. I don't want to go unless I'm going to see them so Australia will wait. I've been searching for packages that include airfare, hotel & rail. I want to go to Venice, Rome & Florence. I found a great independent tour which also has optional escorted day trips as an added bonus. I'm struggling with the price though. It's about $4500 for both Amanda & I. This doesn't include excursions, food or souvenirs. So....I need to do some more research. One thing that I have always said is that I would rather die broke then to die having not lived.

I saw my trainer at the gym last night. I'm standing there sweating my arse off and he tells me we need to set up an appointment so I can get measured. Dear God! I told him that I've finally become dedicated in that I go to the gym 3 times a week for an hour or so each time. I don't want to be disappointed by my measurements. Will I still continue if I know it's not helping? I don't know...probably not. I know I'm stronger because I can zip through my weights and I've increased the weight. But, I don't think I've become smaller or weigh any less. Why does the number matter so much? Grrr. Stupid number.

My friend, Brad, sent me this test yesterday. You had to play word association and it would tell you about your life. I found out that I am playful, I think sex is yummy and my life is a sea of possibilities. I then started singing Gwen..."I'm feeling yummy head to toe." I have to admit, I felt pretty good about myself after that! I love ridiculous, nonsensical tests!! YAY!

Have a good weekend.

*Peace.

You can lead a horticulture...

March 8, 2007


...but you can't make her think.

I just threatened the owner of my landscaping company. I also put a call into the Contractor's Board. Next step…big, mean, money-grubbing lawyer. Ah…the American way of getting business done. I signed their stupid contract on 1/30..they cashed my check on 1/31. The contract states "commencement of project shall be not later than 30 days". Today is the 38th day. Today is also the 3rd day of PMS. Now…I'm sorry.....who wants to fuck with me?! Not the landscapers, I assure you. The owner said tomorrow morning he "guarantees" workers will be at my house. Guarantees. I asked him what on earth made him think that I would believe him. So, we shall see. Stay tuned tomorrow. Same shat time…same shat channel. I will either be pleased......or beating the shat out of someone. Shatheads.

I have keys on my key ring that I have no idea what they open. I have my house, car & mail key. I also have a key to my mom's house. What the hell are the other two? They are like squatters. I shall dub them my squatter keys. Should I toss the squatters? Live on the edge?

Monday I decided to paint the wall behind my pot shelf this lovely dark brown. My cousin painted my kitchen this past weekend and left his ladder outside. So, I grabbed his ladder, feeling all HGTV and hoisted up all my supplies. The ladder didn't quite reach the pot shelf but I drug my fat ass up there anyway. I proceeded to paint the wall without any thought to my descent. I had a momentary lapse of judgment. I didn't have a phone and Amanda wouldn't be home for about 6 hours. What if I was stuck? What if I fell? What if my sugar dropped? Thankfully, I watched "The Secret" the night before. I knew the Professor of Doom outlook was not going to do. I changed my pattern and thought about how awesome I was going to feel knowing I did it by myself. That…plus my newfound arm muscles…enabled me to make it down safely. Yay!

I thought "The Secret" was awesome. A little gay at times but the thought is fantastic. I am incorporating this process into my life and telling the universe exactly what I want. I deserve only good and positive things. This idea also encouraged me to begin writing. I have always wanted to write a novel. I have had fleeting ideas and usually always have some sort of story line or idea flittering about in my mind. It's all about focus. I haven't been focused enough to complete my stories. Now, that will change. No more flitting about. I will write a book and it will be fabulous. I've also compiled a list and a vision board of things that I want. Things that I will get. The universe is going to realize I'm not messing around anymore. Take that universe!

Do you realize I just had my photo taken? For work? A company photo? What??!! Are you friggin kidding me?! THERE ARE 4 PEOPLE HERE!!! *Yes….hysterical, maniacal screeching is attractive. Pretend you can hear me.* I told my boss no. I didn't want my picture taken. I had to take the group photo though. Damn it! Stupid photograph!!

I know it's not Friday but a Thursday blog is just as good.

Here's a closing thought courtesy of "The Secret".

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought." – Buddha

*Addendum ~ Mom & Beth called. There are huge piles of dirt & rock in front of my house. It has begun.

*Peace.

Irish Wit & Wisom

March 13, 2007

An Irishman walking along the shore notices an old lamp lying among the rocks. He picks it up, rubs the dirt off of it and a genie comes out of the lamp. The genie tells the Irishman he will grant him three wishes. The Irishman says "Well first off, I'd like a bottle of Guinness that never goes dry". "Done" says the genie, and the Irishman is holding a bottle of Guinness. The Irishman promptly drinks it down and watches in delight as it magically fills back up. Again he drinks it down and watches it fill up. A third time he drinks it down. By now the genie is becoming impatient. "So, what do you want for your other two wishes"? asks the irritated genie. "Oh", replies the Irishman, "Just give me another two bottles like this one""Seamus do you understand French?" "I do if it's spoken in Irish."

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!!"

O'Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

Q. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?A. One less Drunk

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Q. What is Irish diplomacy?A. It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell. So that he will look forward to making the trip.

Mahoneys wife has to go out of town for the day on a business trip. The last thing she says to her husband is to not go out to the bar in her absence. As soon as the wife is gone he heads down to Clancys pub. After spending most of the day there he decides he'd better get back on home. He gets up from the bar takes a few steps and falls flat on his face. Gets up, takes a few more steps and again, falls flat on his face. All the way home for three blocks its up down up down until he finally makes it home just after he gets in the house his wife shows up. She walks in the door just as the phone was ringing. She answers it and hangs up after a short conversation. She looks at Mahony and says, "So you went to Clancy’s pub after all did ya.?" "Well, yes dear," said Mahoney, "but how did you know?" "That was the barman on the phone calling to say you left your wheel chair there!"

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

*Peace.

Non-Conformist

March 14, 2007

My yard looks AWESOME! Oh my gosh! I am so happy, it's insane. It looks great, it smells wonderful and I can't wait to sit outside and just be. I can already tell that outside is going to be my sanctuary. I have a hammock that I'll lay in and read while smelling the rosemary, honeysuckle & jasmine! Oooooooh!!! YAY! It was totally worth it!

I went to a new dentist last week and felt really good about him. Actually, he's a periodontist. I'm well past the dentist stage. It wasn't because he said I was stunningly beautiful either! Haha It was because he was honest and upfront. I've been a diabetic for 21 years. I don't need flour coated ideas, false hope or smoke blown up my ass. This guy was great! He told it like it was and let me know what was going to happen. Whew! Finally!

I have to say that I have the greatest group of girlfriends. Over the past year I have met some really fabulous women! These women are intelligent, kind, caring and funny as hell. They are beautiful, strong, honest and loving. There are so many positive things I could say about each one! Most importantly, these women are my friends. I consider myself very grateful for having each of them in my life. I have to tell you, I can be hard to be friends with! No. Seriously! It's true. I'm so glad I took my walls down and came out of my cave long enough to let these ladies in. You know who you are…now you know how much I appreciate you and how happy you make my heart! Thank you!

Ok, enough frivolities! Remember the guy I met at Starbucks, he flirted with me like crazy, and then erased his MySpace account? Haha! I was searching Vegas people on MySpace and found him again! I clicked on his profile and was amazed, yet again, at the amount of bullshit emitting from this man's mouth! I honestly believe things happen for a reason. The reason for his disappearance is that this guy is an asshole! The universe knew I didn't need another one of those in my life! Thank you, universe! I just hope he doesn't ask to be my friend again. ::shudders::

I think I'm going to name my book "Bitter, Party of One."

So, a holiday close to my heart is quickly approaching. Yes, ..St. Patrick's Day. A celebration for me, Kelly of the Kelley's. American by choice, Irish by birth. My mother's side is Irish. My great grandparents, Isaac and Maggie came over on the boat. My dad's side is German. So, that makes me a drunk. An angry drunk, doesn't it? Anyway, that makes 2 holidays where I can drink & be merry. I can wear green on St. Patrick's Day and lederhosen for Oktoberfest. How lucky am I?!

I found another reason why I need a man. Reason #22 ~ to paint my house. I painted my living room and hall on Sunday. My body is still sore! My ass, thighs, arms and back were killing me! My legs still hurt. I am an awesome painter though, but crap if I would want that job! It's boring and I lack the patience. I'm proud of myself though. I did it! However, if I ever need my house painted again I'm hiring someone….or having my boyfriend do it while I lay on my hammock.

One last statement….I am some form of a hippie. I know people say I'm a hippie and I've claimed the title as such but perhaps I am something more. My parents were/are hippies so I it could be genetic. I mean, I'm not the dirty, unshaven, patchouli hippie hanging out in my Jerry Garcia tee. Wait…maybe unshaven….ok, sorry..you got me there. However, I don't impose my beliefs on others. I do advocate a liberal attitude and lifestyle. I believe in peace, love and freedom. Yet I don't reject middle class and working 9 to 5p. Oh, trust me, I would if I could but I like to eat as much as the next hippie does. I'm not political but I'm anti-war. So, perhaps hippie isn't the right word. I need to further describe my title. Possibly name myself a Neo-hippie, Urban Hippie or New Hippie. Perhaps I could just stick with Free Thinker. Modern Day Hippie? Huh. I need to take off my shoes and go hang out in my garden.

Happy Hump Day everyone.

*Peace.

You Can’t Go Back

March 19, 2007

Past relationships are in the past for a reason. Since high school, there have been a few men that I always wonder about. Wonder if they were "the one." The one I should have kept. The one that got away or the one I ran off. The one I'll always think about. My lid.

I've finally learned a life lesson that I desperately needed to learn. You can't go back. Things will never be as they once were. People change and grow, feelings change and grow, lives change and grow. Everything and everyone has a season. The shoulda, coulda, woulda's need to remain in their respective season. I'm letting go of the harbored emotions and dreams. I'm letting go of the idea that I screwed up. I'm not going to try and "save" anyone. I'm letting go of the past and moving forward. I'm going to remember what was beautiful and cherish it for what it was….not for my ideology of what it might have been.

I am growing.

So, I went to the doctor today for my checkup. I was told my thyroid is 4x what it should be. Yea…that's why I'm tired all the time, forgetful and why I've gained 20 pounds of fat that I cannot get rid of. The medication I'm on obviously isn't working. They increased my dosage for the final time. In one month I go back for more testing. If nothing has changed, I'm off to an endocrinologist. Stupid body.
Every time I am in a doctor’s office or lab or hospital, etc., I feel like I'm catching sick germs. I feel like whatever everyone else has is slowly creeping into my body through my pores. It literally grosses me out. I can't stand it. I was waiting to get my blood work done and I thought I was going to die. Not from just sitting there but from actually being around all the sick and diseased people. I think next time I'll wear a mask....like MJ. He had it right.

I'm also sunburned. I was laying my fat ass on the hammock yesterday reading and I dozed off. I woke up to lovely red blotches all over. I'm so attractive. Haha! BUT, I love my hammock and my yard. In a couple of years when the vines have grown and the trees are full, I will be in backyard heaven. This weekend I have no plans. (Loving that!) I'm going to Star Nursery and buying new plants for all of my containers. A riot of colors will be on my patio Saturday afternoon. Hurrah for gardening!!

I went to the Bellagio Spa yesterday to work out with a friend. The spa is awesome but I got lost. (Must have been the thyroids fault.) I worked out in the fitness center for about 45 minutes. I then went back to the women's area and took a shower. I love that I didn't have to bring anything! It was all there…towels, robes, slippers, shampoo/conditioner, body wash, deodorant…everything! No makeup, but that's cool. What was a little nasty, I thought, was there were combs and brushes that anyone could use. Yuck! Wouldn't touch them! Anyway, I got dressed, made a cup of lavender tea and left. I kept following the exit signs thinking they would…umm…lead me to an exit. Eventually I ended up at an emergency exit down a hallway that no one was in…kind of spooky in a Shining sort of way. Luckily, a nice towel boy found me and led me to the reception area. Whew! If he was on a big wheel, I would have flipped out.

But….I am growing.

*Peace.

The Jerk

March 22, 2007

Find it amazing that songs can evoke such powerful memories & emotion. I was listening to my ipod when a Billy Squier tune came on. Suddenly I was whisked back to 1981/82 to a time when I had no worries and everything was happy. I was happy. I was 14…HOLY SHIT! I was doing some wild crap at 14!!! Don't even think about it, Amanda! Anyway, then the emotion reared its ugly head when whoosh! I was catapulted to memories of Alan thanks to Rascal Flatts. I think it's cool how I'm debating on taking Ginkgo because I can't remember anything yet put on a song and I'm reliving every moment of my past.

So, I was up in the gym just working on my fitness (heehaw) when I started thinking about my week. This past week has been interesting. I found out that the boy I had a crush on has a girlfriend. Wow…way to make me feel like a dick. Now I feel completely awkward. Great, gee…thanks. That would have been nice to know earlier…like..umm…December! I could have prevented myself from saying anything lame. But hey, not everyone is like me. People know where I come from immediately. I'm an honest & open person. From point A to point Z, you know. Oh well. Que sera sera. I'll find my lid someday.

My friend Mel was talking to me about Amanda and how she thought that Amanda should be a model. Amanda & I have discussed this on & off for several years. She even auditioned for a commercial. She was totally cute but didn't get the part. Stupid Ted Airlines! I started modeling in high school and even was in a beauty pageant. I came in 3rd for Miss Teen New York. :::applause::: I'm here to tell you that it can be a sheisty world if you're not careful. You need a pretty thick coat to be able to handle the rejection. I wasn't sure I wanted Amanda to deal with that. Anyway, a friend from MGM MIRAGE Advertising referred me to this modeling agency a million years ago. I finally contacted them and sent some random photos of Amanda. Needless to say, Amanda has an interview on Thursday at 4p. OH GOD! What have I done?!?! Haha Now I'm nervous!!

I drove to work in a daze again. I completely spaced out for 28 miles. It was one of those crazy spacers where one completely random thing leads you to another completely random thought and so on and so on. I honestly don't know what the starter thought was. I think I was thinking about the upcoming Aerosmith concert and that I hoped George won tickets. After all, she is trying and she has won them before! (Thanks, George! xo) From there I don't know where the hell I went but you know what? It was nice! I wasn't driving to work thinking about driving off the Spaghetti Bowl or continue driving until I hit Arizona just so I could avoid work! You know, I've been taking my lunch in my car....so I can sleep. I set my cell alarm and doze for 30 minutes. Is that wrong?

I'm so excited for the weekend because I am doing NOTHING! Absolutely nothing. Amanda & I are going to have some quality time together, just her & I. We have been running like wild women for months. This weekend we are sleeping late, planting flowers and whatever else she wants to do. Probably watch The Holiday because we bought it. This movie made me cry (right, Judy!) so it will probably make me cry again. Why? Because I'm a big baby cry, that's why. I heard it's healthy to cry every once in a while. It rids the body of toxins…reduces stress. I need all of this. Ooooh, a short list of what I need:

To cry.A massage.Sex. Mind shattering sex.And this lamp. That's all I need.

Visual "The Jerk" and laugh and laugh….

**A little addition.

So, I went and took my afternoon nap, came back into the office, polished off the rest of my Flaming Hot Cheetos and admired my red fingertips for a minute. I then decided that I deserved a Starbucks. After all, I am wonderfully fabulous and that warrants a latte. I invited the burper to go along. We are chatting about the gym, we order our drinks and continue chatting while I pull up. The cutest little boyrista with flirty eyes & nice smile hands me my drink. I, being a major dork, am so flustered that I spill my drink on the outside of my car, the inside of my car and my lap. OMG! Are you fucking kidding me? Haha! I have to laugh because I'm in my late 30's and I get all nervous around a 20-something boyrista. It's no wonder I'm single.

*Peace.

Rubbish!

March 23, 2007

Amanda gave me the greatest compliment last night. I had to share. She told me that I was a great mom and a great person. Awww! How flipping cute is she? My cup runneth over.... I'll have to remember this heart bursting moment when she's 16 and telling me she hates me because I've ruined her life.

I have been on an emotional rollercoaster this entire week. The whole week. In it's entirety. From Monday to Friday. I have cried or at least have teared up every day. I don't have my period. I'm definitely not pregnant. Psh. I told Bill this morning that I think I'm turning into a girl. Holy jaysus. I don't want to be a girl!! What the heck is wrong with me?

I have 15,000 miles on my car. I got this car somewhere around June, 2006. Not even a year ago. She's (yes, she's a she) really taking a beaten. I need a job that's nearby. Stupid Henderson. Do you name your cars? I do. I know whether they are male or female. I typically name them based on their color. My truck was a boy and just blue. That was his name. My Honda is a girl and taffeta white. Her name is Taffy. I had a Sunbird whose name was electric blue....boy. It was the 80's so Electric Blue fit. I had a 300Z that was artic blue....boy. His name was..yipe...Polar. Anyway, you get the picture. Am I the only dork that does this?

Why is it that every time you see or speak to an ex...you walk away with the impression that their life is wonderful? Especially when you're thinking yours needs a little help. I was engaged to Jim many, many moons ago. I left him to move to Vegas. Life goes on. Marriage, kids...for me, divorce. Complete normalcy. So, I called him on the way home from work last night because I was worried about him. I'm not saying I was expecting conversation with Professor Doom. Jim's not like that. Jim always has had the ability to make me feel good about myself. Yet, I hung up and burst into tears. Yea, the girl thing again. I have to thank Jenna for making me realize that life is not perfect. For anyone. Especially an ex. Just like me, they have issues to deal with too. Sometimes I forget that.

I'm not making any frigging sense today. Not that I make sense any other day but today I'm just rambling on for the sake of rambling. I've had a bad week.

*Peace.

This Will Be A Good Week!!

March 26, 2007

…Mercedes & all my other lovies who were wondering! Here's why:

1. The weather is fantastic! Spring has sprung in Vegas. This is one of the few times where you can sit outside and simply enjoy without melting or freezing. Go outside.
2. There is a Starbuck's on every street corner.
3. You have a job therefore you have money in your wallet. This makes reason #2 even better.
4. You have all your senses so you can taste & smell the Starbucks you just bought. You can feel the warmth of the cup in your hand. You can hear the frother frothing and people talking. You can see the smiling faces of random people. Ok…enough of Starbucks.
5. Someone thinks that you are beautiful…and tells you. By the way – you are beautiful!
6. You have an amazing family & wonderful friends that all adore you.
7. You are alive…and healthy. This is much better than being dead or sick. Admit it.
8. You have freedom. The freedom to say you dislike the President and tomatoes or that you love Project Runway and Dollar Stores. It doesn't matter. You are free.
9. Homemade cookies are a good thing. Bake some. Then pass them out to all of your friends that you haven't seen in a while. But eat a couple first…while they are still warm. Yum.
10. Jon Heder & Will Ferrell have a new movie coming out on Friday called Blades of Glory. Laughing so hard your face hurts is a very good thing.

There are 10 things, that I can think of right now, that are good. Oh...one more....ellipsis are very good.....see....they are fabulous....

Buddha once said "All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him."

*Peace.

Hell Is For Children

March 27, 2007

It's a great week for some, like you and I. It's not a great week for others, like the 3 children I met who live in an abusive home.

In Clark County during the year 2002, there were 8,174 reports of child abuse and neglect. Only 8,174 cases were reported. It makes me wonder how many cases were not reported.

Last night, Amanda & I were at home. I was in the process of making dinner and Amanda was running around like a maniac. Typical week night. While the chicken was cooking, I poured myself a glass of wine. I was about to go sit outside at my new bistro set and enjoy the evening when I heard tires screeching. I assumed that some idiot teenage driver was on the road. Amanda comes walking inside saying something to the effect of "That guy doesn't know how to drive!" I look out the window and see a white SUV parked sideways on the road. Neighborhood Watch kicks in and I go outside to see what's up. I was not prepared for what I saw. A man jumped out of the SUV, grabbed this woman by the shirt and threw her up against the cement wall. I was shocked! Then the man starts punching her in the face. The woman falls to the ground and the man jumps on her, literally beating the hell out of her. I then saw two children....I then heard their screams.

This all happened in a matter of seconds. It was so bizarre…like I was watching a movie that I didn't like but couldn't turn off. I was having horrible tunnel vision. The neighborhood disappeared, my house disappeared….all I saw was this family. I snapped to and screamed at the top of my lungs "STOP!" I ran into the house, grabbed my cell, and told Amanda to turn off the oven and stay inside. I started dialing and running. The man jumped into his SUV and took off. I was still in my yard when I saw the victims. It was a teen boy with long hair, not a woman, a little girl and an even smaller boy. The teens face was covered in blood and he was limping. He was on the phone with 911 too. The other two were not hurt physically but you could see the mental anguish written all over there little faces. I grabbed the kids and started leading them into my house. Then the man drives by again. This time I got a good look at him and his license plate number. I finally hang up with 911. I get the teen cleaned up and try to make sure the other two kids were ok.

A 17 year old boy, a 13 year old girl and an 8 year old boy. I won't say their names but I will tell the story. Their mother, ironically named Kelly, lives with Dennis. Dennis, the fucker, is an abuser. Dennis has been abusing Kelly and the kids for years. The dad lives in Florida. The mom lives in denial and fear. She is more concerned about her FICO score then the safety of her children. She wants to save money for a new car and get her name off the mortgage before she leaves Dennis. Not only do I think Dennis is a weak piece of shit that deserves nothing less than hell. I think the mother is a weak piece of shit that should lose her children. Is that judgmental of me? ABSOLUTELY! The teen got the crap beat out of him in the middle of the road because he didn't tell Dennis 'fast enough' that his mom went to the hospital. Kelly was having chest pains…there's a shocker. Remember when I said prospective parents should be tested before being allowed to breed? Case in point.

The police were at my house for four hours…taking statements, pictures and doing whatever else police do in a domestic violence situation. The teen was trying to call his mom and dad the entire time. He didn't get a response until about 3.5 hours later. When he hung up with his mom, he turned to look at me and I was floored. What I saw in this young kids eyes made me cry. I saw such a deep sadness, hopelessness and defeat. I saw worry, confusion and fear. I saw him pleading without saying a word. I saw a tiredness that no 17 year old should ever have to feel. Dennis got in touch with Kelly first and told a completely different story compared to what the teen told her…and what I had witnessed. Kelly chose to believe Dennis. The kids did not go home last night. I don't care what this teen did…no child deserves to be brutally beaten in the middle of a road. Nor does a 13 year girl or an impressionable 8 year old boy need to be subject to that kind of environment. I WISH that this fucker would come to my house. He saw me. He knows I saw him. I told the cops that if I see him, I will hurt him so they better be prepared to return. An abuser is a bully. A bully is weak. He gets his rocks off by picking on those smaller & weaker than himself because it makes him feel powerful. He has yet to meet the likes of me. God help him if he does because I will pound his fucking skull in with my Louisville Slugger. We'll see how tough he is then.

Bill was right when he said I always try to save people. He was speaking specifically about the men I date but I realize it's just that way. How do I save these kids? Or do I step off because this is none of my business? These kids NEED and deserve a life that's filled with laughter and love. These kids touched my heart. The 8 year old heard I was from NY and asked me if I like the Yankees. I told him I did and gave him my "Official" Yankee jersey. But I made him look me in the eye and promise that he would never behave the way Dennis did. I wanted him to understand that this is NOT ok. This is NOT what life is. This is NOT what love is. This is NOT proper behavior. God. Will he know this? Will the little girl know that a man's love is not measured by the number of bruises he gives you? When I told the kids that this was not how life is…the teen said "It's how our life is." UGH!

So while I'm spouting off in blogs about how my landscaping isn't done and how talks with an ex make me sad…there are people who live every day in an unhappy place. I tend to forget this. I AM SO TORN!! I want to beat this man. I want to beat the woman! I go back and forth with this anger that isn't even mine! What do I do?

What the hell do I do? What do WE do?

*Peace.....or is it?

Hell Update

March 28, 2007

This morning I gave the 13 year old girl a ride to school. I asked how everything was and she told me she was back home with her mom. Dennis hadn't returned home, as far as she knew.

I decided to contact Metro to find out what had been done regarding Monday night's incident. I asked the Detective what the protocol was for Domestic Violence cases. He said that usually reports are filed with the proper agencies but couldn't really give me a concrete answer. He suggested I call Child Protective Services. I did.

A young woman answered and I briefly explained what I wanted. She asked the parents names. I told her I didn't know their last name but did give her their first names. I got out "Dennis" and she finished with "Kelly". She then said "The boy is 17, correct?" I said "As a matter of fact, he is." She told me that I was the third person today that had called their office to report this family. I was told that they are definitely going to check on these kids and ensure their safety. She was surprised that she had received 3 calls in a row regarding this family and that, alone, raised their concern.

I'm not trying to break up a family. So, before I get attacked, please know this. What I am trying to do is provide a safe haven for these kids. If that means mandatory family counseling, great! It's needed. If that means placement in another home, great too. I'm not here to pass judgment or say what outcome is right or wrong. I will, however, say that the behavior I witnessed was WRONG. In every sense of the word.

Perhaps this is the intervention the mom needs to give her the strength to move on. Perhaps this is the avenue the step dad needs to travel to realize he has issues. Whatever it takes for these kids to be ok is fine with me.I will keep checking on them.

*Peace.

Kelly’s Crux

March 30, 2007

My thought for the day is does anyone really know all there is about you? The obvious answer is no. People choose & pick what they reveal to different people. You may be a fun loving wild child with one friend and a serious civilized adult with another. You may be with your partner for 40 years yet they do not know you secretly love opera. Life is bizarre and so are people.

I've compiled a list of oddities, that aren't very private but not well known, about myself. Just a few things that you probably didn't know or never noticed before…or maybe you did and I'm just fooling myself. I AM pretty much an open book.

Anyway, entertain me and do the same. We've done a blog before about 6 random things. This is similar but no limit to the amount of things you want to reveal. Have fun with it. Life has been getting far too serious lately.

~I love ketchup. I know some people think ketchup is trailer trash and GOD FORBID you put it on your eggs but I don't care. I love it! I eat ketchup on my eggs, I do. I like it on hotdogs, hamburgers and fries, of course. I also like it on mac & cheese. When I was younger I even ate ketchup sandwiches. Yep, it's true…just ketchup and Wonder Bread.

~I have a black hair that grows on my neck. I noticed this follicle about 2 years ago. I was looking in the mirror at work and saw this hair! It was long AND black! When I got home, I yelled at Amanda for not telling me! She told me she never saw it! This was before her glasses so I believe her now. I was completely mortified. I am now obsessed with it and pluck it whenever I think I see it. Gross.

~I was named after my mother's side of the family. Their last name was Kelley. My mom dropped the e for whatever reason. That side of the family lived in Texas. When I was in 5th grade, I went to school in TX for about 6 months. It was a small town so everyone knew I was the Kelley's cousin. All of my classmates actually thought my name was Kelly Kelley. Duh to all Texans. I like my name. It means warrior woman....fitting. My dad wanted to name me Strawberry Pie. Can you imagine? I wonder what that means.

~I keep journals. This is not shocking to many. I don't write in it regularly but I generally buy a new one each year. I go back & forth between writing hopes & dreams to writing about events in my life. I still have one from when I was in high school. There is some very ridiculous poetry in that journal regarding broken hearts and teen angst. I hope when I die, these will be burned along with my sex tape. Ooops!
~I love architecture. This is one of the reasons why I love Europe. I love the architectural style of the medieval, classical and renaissance periods. Is that Neoclassical? Who knows. I don't know the terminology nor do I know much about architecture, but I love to look at the buildings. I can't wait for Italy. Those structures will be mind blowing!

~I love being in a forest. Love it. I love getting lost in a forest, too. Love it! When I lived in Upstate NY I would wander around the forest for hours and not care. I would get so wrapped up in the beauty of it. I would revel in the wild animals that I would catch glimpses of, the smell of moss on old trees and the sound of rustling leaves. I could feel the life pulsating around me and I knew there was so much more that I couldn't see. I'm a wanderer and always have been. When I was little and I would wander into the forest, I thought there were woodland fairies watching over me. I used to think that they couldn't wait for me to come into the forest because I made them feel as happy as the forest made me feel. They knew I loved it there. To this day, when I enter a forest, I remember the fairies. Fanciful Kelly.

~I was almost raped when I was in high school. 12th grade. Senior year was probably one of the hardest times in my life. I found out I was a diabetic. I had unrequited love. I missed my prom. I lost friends. I thought about suicide. I almost got raped by my grandmother's boyfriend. Luckily for me, I've always been a warrior. I only ended up with a slap across the face and the awful memory. He ended up losing so much more. He's dead now too. Thanks, karma.

~My first French kiss was at the end of 7th grade with a boy named Jay Farber. I think he must be gay now because his orientation was questionable then…now that I think about it. Anyway, the kiss was so disgusting! I had nasty spit ALL over my face. I didn't kiss anyone again until high school. To this day, I can't stand to kiss anyone who gets spit all over my mouth. Bleck.

~I don't chew gum. I don't like when others chew gum either. I think it's nasty. I mean, I'm not going to ask you to spit it out or anything. If you dig it, you do….to bad so sad for me. I get visions of cattle chewing on their cud whenever I see a gum chewer. If you have bad breath, go brush your teeth. I used to have a boss who chomped on gum constantly. She reminded me of a Jersey hooker. I also don't like when people chew with their mouth open. That's probably a big reason for the anti-gum status. Anyway, don't offer me gum. Thanks.

~I seriously have moments of skewed clarity. I just noticed this recently when I was thinking back to the beauty pageant I was in. The only thing I can remember about that is the t-shirt I was forced to wear & being asked "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" I then thought that it was because that happened a million years ago and I just forgot. So, I tested myself. I failed. I thought about San Diego. There are moments that I know I phased out. Whenever someone bumps into me, I always ask if I phased out & went invisible. The truth is…I do.

~I wish I could live in my pajamas. I LOVE being comfortable and in pjs. I also don't like to wear shoes. I get into my pjs as soon as I get home from work. I don't care if people stop by, I don't care if I need to run out, I'm comfortable and that's all that matters. Mind you, I have some cool pjs so I don't look like a hot mess. Maybe I do but I don't care. If I were ever in a relationship, my guy would need to understand my relationship with my pajamas. Pajamas and bare feet rule. Oh, and no bra. Don't forget to lose the bra.

*Peace.

American Graffiti

April 5, 2007

Does anyone really know the words to 'It's The End of The World as We Know It" by REM? Or 'Loser" by Beck? I mean other than 'Leonard Bernstein'? My daughter knows more words than I do.

Why do women insist on running around naked in the gym locker room? I understand that you are sweaty..but don't you have a shower at home? I can also get that you may have someplace to go so a shower is necessary. But why go to the gym then and more importantly why prance your fat ass around naked? God. Lately I've been trying to avoid the locker room. Amanda & I have been carrying everything to each piece of equipment we want to use. Yesterday, Amanda had to go to the bathroom. While I'm waiting for her I notice some horrible women walking & standing around bare ass naked. This wasn't like 10 minutes at the Playboy Mansion. It was more like 10 minutes at the Biggest Loser…before anybody lost anything. Have some modesty, sheesh.

How is there graffiti in the middle of the freeway? How do the taggers get there? Do they stop traffic while they run out and spray? Are they from Star Trek and can beam themselves anywhere? There is ALWAYS traffic on the Las Vegas freeways…always. Vegas is not like some podunk town where one pickup truck passes every hour. It's the same with shoe prints on the parking garage ceilings. How the hell??

Everyone is well aware that my job is killing my life force. I asked for Friday off, filled out the form and it was approved. YAY! I can spend one measly day with my daughter who has been home alone on spring break all week. A couple days later I was told that I had to come in. Why you ask? We work in an office with 2 other companies. We are 3 separate entities working on the same project. Unbeknownst to me…I cannot take a day off if the girl who works at another company has the day off. What? That's like telling a McDonald's employee that she can't have off because a Burger King employee has off. I'm so pissed I can barely see straight. Then I was told that I had better check to see if this girl has off when I want to go to Italy or else I can't go. 'It is what it is.' my boss said. Oh…I'm sorry…I didn't realize I had to schedule my vacation time around another company's employee! Another company THAT I DON'T WORK FOR!!! Soooo mad. I'm done. Seriously. When I got pissed at Wells Fargo, I got this job. Now I'm pissed here so a new job is coming.

I have to things to say about Starbuck's. I didn't get the job I applied for. Is it because they know I'd drink the profits? I'm over qualified for the position…oh, maybe that's why. I was thinking it was because they knew I was an addict. Secondly, Mark & Mercedes were talking about good things this morning. Mark was saying he liked how it landed on an even number when he got gas. I decided to hit Starbucks this morning, I was hungry. I ordered my Latte, a bottle of water and their yummy low fat blueberry cake. The total? $8.00. I gave a little "Oooooooh!" at the drive thru and the girl laughed. I understand the feeling now and obviously she did too.

My deodorant sucks. I can't seem to find a deodorant that makes me feel good. I am using Secret right now. You know how when you put deodorant on, your underarm feels all smooth and silky? This only lasts for 2.5 seconds and then it's gone. I want deodorant that keeps that feeling because when it's gone I feel like I have to put more on. Stupid deodorant. Or maybe I have defective underarms. Stupid underarms.

I am really happy. This weekend is going to be great..other than the fact that I'll be alone. Amanda is going to her dad's. Booo! Anyway, Friday night I'm going to see Blades of Glory with A, B & G. I can't wait! Amanda & I were going to see it on Friday when I had the day off….stupid work. Saturday is a spa day with the girls. I REALLY need this. One hour massage….sigh….I hope it's some big strong Russian who will massage all my aches away. Then a one hour stress therapy facial. I need stress therapy..not sure about the facial..but who cares. I'll be pampered. Oh man, that's going to be awesome. PLUS, Doa is making Italian crepes for breakfast….ooooooh, I'm going to be so happy! Saturday night is Donna's birthday party. I still have to get her present and one for Steph because her birthday is tomorrow. Nothing like waiting to the last minute, Kell. Sheesh. Sunday…..chillllllllll! Yay!

Serious thought occurring….why does it seem that good things happen to crappy people and crappy things happen to good people? I know that isn't the way of it, but sometimes it certainly seems like it is. Everyone should really be grateful for everything they have…including their health. As a diabetic with a stupid pancreas, I have to still be thankful because there are people who are much worse than I am. I can feel sorry for myself and curse the Gods but in reality, I should be lucky. I appreciate health and know what it's like to have issues. So, as a serious weekend reminder, take care of yourselves. Eat right, exercise, drink lots of water and get annual checkups. Being sick or having an illness really sucks ass.

With that being said, have a great weekend everyone. Happy Easter and all that Christian stuff.

*Peace.

Dazed & Confused

April 5, 2007

Have you ever passed an entire day in a total and complete daze? Funk of all funks? Just mindlessly meandering along from morning 'til night?I think I was abducted by aliens yesterday.

OR

Something is wrong with me. Mentally, I mean.

No. Seriously. No. Really.

*Peace.

Friday the 13th……ooooooh!

April 13, 2007

It's getting difficult thinking about crap to write about in a weekly blog.

My desk chair is located right under a little copper pipe in the ceiling. A couple of weeks ago, a frigging bug fell on my lap while I was working. I jumped up, killed the bastard and called one of the men.

The building constructor came to do a final walk through on Tuesday. I told him about the bug and asked about the copper pipe. He said the bug was because it's moist in the pipe. The reason it's moist is because it's the air conditioner overflow pipe. He then said not only bugs will come out of said pipe, water will too if the a/c ever screws up. I told my boss that it was bad enough to have bugs falling on my lap, if water comes gushing out, I will quit.

WTF?? Are you kidding me??! Stupid job.

I forgot my phone at home yesterday and I'm still amazed at how much it affected me. I'm sure Mercedes was thankful because I wasn't texting her during her show but I was a bit lost. I felt like I had to call people but I didn't know any numbers. Two things that came to mind were:

A) Why don't I know anyone's number andB) Why do I care? I don't call people anyway.

I'm a texter. 'Text. Kelly Text'. Anyway, I forgot my phone again today and actually turned around to get it. Unbelievable.

I watched Grey's Anatomy last night and I have to say...I really like that show. Thanks, Jess! Last night was a clip show where they showed important clips from past seasons. I definitely need to buy Season 1 and Season 2 so I can know the background. George had syphilis. I didn't know that. What the hell is syphilis anyway? I need to Google that. I didn't know about a lot of the hookups nor did I know what Izzy's dead fiancé look like. What I really love about this show is the music. I have tons of songs on my iPod from the soundtracks. I put the latest song on my page...The Story.

You know what I love? Men with accents. There is this Aussie guy who comes into my office who makes me weak. I swear. He's gorgeous, first of all, AND he has an accent. To bad he's married as all the good ones are. I need a man with an accent. I'll have to start looking for one of those.

You know what I don't like? Those family stickers that people put on the rear windshield of their car. The mom, the dad, the 4 kids, 2 cats and 1 dog stickers. Please. What the hell? I don't care. The only way I would care would be if I was a serial killer and you were my next victim. Then I could either avoid the entire household in order to get to you or stuff them in the trunk along with you.

Imus. I remember when 'Imus in the Morning' was on the air in NY. No one I knew ever listened to him. His branding was great but that's it. Just like everyone knew who 'Crazy Eddie' was but no one shopped in his store. Just like everyone knew the catch phrase '1010 wins, beat ya!' but no one listened to AM radio. I'm going to put racism aside for a second, which is terribly hard for me, and play the opposite side of the fence. Why is it that racial comments are ok in movies, sitcoms, and the like? Why are they ok in comedy acts, everyday conversation or in the backlash jokes that are being told now? Howard Stern made a stellar comment: "He's apologizing like a guy who got his first broadcasting job," said Stern. "He should have said, 'F--k you, it's a joke."Was he joking? I don't know. Do I think he's an idiot? Absolutely. Do I know him well enough to call him a racist? No. He's a shock jock! So, why is everyone shocked? On a side note, he looks like a bloody, hot, alcoholic mess...but that's just my opinion. I wonder if he's going to be forced to go to rehab like Isaiah Washington. By the way, since when do you send people to rehab for racism?

Today is Friday the 13th. I don't really care; I just thought I'd mention it. That way everyone who is superstitious can freak out. You're welcome.

*Peace.

Top Ten

April 17, 2007

Let's play a blog game. Everyone has a Top 10 list. You know...a list of celebrities that you would totally have sex with if given the chance. It doesn't matter if you are in a relationship or if you are single. No rules, no holds barred no repercussions! Yay!

Who is on your 'Top 10 Celebrities I'd Have Sex With' list?

Here are mine:

1. Steven Tyler2. Johnny Depp3. Patrick Dempsey4. Angelina Jolie5. Oded Fehr6. Andrew Dan-Jumbo

I always get stuck here. Ummm....

7. Jude Law8. Adrian Grenier9. Colin Farrell10. Eduardo Verastegui

::sigh:: I love me some brunettes.

Il vino bianco, per favore

April 20, 2007

I booked my Mediterranean cruise and I am so excited! We are flying into Barcelona, Spain a day early so we can run around pretending to speak Spanish. Then we are off on a Titanic like boat to Nice, France. Nice. That's nice. I cannot wait to use my French accent. Next will be the crème de la crème….Italy! We hit Florence, Pisa, Rome, Naples and then Sicily. I cannot wait! I would travel the world, if I could afford it! As it is, it takes me about 4 years to save enough to head back over the pond! Life is good.

I am wearing my BO(RED) shirt today. I AM a mixture of rebel & trouble maker. My friends are right! I dare my boss to say something to me. It is, after all, casual Friday and I am, after all, still bored. I cannot wait to find a new job. I've been searching every day. If I am persistent and positive, something wonderful will come my way. I'm sure of it.

So, I lost my credit card. It's so stupid because I usually am so anal about things like this. I think I lost track of it after all the travel arrangements and crap I've been making. I call Bank of America to notify them of my lost card. Apparently it is unheard of that real live people answer the phone but that isn't what killed me. I pushed 2 for the 'lost or stolen credit card' and was asked to input my card number. Hello? It's LOST! I don't HAVE it in my possession. Do people honestly memorize their credit card number?

I'm still bored. I've been here for 2.5 hours and I've done one thing. My boss comes out and says 'Oh, I've been thinking about giving you stuff to do so can you schedule two meetings? One today to go over the Board Meeting Agenda and one on Monday to go over the things we'll be doing that week.' It took me 2.5 seconds. Whoa! Thanks middle management man. I'm tapped. Mentally exhausted. Whew. The pressure.

I love pot stickers. I had them last night for dinner. Amanda had Moo Goo Gai Pan, which is always fun to say. I don't know what is in a pot sticker and it's probably best that I don't. I love the pot, I love the sticker, and they make me really happy.

What is it with all the penguin movies lately? Madagascar with the crazy penguins, Happy Feet with the dancing penguins, March of the Penguins with the marching penguins and now Surf's Up with the surfing penguins. What the hell is the deal? How many frigging scripts can be created using these flightless birds? I agree that they are cute and precious but all you need to know about them can be summed up in a few sentences. They sometimes mate for life. Not all mating penguins are male & female. The male protects the egg while the female takes charge. If they lose a chick, the female tries to steal another mother's chick. Done. Skip the 1.5 hour movie and the millions of dollars to create said movie.

A guy from another company that works in our office came by and said "Bored. Kelly, are you trying to make a statement?" Heehee again. I said "No. I'm supporting HIV/AIDS programs in Africa." It's because I'm cultuRED. HA! Here we go again.

I have a toothache that I'm pissy about. BUT, my size 8's are feeling loosey goosey and that's the beginning of a good weekend! Ciao

*Peace.

Crystal…….Clear

April 27, 2007

This morning I was thinking that I would blog about my typical random thoughts, as usual. You know, such as why grown overweight men do not wear t-shirts underneath their white dress shirts. Or why I can't stand Rosie O'Donnell. Perhaps even talk a bit about last nights Democratic debate. How I just may begin to like this country again considering there is a woman, an African American and Hispanic candidate. Excellent!

Then I became a little retrospective and decided to write about the 15 years I have spent in Las Vegas. Actually, it will be 15 years this December. Happy early anniversary to me. I won't go into detail but….welcome to the bullet point version of the life & times of Kelly. That's me.

• I have lost myself. I have found myself. I sound like Charles Dickens. Haha!• I got married…and divorced.• I have a beautiful daughter that I'm so proud of.• I overcame a drug addiction and a nicotine addiction. Whew!• I gained 20 pounds and laugh lines.• I lost a few acquaintances and a few wisdom teeth.• I've found many beautiful friends.• I pulled myself up from near bankruptcy to having excellent credit.• I bought a condo….and then a home.• My salary is higher than anything my parents ever made.• I fell in love for the first time.• My heart was almost irreparably broken for the first time. I said almost.• I went to Canada, England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland.• I almost died….probably more than once but definitely once.• I jumped out of a perfectly good plane over the Las Vegas desert.• I went hot-air ballooning.• I went surfing in Oahu. I do have the upper body strength.• I caused a 6 car pile up.• I started listening to my body.• I learned how to two-step and promptly forgot.• I lost my adoptive mother….my grandmother, Nadine Kelley.• I reintroduced myself to my inner strength.• I made mistakes and accepted them as such.• I fed giraffes and pet a rhino!• I won an all expense paid trip to Hawaii for being an excellent employee.• I got two tattoos even though I wasn't supposed to.• I snorkeled with sea turtles and dolphins.• I've made out with a girl in a bar. Yep, it's true…much to her dismay, I'm not a lesbian.• I got fired.• I joined the gym and work out at least 3 times per week.• Lost a dog, a cat & 3 fish, gained 3 cats.• I know all of my faults and….also all of my excellence.

There is a saying that goes "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." I plan on having breath capturing moments until my very last breath.

Now….who is voting for Hillary and who watched the penis fish on Grey's?

*Peace.

Hasta la Pasta

May 3, 2007

I've been saying all week that I'm suicidal. Not in my every day normal life, just at work. I want to shoot myself in the head Monday through Friday from 6:15am to 5:00pm. The average person spends 2080 hours a year at work, 2080 hours a year sleeping, and 2080 hours for life. Into these life hours go the typical things such as commute, errands, and appointments leaving very little leisurely time. So, 1/3 of my life is spent at work contemplating suicide. Nice. I really need to find something I like to do within these 2080 hours. I think I have applied for every position available in Las Vegas. I'm seriously considering looking in other states. Arizona, perhaps. I have 6 years before I can leave the country. Six years….that's 12480 hours of work that I hate, provided I remain at my life sucking job. I suck at math so my numbers may be wrong but the sentiment is spot on.
Pineapple makes me poop. I figured this out when I went to Hawaii. I went to the bathroom more in one Hawaiian week than I do in two mainland months. I just ate some pineapple for lunch. Guess where I'll be in a little while.

I got a letter in the mail yesterday stating that I may be summoned to appear in court regarding the child abuser. I guess that means this guy is going on trial. I'm a little leery about appearing in court to testify, but on the flip side, why the hell shouldn't I? He deserves whatever the hell he gets. The kids said he was on probation so maybe they'll lock his iniquitous ass up this time.

On May 19th I'm getting my hair done. I'm getting a cut…I think I'm getting bangs AND I'm getting a color. Help me decide. I'm a natural blonde. It's getting darker as I get older but still blonde. Should I liven up my blonde a bit or go a different route. I've always wanted to be a redhead or a brunette. Red, I hear, is really hard to maintain so I crossed that off my wishful list. Brown will just eventually lighten back to Blonde. I can handle that. I'm totally low maintenance and can't do the salon every 4 weeks. I'm thinking a medium brown. So….vote for:

Blonde or Brown?

Your votes will decide!(I think. Haha!)

What the hell is the extended network on this site? Every time I check someone out, there's a banner that says "Joe Blow is in your extended network." Where is it? I want to see it. Anyone know? Stupid extended network.

I think I'm going to pretend I'm Mexican this weekend. After all, it is Cinco de Mayo. Can I call it Cinco de Miracle Whip? Not a mayo fan. Anyway, I'm to pale to be Mexican. I won't go tanning though because I don't want to be a tanorexic. I was watching the news last night and oddly enough the first story was about illegal immigrants, the second was about tanning. Stay out of the sun, people. Stay out of the tanning booths, people. Stay out of the country illegally, people. Sheesh. I want to be an illegal immigrant...in Italy or in Greece....just for a little while...until I get tan.

Ooooh! I bought bundlets today! Amanda & I are going to have a fantabulous dessert tonight! Nothing Bundt Cakes Bundlets...choco choco chip. YUM! Life is good says Ms. Suicidal.

I want to play a game at the park. I don't care what. Volleyball, baseball, whatever. I need to find someone who has game tools. Saturday...in the park...we could play and sing that song. Come on, people. Sheesh. Who's got game?!

*************Addendum: Shit, Piss, Facundo!! I just got a 7% raise!! What?! Are you kidding me?! You think I'd be happy but this prevents me from finding another job. I make too much now. Oh, I know...wah..wah..poor me but jaysus!!! I need to revise my thought process regarding work.

*Peace.

Pre-Socratic

May 11, 2007

Unbelievable! It's quite unnerving to find out that you don't make as much as you thought. Stupid me never looked at my pay stub and did the math. I probably still wouldn't have had a clue but I had to sign a document that had my current salary on it. Apparently, my starting salary was not what they had told me it would be. I have no proof stating otherwise and neither does the CLV Human Resources so…I basically got screwed out of $1800 a year this week. Excellent! This little snack came right after I convinced myself to change my thought process regarding my job. I was trying to like it. Grrrr!

I type exactly the way I talk. Is that odd or does everyone do that? I imagine that you can hear my inflections as you are reading. I know this isn't so but I like to think it is. Please don't crush my dreams. I love it when I type 'Grrrr!' because I'm actually saying 'Grrrr!' while I'm typing.

There are some movies coming out that I am REALLY excited about!! I'm such a dork! The following will be undeniable proof of that.Yay!! Movies!!

5/18 Shrek the Third5/25: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End7/13: Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix

I love this new sparkling water I found at Wal-Mart, of all places! It's Key Lime sparkling water. I'm not a sparkler but I love this water. I was surprised. I bought it because it was only .50 cents for 1 liter. Also because it has 0 grams of sugar, 0 calories, fat, 0 sodium, 0 EVERYTHING!! It comes in different flavors. Peach was yummy, too. It's my new favorite thing. Try it!

Appearances vs. Reality. Why do people pretend to be something they are not when online? I understand the anonymity to a point. I don't understand the reasoning. If you do not want people to know you, then why join an outlet such as MySpace? If you are pretending to be something you are not, why do you lack the confidence in your own person? Or is it just your intent to mislead? If your intent is to deceive others into a shallow relationship based on lies, why are you so morbid and miserable? Don't you have any real friends? Don't you have a life with any substance? I am exactly who I claim to be online and off. I'm just saying.

It's going to be a great weekend. Bucca di Beppo with friends tonight. Shopping with Amanda tomorrow. My cousin is supposed to come over, paint Amanda's room and install my dishwasher…supposed to. Mother's Day Dinner on Sunday. Have a nice weekend everyone. Happy Mother's Day to all the moms!

*Peace.

Ok……Seriously

May 12, 2007

...I do not live on some farm in Nebraska. I live in Vegas on a cul de sac.

How is it possible that I had a friggin MOUSE IN MY HOUSE today!!!???!!!

I HAVE THREE CATS!!!! It's like a demented Dr. Suess book!

Ok. This morning my oldest cat flipped out of all the sudden and starting running around my bookcase. I thought it was possibly the cat nip that is in his treats. I got up, looked in and around the bookcase, saw nothing and continued to ignore the cat.

My youngest cat then joins in. I got up again, moved some books, saw nothing. Got a flashlight and looked behind the bookcase, nothing. Fine. It's definitely the cat nip. They are hallucinating. I know how they feel so I go back to watching my movie.

A few minutes go by and I look at the cats. They are curled up on the floor sleeping. Fine. About 20 minutes later the older cat stands up and is staring at the TV. His back arches up and he looks like he's going to pounce the TV. Now I figure it's a bug or worse...a spider. I get up, look behind the TV on the floor and on the wall....nothing. My heart is pounding like crazy because I'm expecting a friggin spider. All of the sudden, I see a mouse on the TV stand. I revert back to some 1950's housewife and tell Amanda to go grab a broom while I run off and grab a garbage bag & paper towels. If there was a chair close by, I swear I would have jumped on it. haha! I have no idea what to do but we try to catch him. I learned three things.

Mice can jump. Therefore causing screams from the humans.

Mice are sneaky. Little bastard rodents.

Mice are tricky. They're tricky, for real.

The little bugger crawled into where I keep all my videos. I had to take out all the videos, move the DVD & VCR and there he was, perched on top of a movie. I tried to block him in but he escaped. Like I said...tricky. He ran over by my plants.

Now I know this may sound cruel to some but I really had no other option. I grabbed my middle cat. The hunter. The one that brings me birds. The only cat I trust. Shadow got the mouse, took him outside and continued to play with him for about an hour.

I have no idea where the mouse is now but he's not in my house.

Holy cow.

Strike One

May 14, 2007

I am very in tune with my cons, as well as my pros. Very! Trust me on this. I could give you a litany of my less than desirable traits on command, without pause. I know when I'm being a bitch. I know when I'm being mean. I know when I'm losing patience.

I know these things. I'm very aware. If I'm not aware at that particular moment in time when I'm being a cow….I am WELL aware of it when I'm alone lying in my bed at night.

I wonder if everyone is aware. I don't think they are and damn it; it's my job to evoke awareness!! I find that I tend to overlook negative behaviors in those I consider my friends, because, well, that's what friends do. They love you for better or worse. I overlook but I do notice. Absolutely! For strangers, I notice and don't overlook. Poor behavior is apparent and I judge based on that. I know that no one is perfect. Holy crap, I know this!


This blog is not about the positive things. This blog is about the negative things. Every once in a while I think it's good to do a little soul searching or perhaps be called out for poor behavior. I think everyone needs to become aware. I mean, honestly, how can you not know how you are behaving or treating others? How can you not?!

You don't have to comment or respond if you choose to read this. You don't even have to be guilty of any of these. But for those of you that are, be aware…because others certainly are.

Argumentative
Arrogant
Belittling
Bitchy
Blasé
Bossy
Caustic
Conceited
Covetous
Crafty
Critical
Demanding
Dishonesty
Disrespectful
Egotistic
Greedy
Harsh
Hypocritical
Ignorant
Immature
Impatient
Imperious
Inconsiderate
Insolent
Jealous
Malicious
Manipulative
Mean
Meglomanic
Misleading
Moody
Needy
Rude
Selfish
Self-centered
Self-obsessed
Self-serving
Smothering
Sneaky
Stubborn
Two-faced

UGH! Please don't email or comment me asking if I'm referring to you. If you think I am, then I am. If you don't think I am, then I'm not. It's that simple. We have ALL, at one time or another, been guilty of several.

I am not blogging to make you feel bad or better about who you are as a person. I am not writing my thoughts in order to stroke egos or pat backs. Nor am I writing in order to accuse or point fingers. I write my thoughts. It's what I do. You can either take it as an insult, take it as constructive criticism or take it as it is....a blog. Only you can choose the result.

*Peace.

Get Ogre It!

May 18, 2007

My last blog certainly had a negative undertone. This one is going to be different. I'm truly sorry about being a 'Negative Nancy'. (Thanks, Marcus! haha!) However, I still believe wholeheartedly that you reap what you sow. So, tsk tsk all you rotten sowers.

I do have some wonderful friends. Friends that I know I can count on, no matter what. Friends I know will be there for me, even if it's just to hear me vent. Friends that consist of all the wonderful things a friend should be…..and more. I am so lucky and grateful for that. My life is a better place with these friends in it. People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. My lifetime friends know who they are. Aristotle once said 'A friend is a single soul in two bodies.' That's a lovely thought. You can have many acquaintances in your life, but only few kindred souls. I love me some kindred souls!!!

Something paramount has happened to me. I LOVE THE GYM! Not Jim, the Gym. I LOVE WORKING OUT!! I don't know what the hell happened, or how, but it did. I like going to the gym. I like getting sweaty and tired. I like being sore the next day. I like to release all of my days crap at the gym. I think that's why I love it. It doesn't matter whether I'm sad, tired, hurt, and angry. The elliptical doesn't care. The elliptical says 'Screw you! Work Harder!' I love that. I seriously have to go to the gym. Not every day, because I'm way to busy for that, but at least 3 to 4 times a week and at least for an hour. I could spend hours in the gym if I had the time. I don't think, I don't stress, I work out and I love it! I haven't lost any weight but I have gained muscle. Yay for the gym!

I am a planner. I wish I was more spontaneous, I really do but I love to plan. I am much happier when I know what I'm doing ahead of time. I knew what I was doing tonight over a week ago. I've had all that time to be really excited and looking forward to a wonderful evening. I plan almost everything. I plan what I'm having for dinner each night. I plan what we will watch on TV. I plan vacations. I plan shopping. I plan the gym. I do! I don't like it when something throws off my plan. I don't react well to last minute things. It's just like being on time. I am always on time. If I'm late, there is a VERY good reason, like I almost died or something. I just despise being late. For anything. It makes me cranky. Always have a plan & always be on time. That's my new credo.

Right now I am planning to spend more time at home with my daughter. I have been going out to much, meeting friends, running around, doing whatever it is and not being at home. Not that this is a bad thing! I love living my life. But, deep down, I'm a homebody. Plus, I spent thousands of dollars to get my home to a place where I love it and now I'm hardly there!! WTF?! I'm staying home. A lot. For a while. Until I cruise. Then I won't.

Ok, mouse update. There was another mouse in my house yesterday. This one was dead. Apparently after the first sighting, my cats' instinct kicked in and they figured out they are supposed to catch these rodents! I called my bug man, because, eww! So, the bug man gave me 3 options. Option 1: A glue board, which is exactly as it sounds. You put peanut butter on it and hope the mice get stuck. Problem: Not only torturous but sometimes they escape leaving hunks of fur and I'd have to dispose of them. Uh, no. Ew. Option 2: A box in which chemicals are placed inside. The mice crawl in the box, eat the chemicals and then go on their merry mousey way. Problem: The chemical eats the mouse from the inside out. The mice would slowly die, leaving their skeletons wherever they were when they kicked the proverbial bucket. Uh, no. Ew. Option 3: Mouse traps stationed all over the house. Uh, no. Ew. I opted for none. I have 3 cats so hopefully they now know that their mom is not excited about mice and will take care of them accordingly. Reason #42 on why I should have a man.

OH! I finally got my flight information for my trip. I pick up my tickets on Saturday. OH MY GOD!!!! I'm so freaking excited I can hardly stand it. It's all about me and my trip for the next month.We have a layover in Amsterdam. Yay! I hope I have enough time to buy some brownies. ::wink wink::

So, I bought a dress to wear on vacation. I thought I'd practice wearing a dress ahead of time so I won't look like a 5 year old playing dress up on the boat. I have panty issues. The first time I wore it, I wore briefs. The dress is cotton so I didn't want it to ride up my ass. I ended up walking around all day with panty lines riding up my butt. The second time I wore it, I wore thongs. Yep. It went up my ass all day. Whatever happened to slips? Slips prevented the under garment issue. Although, I don't think this is the type of dress you'd wear a slip with. What do I do? I look totally cute in my dress though.

One last thing…popcorn. I have been eating a lot of popcorn at work because it's an easy snack to bring. My favorite is the puffy part of the corn. I'll bite that part off first. It's almost like eating an Oreo. I have a very specific way. I'm so contradicting though because my other favorite part of popcorn is the kernel that is almost popped but not really. I wish more would be almost popped. Those are yummy.

I'm going to see Shrek 3 tonight with my dearest, most special friends! Yay! Oh, and a bunch of kids, too! What fun! Chili's. Shrek 3. Awesome friends. Popcorn. I will get popcorn. For sure.

Have a fantastic weekend!

*Peace.

You Are Only As Young As You Feel

May 25, 2007

I went to the butterfly park last night with some friends and all of our kids. Going to the park made me realize a few things. The most important is that I should be the leading actress in my own movie entitled '30 going on 13'. Alright….alright…fine. I'm not 30. Shut it!! I don't think I've ever grown up. Maybe it was the running across the soccer field, jumping on a massive tube, sliding down slides or trying to do cartwheels that made me realize this. I broke my wrist..almost. I bruised my knee. I pulled my inner thigh muscles…stupid cartwheel…AND my back hurts. Are you kidding me?

Do you FEEL younger than you ARE? My mentality became stuck somewhere in my teens. It sucks when you realize your body is older than your mind!! I can't believe you only get to live life once. I've been having such an awesome ride that I want to do it again. A mulligan, sort of like my marriage.

Tonight I have a birthday dinner with one of my dearest friends. She left me a voicemail saying that she wants to go to JET around 11:30p and I'm going with her. She's picking me up at 11p. First of all, the last time I've been to a club was in the early 90's. Second of all, I'm not a size 0 nor do I have breast implants. Third of all, I am so white and have zero rhythm when it comes to dancing. What the hell do I wear??? :::sigh::: Of course I'm going because I love this woman but….holy cow.

I have such a busy weekend coming up, which is both good & bad. I've been saying for weeks that I need to stay home & chill. Obviously, I didn't believe myself. It's my friend and my mom's birthday this weekend. We are doing spa pedicures tomorrow. It's so cool because I called my nail salon and asked if they could accommodate 7 people. I told him I was celebrating some birthdays with pedicures. He is closing the spa down! Seriously! He said he would close down and provide us with grapes & wine as a birthday present. How freaking cool is that?! No extra charge, just the cost of the pedicures. Wow. I love my little Asian nail guy! Then I'm going to see Pirates. Oh my. The movie is almost 3 hours long and I have absolutely no problem with that. I will be very happy drooling over androgynous Depp. Yum! Oh…hoooorah!

My last paragraph is a realization that I had a while ago but I just wanted to share. Everyone judges…everyone. You can hop off your soap box because you do even if you say you don't. You never really know someone until you know someone. Meaning you can be so wrong about a person you don't know….so wrong that it's freaking amazing. I am totally guilty of judging, based on things I hear, see, and think. Most of the time, I never get to know the person I have judged so I never know that I am wrong. I found out just how wrong I was about 6 months ago when I met a woman I judged…harshly. Once I got to know her and spend time with her, I realized that I adore her so much. I adore her family. I adore her spirit. I adore her heart. I adore her humor. I adore her as a mother. She is so much like me it's crazy. She also knows I'm talking about her right now. I am spending 3 days in a row with this woman and I love it! I'm so excited to see her because it's like a little gift. So, don't be so quick to judge. I know it happens and I know everyone does it but just imagine the treasure you could be missing out on.

Have a great holiday weekend! YAY!

*Peace.

Voices, Candy & Spiders…ew

June 1, 2007

My work voicemail wasn't working, so my co-worker called our phone guy to figure out what the deal was. I had to spend about 30 minutes on the phone with the phone guy re-recording the voicemail. It finally worked after a couple of tries. So, my co-worker gets the following email from the phone guy:

In the end, it came down to getting Kelly to re-record the directory one more time. This is the first time in 15 years as a telecom engineer that I've encountered someone whose voice came close enough to a DTMF (touchtone) digit in two recordings in a row to fool the system. Normally, it's such a total fluke if it happens at all (I've seen this particular problem maybe 5 times, ever) that getting them to re-record solves the issue. When the problem continued to happen after Kelly re-recorded the first time for me, it sent me barking up a lot of wrong trees.

You can tell her she has a very unique voice.

Awwww…..who's unique?! Psh. Wonderful. My voice apparently sounds just like a touch tone phone. Stupid voice.

I have been really trying to enjoy my job lately. No…really…I have. I have been rearranging my thoughts when I wake up in the morning to consist of bird chirping, dancing through the flowers joy. While I sit staring into a mindless black hole that is my entire day, I try to visualize blue skies, ice cream & laughter. As I'm driving in morning hour traffic halfway across the world, I try to block out the thoughts of veering my car off the spaghetti bowl to certain death and replacing them with thoughts of how grateful I am to have a job. However, one middle management busy work comment from my boss sends me plummeting over the pseudo happy edge. Poof! It's gone. The proverbial bubble of happiness bursts. My thoughts turn evil, pessimistic, loathsome and quite psychotic. WHY?!?!?! Ok…whew…..back to my happy place. Tra la la.

I got sunburn on Monday and it's sad. I am honestly so white that I'm almost translucent. I thought I would be cool and buy the spray on sunscreen. You know, instead of wiping lotion all over, I'd spray it on like I was in the sun worshipping know. Apparently, spraying isn't good enough. My burn looks like some sort of rash or like one of those strawberry red birthmarks. My chest is red and my shoulders have white speckles everywhere! Haha! Ooooh, I'm hot. Ba dum dum!

I'm not real sure if I like my hair. People who know me know I'm all about being who I am. I'm usually not into anything I deem 'fake'. No implants, no plastic surgery, no botox, no injectable fillers. I'm mostly au naturale. Mostly. My hair makes me feel like I'm being fake. It's cool for now but I'm definitely a blonde and a blonde I'll always be. I even tried to pull the 'blonde' thing the other day and just got an odd look. Damn it! Poor brunettes can't play that card! Unless I go through another mid-life crisis, which is entirely possible, I probably won't be a brunette again.

What is with men hitting on women in cars? Do they not know that women don't like to be stared at while we are sitting at a red light nor do we like hand gestures made to get our attention. Really. It's sort of like when you are stuck behind the landscaping pickup with 100 illegals in the back. They sit there and stare at you while you're driving. Then once they think they are cute, they start smiling, waving and really just being obnoxious. You literally have to change lanes and pass them so you feel at ease again.Let me sum it up for all of you amorous auto men:

A) It makes us feel uncomfortable.B) It makes you look like a jackass.C) Thank you for thinking we're pretty.D) Now stop.

I love tootsie rolls. I went to Wal-Mart and bought candy for the office. There was a tootsie mix bag with different flavored tootsies, tootsie pops, dots (?) and the regular tootsies. They were all soft and gooey because it's 150 degrees outside and YUM! I say..give your tootsie a tootsie.

This morning I finish showering and turn off the water. As I reach for my towel I thought 'Wouldn't it be gross if there was a spider on the towel.' I then proceed to wrap the towel around my wet head. I grab the second towel…yes, I use two…shake it because I'm still thinking about the spider and out falls a SPIDER!! Holy crap! I didn't scream because I was in such friggin shock! Universe can't pick up on the good thoughts like winning a million dollars?? Jaysus!

One more things…2 WEEKS UNTIL I CRUISE, BABY!! Yay!

*Peace.

Welcome to Dramaville. Population: YOU!

June 2, 2007

You Are As Cool As They Come
Rational and relaxed, no one could accuse you of being dramatic.
You roll with the punches, and nothing ever gets you too worked up.
You are able to maintain perspective and see the big picture.
And even if you're emotional inside, you don't let it show.
You're great at keeping it together, and you're rewarded for that.
People see you as an ideal friend, employee, and partner.
Are You a Drama Queen (or King)?

I was talking to my friend the other day and our discussion turned to Drama Queens. We both agreed that women between the ages of 25-45 should forgo the high school antics and try to behave properly. Well, at least in this respect. ;)

I must preface this by saying that not all drama queens are women. I want to be fair in this blog and we ALL know at least one overly dramatic male. Though they are far & few between and usually only prevalent in the gay community. However, more often than not, drama queens are generally of the female persuasion. These people need to FEEL something, anything. Whether it's jealousy or self-absorption…it's there and it's usually negative. What is funny is that if you are a drama queen to the fullest effect, this more than likely means you have a personality disorder. Seek out a professional. Come back down to earth.

Point blank….a drama queen is an attention whore. A person who thrives on theatrical displays. Someone who takes their emotions to the extreme, completely bypassing the middle ground. Why do women succumb to this behavior? Who knows? Maybe it defines who they are. Maybe they are so emotionally cluttered there is no other option. Maybe they are needy and weak. Maybe they are uninteresting or monotonous in their life. Maybe...gasp...just maybe...they are insecure.

My personal opinion is that if you are not a pre-teen or teenager, if you're not going through puberty and screaming down life's emotional rollercoaster, you needn't be so dramatic. Seriously. It comes to just this. You are a challenge to be around. You are difficult to be friends with. WE don't want to buy into what you are selling. We don't have the extra attention to give to you! It is not about you in the adult world. It is about all of us, individually, in our own life and our own space. You are not the only person that matters in my world. Sorry.

But, wait…how about this? Choose happiness. It's not a difficult choice or a difficult task. Wake up and choose to be happy. You make the choices in your life and you can choose any path you want. The dramatic road would be one I don't want to travel down. Spending your life bouncing from one crisis to the next is not someplace I want to be. Plus, people WANT happy people in their lives.

Now, truth be told, everyone has a little bit of drama inside. Completely normal and acceptable. Life isn't always a bed of roses. Most of us just let this out on occasion and when the situation really warrants it. We also know that this explosive and rash behavior won't solve anything. There aren't any benefits to reap from poor behavior. It's not an effective way of communicating or interacting with people. Let's learn to deal with our emotional matrix.

After all, there are no problems…only solutions.

*Peace.

To have friends, you must first BE a friend

June 8, 2007

This will be my last blog until I get back from the Mediterranean….don't be jealous. This will be super long so just deal. Or stop reading. Stop right now. Click the red X. Click it! Good. Ok, glad those bitches are gone. For those of you that stayed, hi, the bitches are gone so let's move on.

Ladies, why does this happen? You are in a bathroom stall. There can be 42 empty stalls all around you and someone chooses the stall right next to you. Are you kidding me? Did you not see the 42 empty stalls? Do you just need to be near me? Did you walk in and think..'oh, yes, the person in that stall wants to hear me pee'? Seriously. What are you thinking? Sicko, needy, peeing person. I know its bad form for men to use the urinal right next to another man. Well, if he isn't George Michael, its bad form. So why do women do it? It's like at the gym. Amanda & I went to the gym the other night. I hopped on my elliptical and she got on a treadmill. There were about 20 empty treadmills all around her and this pedophile had to get on the treadmill right next to her! I saw her physically tense up. She looked at me with that 'are you serious?' look mixed with a 'help me' look and got off her treadmill. She was done. Please, people, leave a courtesy spot.

Speaking of the gym….how many gym faux pas can you name? Give me your best ones. There are just some things that should not be done at a public gym. UGH!

Here's a few to get you going:

*The guy who bathes in his cologne prior to his workout.*The old ladies who run around naked in the locker room.**

All of my core friends are married. I am the odd woman out. I've come to terms with this and take pride in the fact that I won't settle. That I'm waiting for my lid instead of settling for some Saran Wrap. Plus, my friends are awesome at including me into their duet. At times it is very apparent, though, and I feel awkward over it. My friend had a game night at her house on Sunday. I was the only single woman there. So, at the beginning of the night I felt a little bad for myself. As usual, I was alone. I didn't even have my daughter to deflect the singledom. However, by the end of the night, I couldn't help but wonder what was worse! Being married or being single? I think they are equally good….AND bad.

My friend's husband is an ass. Together they can both be asses. I realized that not every marriage is a slice of pie, that they have problems I don't have. That maybe…just maybe…my life looks good to them! While I may not have anyone to go to a romantic dinner with, or have sex with…gasp! I also don't have anyone to tell me what to do, get mad because I talk to my friends or don't like my friends, question my opinion, question what I do with my money, etc, etc, etc. Maybe, just maybe, I don't have it so bad! I left that night, bolted in fact, feeling much better about my status. Although, it will be really great when I do find that guy and no longer have to be the 5th wheel. Oooh, question….do you think it's harder to meet guys in Las Vegas then…let's say….Oswego or Austin? Is Las Vegas so jaded that all the guys are looking for something you aren't willing to give? Or can't? Should I move to Oswego??

Speaking of friends, to have friends ~ you must first be a friend. I was talking to my mom the other day and she told me that she doesn't have any friends. It astounds me that someone cannot have a friend. She claims she doesn't, that she only has me. I love my mother, but, Jaysus! What the F kind of pressure is that to put on someone? My mom definitely has a way of getting to me. She tries to make me feel bad because I don't spend enough time with her. What I keep trying to tell her is that I am busy. I am a full-time working mother. I have a life. I have a family unit. She had hers, this is mine. I try to spend as much time as I can with her but it's apparently not enough. So, she drops this bomb on me and I can't help but wonder why she doesn't make an effort to find some friends? Seriously. She said that I am a friend collector. I told her that absolutely was not. I have friends, the core ones, and then I have acquaintances. BIG difference. Huge. She said she is a bitch. I told her I was too. Is this just something moms do to their daughters? Is it really so hard to make friends in Vegas? I mean, Bill stalked me. I stalked Mercedes. Steph & I hated each other. Yet, it all worked out. We are all friends. Great friends, core. So, if any of you have a mom or know some nice women in their 50's, let me know. I want them to be friends with my mom. That way she can stop driving me frigging bananas.

PLUS, she gave me a bathing suit of hers that didn't fit her anymore. Ew. Mom. Come on. I'm not wearing your frigging bathing suit. That's gross. I took it because I felt bad but I am NOT wearing that. I even told her I have bathing suits and she said 'But this color will look amazing on you.' UGH! ::try not to be a bitch:::try not to be a bitch:::10 days in a cabin on the ocean with her:::10 days:::breathe::try not to be a bitch:::try not to be a bitch:::

Isn't it odd how people say they don't have time for things? I just said it. "I'm busy" which clearly means "I don't have time." That's funny because I have time to go to game night, spend a day at the TI pool, go to dinner and the movies, go shopping at Target, and take naps. I have time to check MySpace, write blogs, comment and email. I have time to watch Pirate Masters, bake cookies, pet the cat and go to the gym. How can we not have time?

How is it possible that its 80 degrees and I'm freezing? I actually just put a jacket on. A light jacket, but still..a jacket. The other night Steph and I went to the movies in the park. We were FREEZING! We sat there like we were sitting on Mt. Everest in sub degree weather all bundled in blankets with our jacket hoods on. It's truly pathetic. I couldn't move back home to NY if I wanted to. I would die. Seriously. I'd be like Jack Nicholson was in The Shining. All frozen with a nasty look on my face.

In closing, I have some news of the bizarre. I haven't done this in a while and it's about time. This lovely piece comes to us from Wisconsin. Land of the Jason's. To bad my stupid ex-husband didn't live in Wisconsin. He could eat the thieves.Squirrels accused of taking cemetery flags. Associated PressNEENAH, Wis. — Caretakers of the Oak Hill Cemetery noticed around Memorial Day that about 25 U.S. flags were missing from veterans' graves.But the haphazard pattern of the thefts and the fact that the wooden dowels remained intact led them to believe the thieves weren't human."It's a pretty solid conclusion that critters are stealing our flags," said cemetery foreman Mark Alberts.
Such thefts have been a problem before. Squirrels took flags in Oshkosh and used them to line their nests a few years ago, and a groundskeeper at Forest Hill Cemetery in Eau Claire discovered dozens of missing flags in a squirrel's nest in 2006.
When crews cut down old trees in the cemetery, they typically find flag remnants in the hollows, Alberts said. "We find a lot of flags all shredded up in there," he said. "They use them for bedding."
Alberts hasn't caught any flag thieves yet, but blackbirds have been seen trying to fly away with flag pieces.
Huh. Should I move to OshKosh to find a man?? If this is all they have going on, maybe I'd be really exciting to them. Heehee!

*Peace.