November 22, 2017

Closing the Door.

Today the door finally closed on a relationship that didn't feel anything like what was promised.
And, I'm sad.
But, more so than that, I'm disappointed.

I need to cleanse and release and forgive. Not him, I need to forgive myself for trusting and loving someone who didn't have the capacity to love anyone more than he loves himself.  It's harder than it sounds because I like to obsess and beat a dead horse and 'what if' myself to death.  It's like I become addicted to sadness. I pitch a tent there, wallow in the pain, the hurt, the loneliness, the fear...I roast some marshmallows and get eaten alive by bugs. That's my sadness camping trip...and it sucks.

Jesus.  Why do I do this?  I am perfectly aware that feelings are visitors and I need to let them go.  I am perfectly aware that I control my thoughts and have the power to change them to be something more lovely.  I am perfectly aware that good things are coming and I needed to let go of the past. I am perfectly aware that this relationship was one sided. I am perfectly aware that nothing is real with someone who is fake.  I am perfectly aware. Logically, realistically, painfully, perfectly aware.

So, why is it so hard?

It's like watering artificial flowers.  I spent time working & willing shit to grow...but it wasn't real.  Nothing was ever going to grow. I put so much energy in that I have nothing left.  I'm depressed. And, again, I am perfectly aware of all of this bullshit.

Is it because I am so honest and open that I just assume everyone is? Or am I so naive that I actually believe in people being the best possible version they can be?

Gah.  And I'M SO CRANKY!!!! I literally want to block myself.  Haha! I gotta find a meme for that.




















Found one! 🤣

I should be excited.  I finally have the chance to take care of me.  Just me and yet I'm scared.  I don't know what I like...but I know what he likes.  I don't know my passion...but I know his. I don't know what to do with my time because it was always consumed with him.  Yet, this was what I needed to do because I lost myself in a place that never made me truly happy. In a place that was temporary.  In a place where my partner was fine being content even if I wasn't.

Now I am afraid to date or fall in love or have a relationship or even talk to anyone.  Because, what if it's all watering fake flowers.  What if I didn't learn this valuable lesson that I was meant to learn.  See? There's those lame 'what if's'.  So negative.  Why my mind chooses that path is beyond me.

I need to retrain my brain. Does anyone know how to do this? I've been walking around in zombie mode for months.  Not feeling, not thinking, not reacting, not anything.  I don't have to do that anymore.  Yet, I don't know what else to do.

I had to do this. I had to take care of myself, my heart, my self, my ego.  He didn't love me the way I need to be loved. It's better to be alone than to be with the wrong one.  To be lied to, constantly and consistently.  If you've read my posts before, you know I hate liars.  This is why.  Because I believe what you say.  I believe you so much I ignore your actions until I just can't any longer.  Because, not only am I honest with everyone else, I'm also honest with myself.

This was my choice.  Closing one door with the hopes that the next door I open will be amazing. Because....if I can love the wrong person so deeply...just imagine how I can love the right one.

Just not right now.  Right now, I'm heading to Florida, again, for a week. Gonna spend Christmas with Amanda and my mom. That will help my mood.  I had fun when I was there for my birthday. I was relaxed, I could breathe. I can't breathe here.  Not right now.  Plus, it's winter and I hate winter.  If it were any other season, I'd get heal in the forest. But, I don't want to freeze.  So, at least, I can be outside in Florida. Then it will be a new year. 2018. Gah.  Wtf.




















I was told to write, btw, so this is for me.  Not necessarily you.  But, if it helps, if you've felt any of this and know the answers or the cure or just needed to know someone else feels the same way...you're welcome.

*Peace.






February 10, 2017

What I'm Thinking Today


Well, my year has started out pretty much the same as every year, with a few exceptions.

I forgave a person who hurt my feelings.  Yep.  I'm a forgiver.  I typically do not hold grudges, can see another's point of view and rarely hate.  However, there are those rare occasions when I want to hate so badly.  But, that seems to never last.  I wish I could hate, though.  I think it would feel really good.  Kind of like when I lose my temper and the Irish volcano explodes in all it's beauty!  That shit feels good.  I'm not going to lie.  I do usually have 1 person that I 'hate' and by that I mean...I don't wish them death.  I just wish they'd get their period in shark infested waters or something similar. Hey...they could survive, if it were meant to be so! Psh.

Yea, so, that happened.  What else....?

I started binge watching 'Gilmore Girls'.  Which is hysterically similar to my life. This reminds me....why does Luke tap his pen on his tongue?  Lick the pen?  This is not the 1700's nor does spit make Bic perform any better.  Hmmm...another one of life's questions.














And....that's it, really. I'm a pillar of excitement. Yawn.  I haven't even had anything to write about.  Am I not thinking?  No.  Am I not remembering?  Probs.  I'm forgetting everything.

I also think I'm getting more weird as I get older.  That and the fact that Abe watches 'Ancient Aliens' every night as I'm falling asleep.  This turns into the weirdest ass dreams every.  In fact, I woke up this morning wondering if anyone has the job of figuring out dreams.  Like finding out why.....where they come from...what do they mean....how did my effed up mind create this?  I'm a super dreamer. Meaning I dream vividly, in color, intense, crazy and wild.  Just like a movie, most nights. Never are these dreams normal.  Never.

Last night I had a dream that everyone was naked and I was trying to explain why I hadn't shaved my vag.  The lady next to me said since we are going back to the 70's and being nudists, anyway, that I shouldn't worry about it and that I should let my leg and under arm hair grow, too.  (PS- yes...I did shave this morning.)






















The night before I had a dream that my Dr. couldn't open his Garth Brooks cd because it was frozen. I got all worked up and kept telling him to call the manufacturer. That the cd was made in NY and they should know that it gets cold here.

Another was I was in some sort of auditorium, listening to a speaker, got bored and snuck out.  (Pretty much my high school education.)  I then was in some huge warehouse.  There was this little boy walking and he had this thing hanging from his backpack. It was like a flurouscent light.  Anyway, everyone was yelling and then the thing exploded. The boy flew into my arms and I started running.  The warehouse was blowing up and burning and chaos.  Then everyone was chasing me because they wanted to kill the boy.  I was yelling 'It wasn't his fault!'

Yea. These are just minor ones that I've had this week.  Some of them are literally insane.  The funny thing is my daughter dreams the same way.  Abe doesn't.  So, where do these thoughts, ideas and fairy tales come from?  Another life?  Another dimension?  Insanity?

I also have more conversations with my cat than I've ever had.  Sometimes I walk away wondering what the hell I agreed to.  He's lucky he's cute. He's also an alien. I keep asking him to just take me away to his planet where I can be Queen.  He doesn't listen, though.  Apparently, I have to continue to suffer the fools.


BTW, am I the only person who pictures gem mining at a sluice when I'm cleaning the litter box?  Panning for gold?  Little treasures of pee and poop clumps?  Then exclaim gleefully when you find one?  No?  Ok.  Moving on. 

Oh! I was driving to work this morning.  Yesterday was a snow day...which is awesome, by the way.  I love being trapped in my house.  Like when Hurricane Irene came.  We were without food, electricity & water for days...and I loved every minute of it.  Except the cold showers at my sisters. That I could live without.  Anyway, I digress.  I think someone should come up with an invention....it's my idea so I should get a percentage of profits...of something that either cleans your window or prevents the car in front of you from kicking their muddy, melty, dirty, snow sludge all over.  I legit couldn't see.  I have the 'Do not freeze' wiper fluid...but it still doesn't work when it's 19 degrees.  I had to pull over and clean my windshield at Stewarts.  Why is there not a thing?  Why isn't there some magical force field that prevents me from being blinded on a snowy road?  Why? Why? Why? haha

Ok. So, I'm being dramatic but still.  There needs to be something created.  I have spoken.
















I was thinking again about how I'd like my life to be like a book.  One that I could go back and read again, except choose different chapters.  Like different paths.  Just so I could see what would have happened.  It's probably good that I can't.  I'd probably be depressed...or sad that I missed out on something amazing.  Then again, I'd probably be super happy that I wasn't stupid and I chose right!  I still think it would be pretty awesome.  Even if you can't choose different chapters that are comparable with your life choices.  I'd still like to see what happened...what I've forgotten....what I didn't give enough attention to.  I mean, who really remembers everything in their life?  I remember weird shit that doesn't matter.  Yet, I can't remember important things that I should.  For example, I remember being in high school at Patti Davis' house learning the words to 'Tom Sawyer' by Rush. But, I can't remember the name of the cabins at work.  Weird.


BTW..how lucky are kids today?  They just need 'Google' to know the lyrics to a song.  Yes...I just looked at the lyrics to 'Tom Sawyer' and we were close....but not quite.

Apparently, I'm pretty effed up.  Weird dreams, crazy memory, talking cats....lunacy.  I'm freaking crazy!!

OMG.  I hope I'm never alone in my life.  I'd hate to be a lunatic with no one there to watch or stop me.  Sigh. I probably will be alone.  I'm an only child with commitment problems.  I like being alone. I was single for 100 years in Vegas and loved it.  Just me and Manda.  Now I've been with Abe for...6 years?  Maybe.  5 years?  I don't know but he's my longest relationship.  I don't know if that's good or bad.  As a matter of fact, I started talking to Abe right after I moved here.  So....6 years I've been with Abe. Wow. I'm kinda blowing my own mind right now. I don't know what to think about that.

Why would I? I've got all this other madness floating around in my brain.  Someone needs to bring me a straight jacket.

*Peace.







November 22, 2016

2016 Favorite's



I can't believe it's been another year!  Holy time flies by!   Not sure I'm liking that too much, but, here's what I do like!  This year!
Have fun..go shopping, try them out and tell me what you think. Also, tell me some of your favs.  I love trying out new stuff. :)


BAR SOAPS:  I usually use Bath & Body Works Shower gel....then lotion...then perfume....usually. However, lately, I've acquired a love for bar soap.  Not Ivory or Dove..good, pure, pretty bar soap. Lavender is my favorite, of course. It's my smell. That and eucalyptus.  I also found locally made soap, which is awesome! WEBA  Anyone who knows me knows I love nature and animals so this company makes my newfound soap love even more perfect.  Check them out.  #shoplocal





















PEPPER JELLY & CREAM CHEESE:  OMG.  It sounds disgusting and a little like a joke, but it's amazing and makes your mouth happy.  Jilly always serves this up whenever she has a get together at her cute little home. Love going there...and eating! haha She gets this jelly from the Christmas Tree Shop in Poughkeepsie.  I haven't been there yet but she plans on taking me one day.  Maybe that store will end up on next years list.  Hmmm.

















AMBITION BISTRO:  Recently, I went to Schenectady...which is not only fun to say, it's a pretty fun city to visit, too. Erica and I went on a little adventure to see Dirty Dancing and shop.  While walking around, we stopped to have lunch in this quirky, cute, little fun place. Loved the decor, the people, the Bloody Mary's and the sandwich called 'Jeremy's Package'! (of course we ordered that! haha)  BTW, also ordered the 1st Bloody Mary that I've had since Vegas.  I forgot how amazing they are!  So, this entry has 2 fav's in 1. Check them out on Facebook and then in person!  Ambition Bistro



POO-POURRI - Need I say more?












Note:  Thanks to Rocky for having this out at the campground for me to see!  xox



FOOT SPA: - There is one in Kingston and one in Stone Ridge.  No happy endings but a happy 30 minute foot massage to treat yourself is just as good.  Take time for you.  Treat your feet!


107.3 WRWD: - My friend, Tami, would be proud. I know when I'm belting out Blake Shelton in my car, she is somewhere smiling because  I've once again crossed over the country line.  I haven't taken up line dancing or getting myself pregnant again, but I do know most of the songs on this station. Yes, my fellow rockers, sometimes it is good to embrace all music.  Now, if anyone would like to give their TOC tickets to me, I'd gladly accept.


WHITE FUDGE OREOS:  What do you want first?  The good news or the bad?  Let's do the bad....they are only for a Limited Time.  Around Christmas, these yummy  little suckers appear on the shelves...then disappear just as quickly.  The good...they are AMAZING!  Kudos to Nabisco for taking my O Obsession even farther!  Grab these while you can because if I get there first, there won't be any left.

















Now, I don't have many this year because I'm still enjoying all the things from previous years. Nothing really new has floated my boat....but I did save the best for last.


ERICA:  Where do I begin?  My arch nemesis.  The only person I despised for over 20 years.  The only person I said I hated.  The only person who was associated with the bad shit in my previous life. The person I laid blame on. Yea.  Her.

Now....

She's my best friend.  Funny how life works, huh?  I was getting ready for my 30th reunion and logged onto Classmates only to find an email from Erica.  Very polite, very nice, asking for help.  She wanted me to talk to my friend about his life and try to save him. I looked at the date because I haven't been friends with said person for 5 years.  Exactly how old her email was.  So, me being me, sat there and thought.  SHIT!  She probably thinks I'm the biggest bitch on the planet!  I ignored her and didn't even mean to.  That's terrible.  Anyone who knows me knows that A.  I'm a forgiver. and B.  I'm nice.   So, I shot her an email of Facebook saying sorry it took me so long, I couldn't help her, hope all is well.

 A few emails later, we are meeting up at Dunkin'.  I'm leery because all I've ever been told about this person has been negative...and hateful...to myself and everyone I knew.  I gotta say, I was very skeptical, on edge and ready for whatever shit was about to go down.  What went down was WAY different than what I had expected. We talked.  We cleared the air.  She told me things I didn't know. Things that my friends, at the time, told me to be the exact opposite.  She blew my mind.  Literally blew it out of the water.  Now, I'll be the first to tell you that rarely does anything surprise me.  That night, I left Dunkin' more surprised than I have ever been....and I believed this woman.  I believe her. She is a truth teller like me.  We don't have the time or energy for bullshit.  We don't play our game that way.  We are straight to the point, in your face, sorry if you don't like the truth, women.

Now.....

I can't live without this woman.  We literally rock.  She makes me laugh, she makes me cry, she makes me want to protect her and she protects me.  It's real.  It's genuine.  It's something I am pissed about missing out on.  Mostly mad at myself.  Mad for believing people without investigating.  Mad for not going right to her and asking about all the shit I was told.  Mad for trusting those who didn't deserve my trust.  Gawd...I was so stupid.  But, you know, things happen for a reason.

I'm not sure what the reason is, yet, but I do know it's good...and it's gonna make us laugh. I know that we share secrets.  Some shit I didn't know, some she didn't know and how we both played the fool, at one point or another, with people. We are so much alike, it scares the shit out of me.  Yet, I understand now why my ex love (s/d) her...and me. We are the same person. We are the shit.  It's no wonder why we scare the hell out of people.  It's no wonder people are jealous and insecure over us.  It's no wonder we both get harassed and stalked and attacked by the weak.  We are happy.  We are living our lives, enjoying each other and, best of all, we relate.  We get it.  We understand.  We may be the only ones who do but we don't care what anyone else thinks!  This is about us and only us.

I mean, I do not like living in the past.  In fact, I avoid it at all costs because it does nothing for me. But, I needed to know these things.  To close the door, to forgive, to let go and to realize that maybe this is the reason.  Us.  We are the reason.

So, January 23rd is our frienderversary.  She is the Veronica to my Betty.  The Lucy to my Ethel.  The Baby to my Johnny.  The brownie to my blondie.  My all time favortie of the year is becoming friends with Erica.  Against all odds...and even though it's shocked the hell out of many and pissed off the rest.  We do not care.  We will be friends for the rest of our lives, come hell or high water...or bitches, or hoes, or cheaters, or jackasses, or liars, or chicks whose eyes are too close together.  Yea.  I said it.




















You can keep doing what you do and we will keep laughing at you because we know the truth. Anyway, got that out of my system...and it's gone.  Bye, bye.

The best thing about Erica is her heart.  She loves and would do anything for those she loves. It's sad that people...including myself...judge her before they see how beautiful she is.  Plus, our men like each other and are friends, too!  Yay for double dates!

So, here's too another year of adventures, family parties,  girls night outs, vacations, camping trips, dinners, movies, brunches, game nights, holidays, shopping sprees, cocktails, cawfee, kayaking, foot massages, parades, Taco Tuesdays, dog walks, hikes, texts, emails, phone calls, videos...haha...and celebrating our friendship and making up for lost time.

And, most importantly, here is my most sincere apology that you deserve but never knew you deserved it.  I'm so sorry I didn't ask you about you back in the 80's.  I believe you now and I would have believed you then.  I'm sorry I didn't give you that chance.

Love you, Sunshine.





















That's all folks, enjoy your holidays and the rest of 2016.

*Peace.




July 15, 2016

Lost in the Shower.

I haven't blogged in a long time.  Maybe that's why I haven't 'been myself' lately.  I haven't been purging the madness in my head. So, here's back to being me.

Did you know I lost an INCH!  And not in my waist.  I used to be 5'8".....used to be.  What the hell? I cannot believe I am getting older to begin with.  But, to have all of this extra shit jumping on that band wagon is really bugging me.  I like being tall!  Granted...when I was in middle school and taller than all the boys, I didn't like it.  When I was in high school and had to stoop over for my prom picture, I didn't like it.  But, since college - I like it!!  Damn it. It seems that everything I like (d) is going to shit.  I liked my teeth - shit.  I liked my stomach - shit.  I liked my body - shit.  I liked my height - shit.  I'm going to start disliking stuff.  See what happens.














On a positive note, I lost 12 pounds.  I don't mind losing that.  La la.

Am I the only one who does weird stuff in the shower?

Don't be pervy.

I mean...I do yoga in the shower.  I also make waterfalls with my elbows...or boobs.  I smush my toes in the bubbles.  I squeeze my scrunchy poof thing so the water rinses off the cat hair from the side of the tub. I clean with my feet. I talk to the pets. I step out of the water, bubble up my entire body, act like a yeti and then step back under the shower when I get cold.

Yep.  I don't just shower.  I exist in the shower.  It's the only place I truly relax.















Everyone sings in the shower.  So, don't tell me that one like it's special and unique.  I've recorded 4 singles this week alone.

I also have shower thoughts. In fact, I have some of my best thoughts in the shower.  Not surprising since it's the only time I'm alone, relaxed and quiet. (sometimes) Here are some of my thoughts.  You can read these and then decide if you would like to remain friends with a crazy person.

Wouldn't it be cool if people could dream together?  Like, if I was dreaming about Abe, I could invite him into my dream so he'd get it. Instead of me trying to explain the craziness to him in the morning. Ya know? Sort of like a multi-player game.

Or I wonder how many times I've unknowingly avoided my death. Or...what are snails actually doing or where are they going?  Today, my shower thought was...is anyone stupid enough to think they caught an STD from a former lover 10 years ago and just found out about having it NOW or are they smart enough to realize their current partner is cheating on them?   Yea.  I'm surrounded by an idiot cluster.  And whores, apparently.  Haha.




















Well, apparently this whole blog is about showers.

I argue with everyone in the shower. I come up with amazing rebuttals and comebacks to past arguments, current arguments and arguments that haven't even occurred yet.   I obviously perform because I've recorded singles. (see above) I still do not sing well, though.  Sorry.  I've gotten shower schizophrenia. Meaning, I hear things when I'm home alone and in the shower.  I've actually gotten out, soaking wet, grabbed a towel and creeped around the house. This is funny because I have wood floors and wet feet.  Yea, good times.

I just thought of this....bath crayons.  I should totally buy myself some bath crayons so I could draw in the shower, too.





















My secret is out. I love the shower.  I can get lost in the shower.

*Peace.

January 9, 2016

2015 10 Favorites.

It's the new year and new favorites are on the horizon. But, you'll have to wait for those. Here are last year's fav's.


NEOSPORIN.
I'm like the dad in 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' except I'm not using Windex.  I'm using Neosporin. And it's the shit.















REESE'S FAST BREAK.
My latest obsession that ran over into '16.  It's like heaven in my mouth.

ISLAND ESSENTIALS COCONUT OIL.
Coconut Oil has like 3 million uses so, all you need, for the rest of your life, is a big jar of it. Raw, organic and extra virgin. Your life is now complete.

PROZAC.
The real reason I'm feeling pretty optimistic about 2016.




















BLUE MOON.
I'm not a big drinker but I like an occasional mimosa and beer.  My latest beer fixation has been Blue Moon.  Not only because it's tasty but because I can order it in song.











ANIMALS.
I should have been a vet or a farmer because I love animals! I love that my job has dogs that come in all the time AND live near the woods so I see them all the time.  I'm also trying to catch a bear that walks through my yard.  No luck yet.  Will keep you posted.

BLUEBERRY MILK SHAKE.
Blueberry is my favorite thing ever so, of course, I love this shake.  My cousin doesn't serve it any more but it was amazing while it lasts!  #cherriesdeli



















WILDFLEURS.
Any kind, any color, any smell...I'll take them.  ALL!!!

MY FIREPIT & LOG CHAIRS.
It's super cozy to sit around the fire with friends, relax and have fun.  I need stuff to throw in the fire to make colors and some smores fixin's.

PINTEREST.
I'm an addict.  I have pinned my dream house, my meals for the rest of my life, my wedding, my garden, things to do with my grandchildren, places I want to go or have been to, nature, anything and everything that thrills me....seriously.  Send help.  And follow me:  Kelly's Blogs.  I've pinned some amazing shit...and will continue until my fingers freeze or my iPad dies.












Cheers to an amazing 2016! Let's make this year the shit AND full of new favs.

Peace.




November 5, 2015

Menopause, Moving and Mother Effers.

Lately, I have been a lunatic who gets ridiculously hot every morning while getting ready for work.  I thought about it and was pretty sure that I was starting to be pre-menopausal. I mean...47...makes sense.  Since a Type 1 Diabetic automatically loses 15 years off their lifespan, it made sense that I would be ready to start menopause.



















One trip to the Doctor confirmed that it was true. Peri-Menopausal. My estrogen is threatening to go on strike.  This means, I'm still hot, it just comes in flashes now. Ba dum chhhh.   I was put on mood pills to keep the moods in check and we are holding off on hormones.  Apparently, hormones aren't suggested if you have a history of breast cancer in your family.  Since my mom just went through all of that cancer bullshit last year, I'm probably not a good candidate for hormone therapy.

So, what the eff?  Do I become a hairy, sweaty, sexless cow?  Is that my future?  Ugh.  Holy shit balls.  Men.....screw you.  Seriously.  Women have to deal with all of this crap because we are tough. I'm convinced.  Periods, child birth, menopause.  Yea.  If men had to deal, we'd have a bunch of whiny, crying babies walking around with balls.  I promise you.  Take a look at your man when he has a cold.  Psh. Wuss.

Speaking of my mom, she's moving to Florida tomorrow.  I wish that she wouldn't.  I like her here being surrounded by awesome friends and family.  But, she doesn't want to deal with winter.  I told her...EVERYONE hates winter but we deal because all else is so amazingly beautiful.  Even winter is beautiful and who doesn't want snow on Christmas morning?  I also told her that Florida was the waiting room for death.  haha!  Not nice, I know, but I'm not a Florida fan.  Be there, done that, wasn't impressed.

She bought a house, though, and is on her way.  I wish her the absolute best of luck and hope she finds her happy there.  At least, if I ever want to go to Disneyland, I'll have a free place to stay. Haha! Cheers to another adventure, Fran! Love you much. I'll send you pictures of snow and NY maple syrup. <3 p="">
















As many of my friends know, I LOVE October.  I love Fall, Halloween, sweaters, boots, leaves, the smell, mums, the decorations....I love everything about it.  I still love it even though October, recently, has sucked. Significantly.  Since moving from Vegas, October - while it now gives me everything I truly love about it here in NY - has been a month full of hardships.  I have lost jobs, broken up, moved, been threatened, attacked, lied to and had to deal with legal issues.  Things way beyond my maturity level.

So, my question is this....why are people such Mother Effers in October?  Is it because they are MFers every month and I don't notice?  Is it because winter is coming so they think it's ok to be a MFer?  Is it me?  Am I attracting MFers?  Whatever it is..... MFer's smell like drama and a headache and I want them to go away.

How about this....stay the eff away from me in October.  Let me have my pumpkin party.  Let me walk in the woods and collect leaves.  Let me break out my Uggs.  Let me smell the air.  Let me think about hibernating and shut the eff up.  I don't want to have to break up with October....but I will.  I will.  I will love September more.  Don't tempt me.

October and  MFer's have been warned.
















Lastly, it's Throwback Thursday.  #TBT.  Here's some throwbacks from the best decade EVER!!!! The 80's.

Some mood music:  Hey, Mergatroid! Let's gooooo!



























You're welcome.

*Peace.

September 9, 2015

Screw Waldo. Where's Kelly?

I'm going to be 47 this month.  Forty. Seven.  Four times Ten plus Seven.

Sigh.





















I never thought about growing up like many people did. What I would do, what I would be, where I would go, how I would be?  Those thoughts never crossed my mind. My mind just didn't work that way.  Still doesn't. The same way that I never thought about getting married or what career I would have.  I didn't have those dreams.  Ever.

Maybe I'm more of a 'present' mind, rather than a 'future' mind person.  I do know I'm a little 'past' mind so that's thing with me.  Ew.  I need to let that shit go.

Now, sitting here...in my 'present' mind,  I do think that I should be more rooted at this age. And...more importantly, why am I not?  I was more rooted at 37 than at 47.  Sad, but true. Why is that?  Maybe because I'm a hot mess.  Maybe that should be the name of my reality show. 'Hot Mess'. There probably already is one....I just 'Googled' and yep, there is.  I'm not the only one. Damn it.
















I need to plant my roots. I need to get a real job, buy a home, find my happy and live my life.  I have been running around like an errant teen for too many years.  All helter skelter moving this way and that way, working this job and that job, barely living and making myself more and more unhappy.

Do you know what makes you happy?  Do you have a happy?  Other than kids, dogs, family, S.O.....I'm talking something, entirely yours, that makes you smile and puts your soul at rest. Something where you feel peace and, in that moment, everything is ok with the world.  I'm like that with nature.  I can get lost in the woods and feel more restful than ever.  I need to find more things that make me happy.  Winter is coming and that woods shit will cease.

Anyway.....are you where you thought you'd be, or think that you should be, at your current age?

I'm not.  The things I want are out of my reach at the moment.  At the moment, though, so that means my hope hasn't died.  I still have faith in my path and my life and myself.

But, seriously, I am becoming super unhappy with life. Or..I have been unhappy with my life.  The past 5 years have been rough. I know that I have control of that but I can't even find the energy to take control.  Maybe it's a thing with women my age.  You know...The Menopause game.  The Pre-Menopause game.  The Hell Fire Your Ass is OLD game.  Maybe my body is going through so many changes that my mind has become tainted.  Don't get me wrong, I still find humor in everything.  I still laugh every day.  I still look for adventure and fun. But....I have gotten into the bad habit of feeling bad.  Angry.  Mad.  Sad.  All the time.  This does not work for me.

In addition, I'm now looking for some holistic healing or ritual to get my mind back to where it belongs.  Reiki, Chakra, Meditation, Zen, Shaman....Drum Circles.  No, just kidding, no drum circles....I have no rhythm. haha!  But, anything that might retrain my mind from the negative to the positive.  From the anger to the peace.  From the lack of patience to the zen.  From the annoyance to the joy.  What the hell will do that for me and where can I find it?  I don't want to be medicated.  I want to be motivated.


















Hell.  Maybe I should go back to being a doobie smoker.  I was a happy girl in my 20's.

Hell.  Maybe I should go to Woodstock.

Anyway.

Do I even believe in this stuff?

Maybe I'm just not happy with my life and need to make changes.  Work? Relationships? Home? Health?  Who knows.  But, something needs to happen.  Something needs to change. Sooner rather than later.

Where am I is the real question.  Where did I go?  Where's Kelly?

And...how the hell do I find my way back?

















Being a woman is rough.  Being a middle aged woman is rough.  We have all these annoying feelings.  Ew.

Feelings...let them come...and let them go.

Let's start this journey, ladies.....yay.......
















In other news, I'm taking my first kickboxing class tonight.  I'm excited.  Hopefully, I will be able to release some anger with some swift jabs to a bag I don't have feelings for.  Stupid feelings.


*Peace.