And, I'm sad.
But, more so than that, I'm disappointed.
I need to cleanse and release and forgive. Not him, I need to forgive myself for trusting and loving someone who didn't have the capacity to love anyone more than he loves himself. It's harder than it sounds because I like to obsess and beat a dead horse and 'what if' myself to death. It's like I become addicted to sadness. I pitch a tent there, wallow in the pain, the hurt, the loneliness, the fear...I roast some marshmallows and get eaten alive by bugs. That's my sadness camping trip...and it sucks.
Jesus. Why do I do this? I am perfectly aware that feelings are visitors and I need to let them go. I am perfectly aware that I control my thoughts and have the power to change them to be something more lovely. I am perfectly aware that good things are coming and I needed to let go of the past. I am perfectly aware that this relationship was one sided. I am perfectly aware that nothing is real with someone who is fake. I am perfectly aware. Logically, realistically, painfully, perfectly aware.
So, why is it so hard?
It's like watering artificial flowers. I spent time working & willing shit to grow...but it wasn't real. Nothing was ever going to grow. I put so much energy in that I have nothing left. I'm depressed. And, again, I am perfectly aware of all of this bullshit.
Is it because I am so honest and open that I just assume everyone is? Or am I so naive that I actually believe in people being the best possible version they can be?
Gah. And I'M SO CRANKY!!!! I literally want to block myself. Haha! I gotta find a meme for that.
Found one! 🤣
I should be excited. I finally have the chance to take care of me. Just me and yet I'm scared. I don't know what I like...but I know what he likes. I don't know my passion...but I know his. I don't know what to do with my time because it was always consumed with him. Yet, this was what I needed to do because I lost myself in a place that never made me truly happy. In a place that was temporary. In a place where my partner was fine being content even if I wasn't.
Now I am afraid to date or fall in love or have a relationship or even talk to anyone. Because, what if it's all watering fake flowers. What if I didn't learn this valuable lesson that I was meant to learn. See? There's those lame 'what if's'. So negative. Why my mind chooses that path is beyond me.
I need to retrain my brain. Does anyone know how to do this? I've been walking around in zombie mode for months. Not feeling, not thinking, not reacting, not anything. I don't have to do that anymore. Yet, I don't know what else to do.
I had to do this. I had to take care of myself, my heart, my self, my ego. He didn't love me the way I need to be loved. It's better to be alone than to be with the wrong one. To be lied to, constantly and consistently. If you've read my posts before, you know I hate liars. This is why. Because I believe what you say. I believe you so much I ignore your actions until I just can't any longer. Because, not only am I honest with everyone else, I'm also honest with myself.
This was my choice. Closing one door with the hopes that the next door I open will be amazing. Because....if I can love the wrong person so deeply...just imagine how I can love the right one.
Just not right now. Right now, I'm heading to Florida, again, for a week. Gonna spend Christmas with Amanda and my mom. That will help my mood. I had fun when I was there for my birthday. I was relaxed, I could breathe. I can't breathe here. Not right now. Plus, it's winter and I hate winter. If it were any other season, I'd get heal in the forest. But, I don't want to freeze. So, at least, I can be outside in Florida. Then it will be a new year. 2018. Gah. Wtf.
I was told to write, btw, so this is for me. Not necessarily you. But, if it helps, if you've felt any of this and know the answers or the cure or just needed to know someone else feels the same way...you're welcome.